My crazy mess....what version is this now???!!!

[christarn]

the thread fairy came and locked me!!! off to another journey!!

Friends just spotted OW at H's house....i'm not in a good mood! Esp. after he told me last night he was in this 100% for our M....WTF!!!???!!!

Well, I am going to go out with friends 2nite...try to forget about all of this!

[Very Scared 54]

Christa

How did your evening out with friends go last night? Where you able to get your sitch out of your mind for a couple of hours? If you did great for you. If not, will that is only normal. Mine is always there in the back of my mind.

You do not know why OW was at H house. Maybe he is trying to explain to her what is going on. Maybe OW is fighting for his attentions like you are. Maybe, Maybe, Maybe.

We do not know what is happening. The OW is just another bunker that you have to get around to get to the green. You have gotten by bunkers before and there is no reason why you cannot get by this one. This bunker will still come up on the next number of holes, ignore it and shoot for the green.

You need to play your game. Do not let OW or H make-up the rules. Do not play their game. Play yours. Every good game plan has to be flexible. Some times you have to change your strategies to achieve your goals.

Sometime too much information is a bad thing, especially if it is bad intelligence. It can cloud up the other issues that are that are more important to you plan. It is just another distraction. You are doing will.

Keep your sprites up. This is just one more hazard to get by.

Hugs back
VS

[christarn]

Thanks for the words of encouragement VS. I am just flustered right now.

H and I are supposed to have this paperwork signed. I used a "nice" sum of money(my inheritance...i have lost both of my parents) to build a machine shed, deck, pool, put in central AC/heat at his home/our marital home. So the paperwork which I am going to sign forfeits me getting any money from him, even though by law he would have to give the inheritance back. I guess what I am saying is, right now I am really confused....he said in multiple text messages he is in this for the "right reasons" meaning our M; he stated this wasn't a joke to him; he said he needed the paperwork signed to make himself feel better...so he could stop worrying about all of this. I asked him last week about what he was going to do when C reccomends he stop seeing OW...he said he didn't know. Now to have confirmation she spent the whole weekend there...it just makes me leary about his motives. Is he really in this for our M as I am, or does he just not want to pay money...and how will i know? If the money were not a factor, would he still go to C with me? or would we already be D? His actions this weekend are just saying a lot.

When I found out she was there, I called him and asked how he was feeling, since he said he was sick last week and wasn't able to attend MC. I asked him how long he wanted my L to put the MC timeing on the paperwork...meaning are we going to try this for 2 months, 4 months, or 6 months. He said 4. I said 6. I then said it wasn't a joke to me, he didn't reply. I then asked if he was going to quit seeing OW, he said we would have to talk about that later.

I went out with friends last night had a good time. Even sent H a random text...probably wasn't with my better judgment. I then text him early this morning and said we probably needed to talk before the paper work was signed. I just need some kind of assurance or peace of mind he is in this for our R/M. He's just made comments like last night he said "what happens after 2 months if we know it's not gonna work"...things like that just make me wonder??? I told him I believed our M was going to work, so I didn't even want to think like that.

So that was the weekend of events....any advice?

I can't help but wonder if he gets to MC and we start doing things together if things won't start to change. I don't know...it's been a long rough weekend. I just wish I knew what he was thinking. Wouldn't that be nice!!!! LOL!!!

(((VS)))
christa

[Very Scared 54]

Christa,

I do not want to sound like Chicken Little, but if were me, I would have a face-to-face talk with H about OW before I would sign the papers. Text messages are too easy to hide behind about feelings and motives. I would like to look him in the eye and let him tell me how much he is committed to M. I would want to watch his body language especially his eyes while he is telling how he will deal with OW. Phone calls and text massages will not give you the whole picture. It is harder to fake it when you are face-to-face with someone. You will need to watch lissen with a clear eye and with some suspiciousness.

Even thought you want to save your marriage, you do not want to give away the farm to get there. If H is really committed to repairing R/M and he believes you are, signing a paper should not make a deference to him. Money makes people do strange things, but do not give him everything just to go to C for 4, 6, 8 months. Once the paper is signed H has all of the cards and you do not have anything left to leverage.

Think about this real hard. I strongly suggest you meet with H and talk about the two questions that you have been wanting answers to. OW and his commitment to M/R. You need to have answers to at least these 2 questions. I would not sign everything away until I am convinces that he is on the up and up.

The OW maybe influencing H to play hardball with you. She wants to keep what she got as much as you want it back. It would be only normal for her fight for her man. No female wants to get dumped by a man the has a house with a pool (LOL). All kidding aside be cool, but know the OW is an influence on H’s demeanor and actions.

Get some answer from him you can believe. Do not except answers that leave you interpreting or wondering what he is thinking.

I am proud of you for going out and having a good time last night. I read an article about texting or calling exs while you are out drinking. The article said it was not the best idea.

Here I go again running at the mouth. Sorry for writing so much, but I do not want you to sell yourself down the river just on the hope H will stick to his word.

This is just my opinion. It may not be right for you and you will have to do what you think is best for your sitch.

I am here by your side. EYE ON THE GREEN

((((Christa))))

VS

[Forrest Gump]

Him getting "over" on you is certainly an option. And really there is no way to know for sure this is not the case.

It comes back to is this a "fair trade" for you. Is what you loose worth what you may gain... even if you gain nothing.

I am not exactly sure how much of a "loss" we are talking about.. but if it is less than 50k.. it is likely worth it. If it is more then that.. we may have to talk.

6 months should be fair.. that would be 24 sessions? I suspect you will get a quick idea of where things are headed after the first consistent month. Maybe include that if he "misses" a session or 2 that kills the deal.

In the long run.. make a deal.. you both can live with.

As far as OW.. you have to suspect that with as much time has passed.. he has not been "faithful" and has likely created other "relationships". I am just gonna say.. if that was a deal breaker.. we would not be trying to do what we are right now.

This situation.. is a Hot Mess.. no doubt. Still just make smart choices that you can live with down the road.

If you do that.. you win.. even if you are "moneyless".

[christarn]

Thanks guys! your input is much appreciated!

I am just really thinking about all of "this"

H and I are supposed to meet up tonight and go over all of the details of the paper work. I am going to discuss my concerns with him. I agree with VS, I need to be able to look him in the eyes and ask some very point blank questions and see his responses.

I want to save my M, but am not sure of H's motives...which is what is scaring me.

In the end, does the ends justify the means? I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Is H just bating me? Or can we over come all of this?....oh the questions that running through my little mind!!!

I have learned so much from this board...DB is about saving myself first! which I have managed slowly but surely to do...so in this time frame on the paper work...will H see that? or is he just doing this to save himself some cash???

time will tell!

will keep you posted!

((((VS and FG))))

christsa

[dday101798]

Completely in agreeance with VS.

Face-to-face communication is the only way to know for sure. With my W, when we're fact-to-face, rare it may be (basiclally only when they're fighting) , she can't hide her true feelings, weither said or not, the eyes and language tell all.

Get her on the phone or text, and 90% of the time her OM is there and it's back to the same old grind and things take a u-turn right back to where we were months ago.

good luck.

BTW - what's with all us Illinois people on here, something in the water?

[christarn]

Thanks D-Day!!!

Where r u at in IL?? I agree I should know something when we talk face to face.

I am trying to figure out how to bring all of this up without being to over the top...if that makes sense? i don't want the "old me" coming out...I have to figure out a way to do this with tact. Any good ideas???

thanks for the input!!!

((DDAY))

christa

[Forrest Gump]

"H and I are supposed to meet up tonight and go over all of the details of the paper work. I am going to discuss my concerns with him. I agree with VS, I need to be able to look him in the eyes and ask some very point blank questions and see his responses."

Just keep it calm and civil.. don't let him see you sweat.

This.. in the scheme of things is not a life altering decision. This is just some "guidance". The work starts after you 2 settle this.. no matter which way things go.

Best thing I can tell you.. is be a friend. Whatever happens.. you will be ready.. Just go out there and do this thing.. pay attention to what he says.. watch his body language. Listen to your "Little Voice".

Good luck.. and remember... Smile!

[dday101798]

Thanks D-Day!!!

Where r u at in IL?? I agree I should know something when we talk face to face.

I am trying to figure out how to bring all of this up without being to over the top...if that makes sense? i don't want the "old me" coming out...I have to figure out a way to do this with tact. Any good ideas???

thanks for the input!!!

((DDAY))

christa

Near west subs of Chicago.

I'm not even going to try and conjour up advice as you seem to be way ahead of where my sitch is at, although just a week ago we seemed to be doing great, but that was only because W's father was back in his house (where she "stays") and now that he's left again, everything fell apart.

I can say that the last few times we saw each other even after being spread to 3 times over a 2 1/2 month period?, each time there was sincerity. Each time she said she wants to do something to try and fix this, I knew she meant it. I'm personally just trying to come up with a system to maintain that notion after she leaves and returns to him, which is where I've been blowing it, royally. The face to face talk, to me, that's the easy part, you'll know when the time is right and he's ready to talk.