I have been up and down and up and down a lot today. It is not because I am riding H's rollercoaster. It is because I am coming to terms with loving someone who is clearly not well and accepting that I cannot help him.
Acceptance is a funny thing - it's a gut thing, but so is fear. So the two play off of each other in a not so nice way. My mind knows I cannot help H and have to let him spiral downward. Then, I move in for a gut check, to see if I am really accepting that and then BOOM fear - what if H is suicidal? if it's depression, men with depression have the highest suicide rate! his behavior has been so aberrant, what if he has bipolar disorder? what if it's drugs? what if it's a brain tumor? Then back to the brain, "H pushed you out, does not want your help." "nothing you can do about it.""got to let it go."
I think I just have to live with the fear in my gut for a while (a couple of days)to let the acceptance sink into to the gut and crowd out the fear.
In the meantime, as if you all did not guess this already... here come the tears and yes, A, the snot running down my neck.
