Any one that has been following my threads knows that my H and I are trying to piece (7 months now)and we are still living apart. My H is still choosing to go to the bars about 2 times a week over spending time together.
He often blows me off when we have plans and he doesnt really want to be around my family and our old friends.
Most nights we are happy spending time together. We stay very busy. But on the nights we are apart, I fall apart.
Am I over reacting. Or am I just crazy for putting up with some of this.
I feel really rejected tonight. My H got wasted on monday night while I was at art night painting. Then the next day he was hungover and spent the day at my place until night when he went to a Kiawanas club meeting and then of course to the bar for a bit before returning later. Then tonight I said I am going to go to trivia night with our old friends and he said he might go. He appeared to be at the bar across the street all night and I think I saw him through the window chatting with a girl. he never came over to say hi. Then on my home he text me that he was just going to stay at his apartment tonight and that he loves me. I said "ok, ILY and have a fun night out". He text back and said he is too drunk to drive. I said no problem I understand and be safe.
Am I putting up with way too much???
I dont like feeling rejected and it happens enough to not feel solid or stable with my H. He doesnt even want to move back into a place together right now after 7 months.
If I am being a doormat, what can I do differently with out pushing him away. I love him and we have a great time together. I need to change something in the way I react but I dont know what or how.
Any comments or advice would be great. Thanks, TIPPER
Ok, I am bumping this up because I am really hoping to get some advice before I have to go home today.
I cried myself to sleep last night. I feel rejected and I fear my H will come over tonight and just act as though this is no big deal becuase I said "ok, no problem & I understand" to his blowing me off due to drinking.
When he has done this in the past, he will come over the next day and be really sweet or ask me out to a fancy dinner. Its like he knows it is not healthy but just keeps doing it. Then after romancing me for the night, he will usually want sex. Just when my Emotions were being hurt the day before, it is not usually the top thing on my list of things to do. I need to feel loved in order to want to have sex with him. Am I being used???
I just dont know how to react. I want to blow up at him and let him know how unhealthy it is for us when he is always going to bars alone. I dont want to live my life just accepting this.
I need more, I dont know how to get it. HELP!!! anyone!!! please!!! TIPPER
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
Let me try. Are you saying that your husband has a drinking problem? Are you saying that his drinking comes between you and your relationship with him? Hmmm.
I think that boundaries are a tough thing, but can you make boundaries in a loving way? Maybe you don't have to say that you understand, if you don't. If he blew you off if you already had plans because of his drinking, I think telling him firmly, directly, and deliberately the next time he called (don't call him) that you appreciate that he is calling now, but you prefer and expect a call from him in advance. This would be out of respect to you or anybody if he were to break a date. (And that would be all I would say.)
Re: His coming over and sweet talking you. I think it is great that he pursues you. My H, 'A', hardly looks for me. But back to you...You kinda' have him in the palm of your hands. He is probably looking for you to ease his guilty conscience, and he probably knows that you will comfort him and make him feel better. I don't think you are being used. I think he just wants to not feel bad because he wanted to drink and he knew he blew you off. He knows it isn't a nice thing to do.
I guess, as difficult as it would be, if he wants to come over, tell him you have plans. Make something up or actually make plans with a friend. I wish my H would at least give me the opportunity where I could at least feel like I was being pursued and play a little hard to get. Go out to dinner or a movie with friends. Go rent a movie and invite a friend over. The art stuff sounds really cool.
Also, don't blow up. I'd like to, also. In the long run, it wouldn't be a good thing. If he does have a drinking problem, go to Alanon. Don't be an enabler by easing his guilty conscience. When it comes to blewing off people, dates, work, it's a problem. However, it also is a sickness, that is, if he does have a drinking problem. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it just means that he has a sickness that is treatable if he wants to be treated.
I know that you want to feel loved, and I am sure that he loves you and doesn't want to lose you because, like I said, he knows he isn't making the right choices. I would suggest not to tell him what he wants to hear that... 'it is ok'...because it isn't. But I think you know that.
I think it will be baby steps but you have to hold tight, too. Act as if you are strong, even if you cry at night and write here. Be nice, but firm. Act as if you are busy doing other things. At first, he might be mad because you didn't make him feel better, but let him FEEL guilty. Maybe he needs to feel a little fearful that his problem is not yours anymore and that you have your life...even though you are hoping inside that he will find a the will to straighten out.
I really appreciate all the time you took to look into my sitch. I felt like I was insane, but you put into words so many things that I think and feel, and now I see maybe I am not.
Well I didnt see your post until today, but my plan was exactly as you stated to do. I was going to not be available to get together last night because I was gonna go to the mall. It didnt work out that way though.
Instead, I took a short cat nap when I got home from work, and about a half hour later I was getting woken up by my H asking to take me out to a nice dinner at a very expensive restaurant in town. He was so thrilled and happy to see me when he woke me up. I couldnt resist. So of course, I said sure.
We had a very fun and nice night together and got along great the whole time. The whole evening, I had planned on not asking him about his previous night at all. And I never even had too. He asked me about my night and after I responded he automatically went into telling me about his evening.
That previous night - He was at the bar I thought he was at. And I know I saw him chatting with a female at the bar. But he never mentioned any women. He only told me about three guys he hung out with. And how he just went to the bar for dinner, but then him and those guys started to play a dice game and the next thing you know he said he was too wasted to drive.
Yes, My H has a drinking problem. He does realize it, and sometimes feels guilty about it. But he will not stop. Not right now. The bars are what he is basing his life around right now.
So the next time this happens, I will follow through with the plan of not being available the next day. Also, I will stop telling him that it is ok and that I understand.
I know that he was somewhat expecting me to get mad, but I have changed my reactions to him and his drinking so much that now he knows when he does wrong and then he starts to feel guilty. I never even say anything. I just hope it is not making him feel like he can do this any time since it doesnt cause me to get mad and insecure to his face anymore.
I think my biggest thing I feel I am lacking right now in my M is security. We have a great love for each other, a lot of sex, and a lot of fun. I just really would like him to be more commited to me than the bars.
Thank you again so much for your help JOJO! I think I am on the right track. TIPPER
I am glad that you are 'acting as if' it doesn't bother you. I think it is ok when he calls to say kindly...'hey, thanks for calling, but I wish I heard from you last night'... and that's it.
I think it is great that you are having a great time together. I think that you bring up a good point. I don't think that having a good time together gives him the right of way or let's him take you for granted. I feel that by not blowing up in anger and blaming him is a good thing. I think it is great that you let him deal with his mistakes and his bad choices by himself. Don't spend your energy (at least in front of him) fighting about it. If you do, he will probably end up turning it around and point his finger at you. Then he will rationalize that he has a reason (although a false one) to do it.
But, yah, next time when he does it and calls just tell him... 'Nope, that wasn't ok, but thanks for asking.'... then continue with whatever you were doing.
It's awesome that you guys can have a good time together. I am hoping for 'the day' when my 'H' feels comfortable enough emotionally to be with me again. After 1-1/2 years of not talking to me after 'he' left, he is now able to call me once every three weeks (maybe). He took me out for my birthday, July 31, and I haven't seen him socially since then. It is difficult for me to remember to be grateful for the little bitty movement on his part are positive steps.
I have an appointment tomorrow with a DB coach. I love her. She helps me align my emotions with my goals.
I am glad to hear that you have had some baby steps and they certainly seem positive to me.
That was the same way that my H would start popping back around after he had left me and was ?ing his actions. Then out of the blue he wanted to give it another try. This happened three times with several months in between each try before he now came back again this time for the longest duration yet. Hang in there. I have faith.
Well, I wanted to give ya an update.
Last friday night, my H text me around 6:30pm to see if I wanted to join him for some drinks in town. I said, I was tired and didnt think so, and that I would get back to him if I changed my mind to go out. He then said, No problem and that he was gonna go out for a bit and then come over.
So, Finally at 11:00 he showed up. I was a bit mad and let down that he again would rather spend his evening at the bar rather than with me. So when He got here, He walked in feeling really guilty even though I never said anything. He knew he was making a poor choice and he even said he was sorry. I said, I am not mad but I dont like it when he drinks and drives. He admitted he has a problem with that and sat down next to me to talk.
He said, He knows that he has been a fish lately and that He doesnt know why. He said he thinks it is becuase of all the changes he is adjusting to in his life. Then he said he knows he spends too much time at the bars and that he needs to try to stay away more. I said, I love you. He said He loves our relationship and that he feels really good about us and where we are.
A little bit later, he realized that I had cooked a really great dinner that he would have loved to have had with me while he was out drinking earlier. I ate it alone and had a lot of left overs. He was so jealous, And I said well I still have to eat even when I am alone. And we both got a good chuckel because he knew what he missed out on.
Anyways, we had a great weekend. And at one point on sat. night he even mentioned possibly moving back in with each other in a while when we can afford the money to buy my late grandmothers house from my parents and fix it up.
We were supposed to do this back in the spring of 2007 right before he left me the first time. Obviously it didnt work out then. I hope we can make it work out this time.
This is a baby step towards my goal of Moving back in with each other. This was a big sign to me that he is starting to think beyond himself. For a while he was looking into buying another bachelors pad. I am so glad to see that there is hope that he wont.
Well, Thanks again for the advice and for popping in. TIPPER
We have had a decent week so far. This weekend was kindof lame but we did go bowling twice for our leagues.
On the way home sat. night we kindof had a spat and disagreed about a political topic dealing with tenure. We came to a stale mate and gave each other the silent treatment until we got home. He then asked if I wanted him to go home to his apartment and I said, No and that we can agree to disagree. He said cool. The subject was dropped and we had a decent night after that.
Yesterday, I had art night and my H went to open-mic-night as usual - even though his bass player is on vacation and they wernt playing. I expected him to go. But I didnt expect him to text me and want to come over again. But he did. I was excited and we had a nice night.
I guess I am surprised to see that he wants to come over on mondays recently. That used to be our seperate night apart for the first few months. I would go watch him play and leave him at the bar to have fun when they finished. The last two mondays he has come here. Baby steps.
Well, I am reaching some of my goals. I have been working on them for a while and just recently I am feeling the pay offs. It seems like a fluke. I havent changed a thing. But recently my H has turned more caring. I just hope it is patience paying off instead of just a momentary rise in this rollercoaster I have been on.
My H is supposed to have a kiawans meeting tonight and then come over later around 8 or 9. I hope he follows through.
Well, he kind of followed through last tuesday night.
He ended up not ever calling to say he would be late, but he did end up coming over about 10:45ish. I was thinking to myself that he was ditching me again. I cleaned my entire house while he was gone.
When he got there it was too late for us to really hang and I was tired so we went right to bed. Not really my idea of quality time.
The next night he came over for dinner and a movie. It was a better night.
Then on Thursday, He took me out to our favorite fancy restuarant. It was a nice evening also. and Tonight we are going to watch a play. FUN-FUN!!! TIPPER
