Just going to get back to living for today with my kids.
And that Kevin is all you can do and all that you should be doing for quite a while. Live for today, live for them and most importantly live for you.
Your W is not your responsibility. Be civil to her and treat her with respect but that is it. Its just business from here on out. Kids and finances, nothing more, nothing less.
I was doing well just got caught up in her behavior change towards me. Hopes went skyward & clouded my judgment, especially when it came to OM status in her life. She wants to be free of me so go fly away - won't keep her trapped anymore. W is trying to get credit everywhere she can & getting denied.
Her life is going to collapse around her & I will not be there to rescue her from it any longer. Like I said before "wish I could help but nothing I can do for you." I had paid off the balance on her 1 credit card which she has now already run back up to 2/3 the limit. Fought with her grandparents who gave her money for her last car payment. Reality check for her is underway as well as one I just got.
She called me at work to confirm where to exchange kids today after I get out of work. Said she called her 1 credit card company to request a credit line increase & was denied. I just did a "uh huh" as a response - wanted to acknowledge that I was listening. W sounds very down in conversations today.
My kids need me to keep it together & move on so thanks again for keeping me focused on what I do have control of - my own happiness & my kids.
Taking them to friends tonight to watch MNF. Tomorrow have the annual HOA meeting - last one for me as a board member so w will have to watch kids until late. Told w that Applebees has a promotion where kids eat free Tues night since I realize she will have to provide dinner for them. Or she can just cook something at house - her choice.
Going to continue to make things as easy as possible for her when it comes to the kids since it is in their best interest & mine. If w needs to keep kids at house to watch them, no problem with me. She wants to use food in house to cook for them, fine also.
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
{{Distressed}} Not preachy at all and you are right..I need to find me and figure out what makes ME happy, be the best me I can be for myself, my kids, and my friends/family, and hope hub will see and want to pay attention to my differences..but unfortunately (not really LOL) I can't make him change or see..or want to for that matter
Thank you very much!
{{Kak}} I did the same thing if you read my sitch from Sat where I'd been doing so well and then just popped LOL! You sound like you are doing much better today my friend
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Been feeling fine for past couple days. Just keeping my mind focused on the only expectation I have now - D will happen. Got kids last night from w at local mall & went to friends to watch MNF. W called 7:30 - didn't answer. Game over, driving home & w calls twice in 10 mins, leaves VM. No bluetooth for my cell so I can't answer while I drive, plus D2 & S4 are fighting over a toy.
Walk in to house & phone rings - w calling to tell me that she has to work at 7am & wants me to bring kids to cousin's house so cousin can watch them for her. Ok will do. Then w says she needs to talk to me tomorrow night. Ok. W says it's about her job & the kids. Ok. Bye. W left voicemails on cell phone & both home phones with same story.
Expecting w is going to start working during the day & agreement she wanted back in August was that she would watch kids during day until she left for AK in Sept 09. I would credit her $500 toward the 10k she owes as part of mediated settlement. I do not have the $$ to pay for daycare for the kids - getting finances in order so that I will when Sept 09 hits. Since it is our kids I am not going to fight with w over this issue - I realize she needs money - but feel it is her responsibility to figure out a solution since she will be the one changing the agreement we have.
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
I do not have the $$ to pay for daycare for the kids
Your wife should be paying child support...that should cover some of it. Just because she's a woman doesn't mean she doesn't have a financial obligation to the kids. And just because your a man doesn't mean you don't take child support. It's for the kids and it's her obligation, not running to Alaska for a junior high sweetheart.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Been feeling fine for past couple days. Just keeping my mind focused on the only expectation I have now - D will happen. Got kids last night from w at local mall & went to friends to watch MNF. W called 7:30 - didn't answer. Game over, driving home & w calls twice in 10 mins, leaves VM. No bluetooth for my cell so I can't answer while I drive, plus D2 & S4 are fighting over a toy.
Walk in to house & phone rings - w calling to tell me that she has to work at 7am & wants me to bring kids to cousin's house so cousin can watch them for her. Ok will do. Then w says she needs to talk to me tomorrow night. Ok. W says it's about her job & the kids. Ok. Bye. W left voicemails on cell phone & both home phones with same story.
This is good. Keep it simple and light. Don't be curt with her just be friendly. You have to co-parent with her and things are much easy for the kids if the parents can be civil to each other. Its fine to let the first call go unanswered but if she is calling often it must be important so I would answer the second one next time.
Originally Posted By: Kakatal
Since it is our kids I am not going to fight with w over this issue - I realize she needs money - but feel it is her responsibility to figure out a solution since she will be the one changing the agreement we have.
Nope its BOTH your responsibilities to find a solution. Here is a golden opportunity for you to show her the new you. She may be the one changing the agreement but they are your kids also and things come up all the time that change the best laid plans. Work with her on this not for her but for your kids.
She probably already has some ideas. Take some time and formulate your own and take the high road on this. If this was about anything other than the kids I would agree with you that she needs to figure it out on her own. Get your PMA up and surpress all other feelings and emotions and you both will find a solution.
Nope its BOTH your responsibilities to find a solution. Here is a golden opportunity for you to show her the new you. She may be the one changing the agreement but they are your kids also and things come up all the time that change the best laid plans. Work with her on this not for her but for your kids.
She probably already has some ideas. Take some time and formulate your own and take the high road on this. If this was about anything other than the kids I would agree with you that she needs to figure it out on her own. Get your PMA up and suppress all other feelings and emotions and you both will find a solution.
I need to start reading this advice, heeding it & living it.
Come home from HOA annual meeting - I have served on board for 2 yrs & had to give up my seat - no rerun - since I do not know if I am going to be able to keep my house. D2 comes outside to greet me, I smile, pick her up & bring her in house. W looks exhausted, says hi - hi. Walk past her & go to say hi to S4 - no kisses dad - so he gets pat on head. Walk back into kitchen, empty pockets in usual place, walk to my bedroom to take off shoes & socks, back to kitchen to go through mail & put lunchbox away. W asks if I want to talk about anything - I say I don't have anything to talk about. W just glares at me. I ask w if there was something she wanted to talk about - No! W says obviously something bothering me & that we will talk in the morning. I say I am just upset because I had to give up doing something tonight that I enjoy doing...not that you would care about that. W storms over to S4 to give him kiss bye & says she will see him in morning. W phone rings & I can tell by ringtone it is OM. W silences phone.
I walk out into computer room to read my mail. W shouts from doorway she is leaving. Bye. W says bye to D2 & walks out into garage. I mutter something like "have to leave to answer call from your f$#king boyfriend" W hadn't closed door to garage & heard me. Says that she thought we agreed not to say stuff in front of kids. I say that I didn't realize you were still here. She opens garage door & scream "I didn't answer the phone!" I say you could have put it on silent. She gets in her car & drives off.
W calls back 10 min later asking me why I have to do that - Do what? Why do I have to get a dig in? I say that I was just expressing my feelings and that I am tired of having them put back in my face or feeling that I have to defend myself. W says that I could have just said what I said without the dig - how did I expect her to react when I said what I said? Told her she was right - bad behavior on my part & apologized. She said she wasn't feeling well & would talk to me in am. Bye.
I tried to call w 15 mins later but no answer. W calls back 20 mins later. Asked her if she wanted to talk since I knew she had something to talk about. W says that she doesn't know how receptive I am going to be to what she wanted to talk about. I tell w that I was sorry for what transpired earlier. Past behavior of mine was to express my hurt but then have to also hurt the person back for hurting me. W said thanks for apologizing.
W then said that she could get a 9-5 job, put kids in daycare but that most of the money she would make would be put towards those costs so didn't see any benefit to doing that. You agree with that? Uh huh.
W then says that a previous client had asked her if she would be willing to watch her 2 kids again full time since mother wanted to go back to work. W told mother that she had a job where she was on call so she might not be able to but wanted to get her schedule at work set to where she only worked nights.
W then says that she could watch our kids + these other 2 at the house. W says that she would give me some money towards my bills for allowing her to watch the kids at the house. She would make them bring their own food so they wouldn't eat any of mine. W wouldn't eat any of mine. I told w I never said I had any problem with her eating any of the food in the house. W then said that she felt it would benefit her, me & the kids if she could do this again. Uh huh.
I asked her if I could ask a few questions - sure. Why would you want to watch kids again? I need money - I am broke. I have no money K. I cannot live on a job making $40 a week. I cannot make a car payment. I didn't buy a new car just to have it get repossessed.
Ok. I understand. Another question - back in July you said how you felt trapped in the house doing daycare, how you wanted to be able to take kids places or to gymnastics like other moms did. If you do daycare again you do not get any sick days or vacation to be able to do those activities with the kids. W said all she can do now is take kids to park - cannot afford to do those other things. And if she doesn't start making money she will not have a car to even take them to the park.
Ask w only other question is one of liability. What am I risking if I allow you to run your business again out of the house? I do not want to put myself in jeopardy. W says I don't know. I don't have an answer for that. Forget it. I will just get a 9-5 job.
I say that I did not say yes or no, just that I need to get this question answered first. In past you had insurance that protected us from liability. I just want to see if that would still be viable given our current situation. W said she didn't know. I asked her if she could find out. She said ok.
I then say that I may have more questions if that was alright since I needed some time to think about this. She said fine, she was tired. She thanked me for listening & goodnight.
Hard to convey how distraught w is right now. Her voice was cracking when talking about how broke she is. Did my best to just listen, do some uh huhs & let her talk.
Advice on how to proceed???
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
Nope its BOTH your responsibilities to find a solution. Here is a golden opportunity for you to show her the new you. She may be the one changing the agreement but they are your kids also and things come up all the time that change the best laid plans. Work with her on this not for her but for your kids.
She probably already has some ideas. Take some time and formulate your own and take the high road on this. If this was about anything other than the kids I would agree with you that she needs to figure it out on her own. Get your PMA up and suppress all other feelings and emotions and you both will find a solution.
I need to start reading this advice, heeding it & living it.
Damn it K, THINK before you DO!!!!!
Originally Posted By: Kakatal
Come home from HOA annual meeting - I have served on board for 2 yrs & had to give up my seat - no rerun - since I do not know if I am going to be able to keep my house. D2 comes outside to greet me, I smile, pick her up & bring her in house. W looks exhausted, says hi - hi. Walk past her & go to say hi to S4 - no kisses dad - so he gets pat on head. Walk back into kitchen, empty pockets in usual place, walk to my bedroom to take off shoes & socks, back to kitchen to go through mail & put lunchbox away. W asks if I want to talk about anything - I say I don't have anything to talk about. W just glares at me. I ask w if there was something she wanted to talk about - No! W says obviously something bothering me & that we will talk in the morning. I say I am just upset because I had to give up doing something tonight that I enjoy doing...not that you would care about that. W storms over to S4 to give him kiss bye & says she will see him in morning. W phone rings & I can tell by ringtone it is OM. W silences phone.
I walk out into computer room to read my mail. W shouts from doorway she is leaving. Bye. W says bye to D2 & walks out into garage. I mutter something like "have to leave to answer call from your f$#king boyfriend" W hadn't closed door to garage & heard me. Says that she thought we agreed not to say stuff in front of kids. I say that I didn't realize you were still here. She opens garage door & scream "I didn't answer the phone!" I say you could have put it on silent. She gets in her car & drives off.
Yes, it sucks that you have to give up your seat on the HOA but you need to stop being controlled by your emotions. Did this interaction help your sitch at all? Did it do you or her any good? How does coming through the door like a hurricane and sending off bad vibes help your sitch? I’m confused did we not just go over this stuff on Monday?
I know you are hurting on the inside. I know your chest feels like it is being squeezed in a press and I know you are lost and confused about what to do and how to act. Well let me ask you one question. Was the way you acted yesterday when you got home something you are proud of, does it fit the new you and if you could do it again would you do something different? I hope the answer is NO, No Yes.
Being civil to your W and treating her with respect is not being a fool, its being the better person. Unfortunately for us LBS we have to carry a huge weight on our shoulders and bare the brunt of the hurt and pain. You need to detach yourself from this woman for your sake. Its eating you up inside and it is not allowing you to control these bad impulses.
Your not doing any of this for her. Being nice to her is not to make her feel better or make it seem like your fine with her choices. Its so you can stop hurting, stop getting so emotional and start living again. Take some time over the next couple of days and look at yourself. figure out what YOU want, what YOU want to do and who YOU want to be. Picture yourself in the future and then set your goals to meet that picture. It does not matter if you are M or single it should make no difference that person should be the same either way.
Originally Posted By: Kakatal
W calls back 10 min later asking me why I have to do that - Do what? Why do I have to get a dig in? I say that I was just expressing my feelings and that I am tired of having them put back in my face or feeling that I have to defend myself. W says that I could have just said what I said without the dig - how did I expect her to react when I said what I said? Told her she was right - bad behavior on my part & apologized. She said she wasn't feeling well & would talk to me in am. Bye.
Yes, why do you have to do this. SHUT UP!!!! You make the OM look better and better each time you act like a jerk.
Originally Posted By: Kakatal
I tried to call w 15 mins later but no answer. W calls back 20 mins later. Asked her if she wanted to talk since I knew she had something to talk about. W says that she doesn't know how receptive I am going to be to what she wanted to talk about. I tell w that I was sorry for what transpired earlier. Past behavior of mine was to express my hurt but then have to also hurt the person back for hurting me. W said thanks for apologizing.
W then said that she could get a 9-5 job, put kids in daycare but that most of the money she would make would be put towards those costs so didn't see any benefit to doing that. You agree with that? Uh huh.
W then says that a previous client had asked her if she would be willing to watch her 2 kids again full time since mother wanted to go back to work. W told mother that she had a job where she was on call so she might not be able to but wanted to get her schedule at work set to where she only worked nights.
W then says that she could watch our kids + these other 2 at the house. W says that she would give me some money towards my bills for allowing her to watch the kids at the house. She would make them bring their own food so they wouldn't eat any of mine. W wouldn't eat any of mine. I told w I never said I had any problem with her eating any of the food in the house. W then said that she felt it would benefit her, me & the kids if she could do this again. Uh huh.
I asked her if I could ask a few questions - sure. Why would you want to watch kids again? I need money - I am broke. I have no money K. I cannot live on a job making $40 a week. I cannot make a car payment. I didn't buy a new car just to have it get repossessed.
Ok. I understand. Another question - back in July you said how you felt trapped in the house doing daycare, how you wanted to be able to take kids places or to gymnastics like other moms did. If you do daycare again you do not get any sick days or vacation to be able to do those activities with the kids. W said all she can do now is take kids to park - cannot afford to do those other things. And if she doesn't start making money she will not have a car to even take them to the park.
Ask w only other question is one of liability. What am I risking if I allow you to run your business again out of the house? I do not want to put myself in jeopardy. W says I don't know. I don't have an answer for that. Forget it. I will just get a 9-5 job.
I say that I did not say yes or no, just that I need to get this question answered first. In past you had insurance that protected us from liability. I just want to see if that would still be viable given our current situation. W said she didn't know. I asked her if she could find out. She said ok.
I then say that I may have more questions if that was alright since I needed some time to think about this. She said fine, she was tired. She thanked me for listening & goodnight.
Ever see “Hunt for Red October” one of the actors in it said “A Russian does not take a sh** without a plan.” Women are the same way. They think things through before they do something. That is how I knew she already had some ideas and that you should formulate your own. She was trying to co-parent and make money at the same time and what do you do. You waste hours of both your time and hers. You cause unnecessary conflict and drama and you blew another chance to show her your best side.
Then after all that BS, you get to the real reason for her coming over and start to work together. Good job listening and asking relative questions on your part. Help her with the insurance and see if you can make this happen for her. Remember its all about the kids so shelf those digs and off hand comments and keep them where they belong, in your head. Or better yet stop thinking them all together. DETACH, DETACH, DETACH.
Originally Posted By: Kakatal
Hard to convey how distraught w is right now. Her voice was cracking when talking about how broke she is. Did my best to just listen, do some uh huhs & let her talk.
Advice on how to proceed???
Listen to her, be her friend but don’t solve her problems. She created them let her solve them but be companionate and understanding. She is hurting, confused, guilty, stressed and torn between fantasy and reality. Read and then reread SmartCookies post over and over again. You are the better choice but only if you change your habit of doing without thinking and allowing your emotions to control your actions. Anger and hurt are the worst feeling to allow to control you. You will feel guilty afterwards and pissed at yourself for doing it. I have been there and done it just as you have and it gets you nowhere fast.
Chin up and move on from here. What is done is done and dwelling on it will not change it. But learning from it will help you to not do it again.
Again, have a great week, tell yourself this is going to be a great week then make it a great week.
I'd have to agree with Tim; you are making the OM look great by comparison. You are lashing out and really looking like a hurt little boy. How is anything you are doing different than when you were married? She's sounding like the one more put together and you the one falling apart. She must feel something for you or she'd have told you to take a hike. Although, she wants something from you, so she'll be on her best behavior.
So my question: Do you still want her?
If the answer is yes, then you need to start changing your approach. 1) Quit with the ignoring her stuff. To me it shows you are pouting, not detaching. Detached is the ability to act like she's important, without showing you are hung up on her. It's a fine line to walk. It's taking a moment to say, "Hi, how was your day? How are you doing? What's up?", rather than walking on by, grunting, and acting like you don't have time for her. You take that moment to talk, and then move on. It's the ability to listen to her without having a personal stake in the outcome. If this was a friend at work telling you how broke they were and feeling bad, how would you handle it?
2) Quit with the digs. It's not going to win her back. You don't have to accept her chatting with OM in front of you, but otherwise you need to be strong. Control the urge to force OM out of her life and just be the attractive alternative. Some attention, more confidence, friendly, smile, but not hung up on her.
3) This issue with the babysitting is tricky. What if a close friend had a similar issue and asked to use your house. What would you do? Take everything out of the equation. Remove the fact that this is your wife, she's got OM, and you feel rejected out of this. What would you do if this was a friend? Personally, if it were me (and the insurance was possible), I would say yes. Is that the right thing? I don't know, but I do know that she a) tolerates your digs, which is a good sign, b) turned to you for help (rather than someone else), c) you aren't on unfriendly terms and d) It will give you a little time, every day, to show her a guy who is strong enough to be around his wife, listen, and show loving detachment (without going overboard), rather than the boy that is lashing out, tilting at windmills. This thing with OM will end. She might not even have to move to AK before that happens. Would you like to be the guy that she picked over OM?
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Yes, it sucks that you have to give up your seat on the HOA but you need to stop being controlled by your emotions. Did this interaction help your sitch at all? Did it do you or her any good? How does coming through the door like a hurricane and sending off bad vibes help your sitch? I’m confused did we not just go over this stuff on Monday?
I know you are hurting on the inside. I know your chest feels like it is being squeezed in a press and I know you are lost and confused about what to do and how to act. Well let me ask you one question. Was the way you acted yesterday when you got home something you are proud of, does it fit the new you and if you could do it again would you do something different? I hope the answer is NO, No Yes.
NO NO YES. I am having a hard time changing my behavior. My whole life has been one where I buried my feelings & then popped my top when someone pushed the wrong button. I am aware of what I need to change but just need more time & practice to have it sink in. Of course I do not want to react like this - nothing I am proud of. Along the lines of the 24 hr response rule I need to have a 5 minute decompress before I walk into my house rule. Time to clear my thoughts, get my emotions dealt with & show off the PMA.
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Being civil to your W and treating her with respect is not being a fool, its being the better person. Unfortunately for us LBS we have to carry a huge weight on our shoulders and bare the brunt of the hurt and pain. You need to detach yourself from this woman for your sake. Its eating you up inside and it is not allowing you to control these bad impulses.
Your not doing any of this for her. Being nice to her is not to make her feel better or make it seem like your fine with her choices. Its so you can stop hurting, stop getting so emotional and start living again. Take some time over the next couple of days and look at yourself. figure out what YOU want, what YOU want to do and who YOU want to be. Picture yourself in the future and then set your goals to meet that picture. It does not matter if you are M or single it should make no difference that person should be the same either way.
I am trying to detach. Still have lingering emotions about having my hopes mashed from last week. Just need time to find my inner peace again. Feel that having the expectation that D is going to happen will allow me to just let go & move on, allow my heart to heal.
I am happy with who the person I am becoming but I know I am a work in progress. Being aware of my behavior is a giant step forward, correcting it will always be the challenge. I know I am not anywhere near where I need to be & things like last night are reminders of that. Need to be able to express my feelings without the digs. I know!
I do realize that I took the focus off me & put it back on w. Taking steps to change that again for myself. Just need time for myself which is very scarce & set some goals.
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
That is how I knew she already had some ideas and that you should formulate your own. She was trying to co-parent and make money at the same time and what do you do. You waste hours of both your time and hers. You cause unnecessary conflict and drama and you blew another chance to show her your best side.
Then after all that BS, you get to the real reason for her coming over and start to work together. Good job listening and asking relative questions on your part. Help her with the insurance and see if you can make this happen for her. Remember its all about the kids so shelf those digs and off hand comments and keep them where they belong, in your head. Or better yet stop thinking them all together. DETACH, DETACH, DETACH.
Listen to her, be her friend but don’t solve her problems. She created them let her solve them but be compassionate and understanding. She is hurting, confused, guilty, stressed and torn between fantasy and reality. Read and then reread SmartCookies post over and over again. You are the better choice but only if you change your habit of doing without thinking and allowing your emotions to control your actions. Anger and hurt are the worst feeling to allow to control you. You will feel guilty afterward and pissed at yourself for doing it. I have been there and done it just as you have and it gets you nowhere fast.
Yep, get the BS out of the way & then finally at a calm state to be receptive to hear what w wanted to talk about. I realized that & was reason why I felt ok to talk to her. Just getting myself in that calm state initially is another thing I need to work on. Would save so much time & energy.
See my follow up on what my thoughts are on working with her over the use of my house in starting her daycare again.
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
Here is what you do from now on. On your way home from work is there a park or something close to your house you can stop at. If there is go there when you know your W will be at the house. Get out and take a 10 to 15 minute walk. Smell the fresh air, take deep breaths and let the pressures of work out with each breath. Then proceed home with a clear head and a renewed PMA.
Make sure its close to home so you don't end up back in traffic but far enough away that your W does not know your there. Also if you don't expect her to be there and she is you can go back, decompress then face her.
