Saw my counselor today. She said something interesting. She said that if there was ever any possibility of us having a real marriage it's now that W has seen life from the other side of the front door.
It's forcing her to grow up, and it's helped me to get to a place where I'm not going back and forth between logic and emotion. She said I'm able to love her from a distance and not let her actions affect my ego.
In other words, no longer living the 'role' as caretaker and codependent.
She is hard pressed to believe that W will figure this out on her own, but she said that the two most important skills that were missing from our relationship were:
- Confronting problems with the other person, working together to solve them.
- Communicating as adults, instead of the caretaker dynamics.
And, she said, maybe I can lead by example and she'll see what needs to be done. Or maybe she never will.
This morning W was looking online for Christmas presents for the girls. I mentioned that she has credit on the card I paid for her and she got snippy about not wanting to use that.
I said 'ok, I didn't mean anything, I was just reminding you. You're being snippy'
She had her back to me and didn't say anything so I asked her if I offended her. She ws crying and said that ' I just have trouble accepting help from people, even though I know I NEED it.'
So I said 'ok, I'm sorry I won't offer to help you any more if that's what you want'.
She says 'No, it's not just you, it's anyone who tries to help me.'
I said, 'ok' and left the room.
My counselor said 'I think she's conflicted because the man who swore to love her is helping her while she's hurting him by saying "I'm leaving you"'
