For the Guy with Kids and a WW Neunzehn(19)

[kat727]

I was meaning the texts from him. If you feel used, then back off. You were doing really well before her Dad was in the hospital and you can continue that way. Stop offering to buy her things, quit taking out the trash(unless it is OM). Let her sit in the situation she created. No more helping. No more staying for dinner with the kids when you are supposed to have them. It's time to get back to work.

kat

[hopeful4her]

kat, I think that maybe I'm in defensive mode. We have been spending a lot of time with each other. My way of protecting myself. It's a little scary. I think I'm doing the right things for the long run. I'm impatient. All things in Gods time. I know.

It's like I'm in a contest again. My feelings of being used are because of the amount of effort I put, and with little result. At least that I can see.

I'm actually better than I sound. I think I'm just venting.

I'm grateful to you guys.

[InLikeFlynn]

Remember my military strategy I gave you a few weeks ago. It is simplistic so take it with a grain of salt but you get the idea.

Attack...Attack....Pull Back.....And Attack Again!!!

You did a great attack...hit her on all fronts successfully...she responded well...now maybe pull back a little (not too much)watch the dust settle and see where you are.

Even if you gained a few hundred yards on each front...you have her going in the direction you want her to go. It may be temporary....it may be due to the family crisis and her work test etc. But if you don't keep attacking even a little here and little there the enemy will move back into her territory.

I don't know if I am making any sense but the jist is keeping pecking away at her....show her that you are her ROCK and really can't be replaced. The hope is that you will look more and more shiny and strong and the OM will start to dull and look more and more temporary and crumble away.

You don't want to look back a few years from now and regret not fighting the fight!!!!!

Now put your Big Boy pants back on and get back into the fight!!!

[hopeful4her]

ILF, you made perfect sense.

I think that what I was doing, was that even though I was saying that I have no expectations, I WAS having expectations. Too many.

Like today. I've been EXPECTING an email or call or text from her about the test or anything actually. I just have to remember that she is probably very busy at work. I know they are short staffed.

NO EXPECTATIONS!

I am comfortable thinking that I did do my best and went as far as I could, at a very large emotional toll. I can look myself in the mirror and I can look my kids in the eyes.

I believe this.

I was thinking that, when I pick up my girls, of picking up my son, too. Take them home for dinner at my house. The wife is supposed to have a dinner tonight for work and didn't give me any indication of what time she would be done. I was thinking of shooting her an email letting her know this and that she can come pick him up when she is done.

Of course, this may give her a small window of opportunity for a quick meet with OM, but it's the right thing to do for my son.

She's gonna do what she's gonna do anyway, but she may suprise me. And I hate that I have to be the one to contact her for something, first. I'll consider sending it at 4.

I may just send her a text when I pick them up, so that there isn't much time for planning.

I think that might be better.

[hopeful4her]

Just came across this quote on my company intranet.



"When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure."

Peter Marshall

[whatdidido]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_hVT6gomzA&feature=related

When you watch it...your parasite is B. Get rid of it.

Don't give up. I see your second wind coming.

Always here for you...WDID

[hopeful4her]

Beej, I'll watch it tonight after I get my kids to bed. Can't at work.

Here's my confusion and maybe my thought process is flawed.

God has put a lot of people, including B, in my life for some reason recently. I HAVE spent time with B. Mostly as a group, but also dinner together sometimes. Everyone, including everyone here on DB, is playing a part in my life. I'm digging to make sure what part each one plays. Maybe he put B in my life to help me make it through this crap. Not to be with her, but with my wife. Filling an emotional need.

I've said this before. Deep inside, I don't feel it with her. Believe me, I've searched for it. I've have tried. I WANTED to find it. I'm just enjoying the company. I make no decision in my dealings with my wife based on B.

God has me in HER life too, for some reason.

Directly to you, Beej.
I completly understand what you tell me. I would be telling a friend the same thing you tell me. I'm giving you my honest thoughts, Beej. I give these to no one else in my life. No one.

Hang in there with me. I'll figure myself out.

I came across ANOTHER very old dear friend Saturday night at a burger joint. Must have been at least 10 years. We worked together at the very first job I worked at. The theater business. He also knows my friend Javi from those days.

Amazing.

[whatdidido]

I'm glad you will take a look at it tonight.

I understand what you are saying about God putting people/things in your life for a reason. OM was put in my life, too. He was a parasite to me and my marriage. People have all sorts of parasites....gambling for Sugar's H, porn for some, etc. Just because they come toward you, doesn't mean you have to give them your time. You have free will. You get to decide what you give your time to. Keep in mind, that while B may be filling a need for you, that could also mean that you won't be seeking that from your W anymore. It changes the dynamics. When your W got her needs met elsewhere, all of the sudden she felt different about you. THat's how it works. Parasites.

I will always hang in there with you, h4h. Promise me you will always hang in there with me as well. Don't stop listening when what I say is not what you want to hear. I know you tell us everything here. It's what you should do. I know what you are saying.

I"m glad you are reaching out to some male friends. Some pro marriage people. That is something else I realized when my thoughts were clear....I had been hanging around people that didn't believe in the sanctity of marriage at all. They were people telling me if I was unhappy, why stay.

[whatdidido]

I liked your quote. Here's another one:

"What we think or what we know or what we
believe is, in the end, of little consequence.
The only consequence is what we do."
- John Ruskin

[hopeful4her]

I've struggled with that thought.

Why did God put OM in her life? Was it meant for them to find each other? To be together?

Maybe. Maybe I was put in her life for a diffent purpose. To help her grow and become who she is. To nurture her and fill the void she had in her life, not having her father in her life. To help raise her son, who also did not have his father in his life at the time.

Questions that I struggle with. There are people put in our lives for a reason, a season, and a lifetime.

Trying to figure out which one I am to her. She would say that is was for a season.