23 months on a rollercoaster: dizzy

[stella_k]

Dear all,

I am here with an update after two months of detaching, GALing, letting go (not), my last thread was in Piecing, "Is it really true?" [img]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1542576&page=8#Post1542576[/img]

Where do I begin?

As some of you remember, H and I were separated for a year and a half when I went for THE R TALK, backslided, pressured my H into dumping OW and coming back home, only to suffer the dissapointment when he had an "awakening" and chose OW over me.

Our final and "oficial" separation has begun September 6th. H was calling me less and less, I didn't call him at all and tried my best to GAL, detach, see above. H was more than generous to letr me have half of his paycheck and also to let me stay in our Loft (he is renting an apt with OW). Now I'm sure he felt terribly guilty after leading me on and dumping me, but I thin k the arrangements he made might have eased the pangs of conscience.
Then again, MLCers know very well how to compromise with claims of conscience! Little service here, a kind word there, and the LBS is appeased and MLCer is moving on happily. So it goes.

It took him a month or so to start calling me again. Every three-four days, then every two days. Now he's calling every day for more than three weeks. Mostly about D17, all of a sudden he cares about everything she does (she's in college), worries about her and tries to be in touch all the time. I NEVER call him, only return his calls sometimes. He's finding different reasons to come over once a week, I always offer him coffee, he always accepts. We talk. He looks confused, depressed, looks at me intently when he thinks I don't pay attention, looks away quickly when I turn around. Pitiful, really.
I never invite him, he comes on his own accord. About three weeks ago I asked him whether he wants to file. Guess what? He Doesn't want the D, but if I want him to, he will file. I said it's ok, no rush indeed (LOL). Later I regretted never asking him what DOES he want then...

Well, my detachment went down the drain as H started making more and more contact. Before I knew it, I was analizing and agonizing again over everything he said and did. No backsliding though - no pressure, no R convo, only calm, friendly talk. Until today.

H has come over under pretext of service, as he always does. He brought me something I needed and he just "happened to have" (I never asked him). Now it's hard to tell what triggered the R talk, I guess it was his fidgeting with some small items and heavy silence now and then and the way he avoided looking at me.
I just couldn't help it. I asked him again whether he wants to file any time soon.

H: I don't know. And you? What do you want?
Me (stupidly): I asked first!
H: Well, I don't know... Doesn't matter really.
H: I failed in life.
Me:...
H: I behaved so terribly these few years. I was blaming you for my unhappiness and now I realize it was sitting inside me all along. I am so sorry. If I could have changed what I've done I would. But it's too late now.
Me:...
H: I didn't appreciate what we had together.I let myself to stop loving you. I am sorry (it is FIRST time throughout the whole MLC mess he admitted he actually stopped loving me! Until now it was "I never stoped loving you"!).
Me (stubbornly): ...
H: THe other day I was walking the dog and I thought: nothing will change if I died.
H: WHY did I do all that?
Me: H, you've done all THAT in order to be happy. Are you happy now?(not sarcastic, just matter-of-factly)
H: no.

I'm extending my hand. H clasps my hand, his eyes are teary. (HUGE 180 for me: no tears! YAY!)

Me: ok, let's don't talk about it now.
H: fine.

Before he goes, he offers his help with one of my art projects. I accept, of course. It means, we're going to see each other next week nearly every day. Altogether he spent four hours here today. When he was about to go, his mobile rang. OW! He said: I'm still here, at Stella's .
He gave me a guilty look and said: sorry about that. Gave me a quick kiss. Then he was gone.

I wish I knew where I stand now.

I'm so tired after TWO YEARS of same old same old, I have no patience anymore. Last year I'd be happily counting baby steps
after such aa encounter. Today I'm just desperate for some peace and quiet. I want him gone nearly as much as I want him back. Several times I was SOOO close to saying: JUST LEAVE ME AlONE NOW, I'm not playing that game, not again! But I knew I'd regret it. I love him. Sigh...

I've read somewhere on the MLC Forum: when they are ready to end their jorney, you will know it for sure.

Well, my inner voice tells me now: this man is nowhere close to ending it! He's still in his thick and fluffy fog, up to his ears! And he will keep me in cosy limbo with him for months if not years to come

Do I want this M?? Sure I do!
Am I ready to stomp on these precious fragile baby steps and throw in the towel? Sure I am...

Any thoughts?

Sorry about the huge and messy post, it just poured out


(((HUGS))) all