S, Please stop talking to your h about the ow. I know you've been concerned about STDs, but it's now time to stop giving her all of the power in your brain. You also need to find something or someone to talk to when you are about to have those meltdowns. It's not good to have them w/your h. Come here instead or call up a friend, or better yet, take a walk or beat a pillow up.
Keep your expectations at zero and try not to put any pressure on your h. He's got to see a new you and the changes you make will need to become permanent.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
