I don't like it, not one bit. It is one of my clearly stated boundaries, he knows I don't like it. I've asked him to be open about it, he is only if I ask, but I do feel that he's being truthful with me about the frequency and content of their communication. Don't know why I feel that way...I know I can't/shouldn't trust him on it, but I do. What's my other choice? To challenge him and spy on him and stir things up? In the midst of his A, he was working in her state constantly...used any little excuse to get out of town. He isn't doing that anymore. He also avoided me like crazy, wouldn't come home, wouldn't touch me...that's not happening anymore either.
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What am I jealous of? Is it just fear of being hurt again?
I have these thoughts too--and I think it's more the latter for me. They're natural consequences, I think.
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I wonder if I'm just not smart enough, creative, imaginative enough, to see this in the right light, or see another way of thinking and feeling about this. Any clues? How did you make it through this, or how are you making it through this?
I feel this way often...what is wrong with me? But really, we're not perfect either. For some reason, things seem a lot muddier when they're happening in our lives--it would be much easier to see it all clearly if we were looking in from outside our perspectives I think. So I try to cut myself some slack and be open to inspiration and do the best I can.
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I really felt we had made a breakthrough. She was telling me that she finally knew what she wanted, and it was me and us. She was being affectionate, as I hoped she'd be. She was opening up to me. This all happened in the last couple of weeks. Then she tells me she's talking to OM,and I step back. What now?
What now? Give yourself permission to feel what you feel for a few days, decide what you really want, and get on that path. Your choice.
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Should the past matter, and how much and in what way? Do you have to go ahead and feel the anger and pain before you can move past it?
I think the past matters in that we need to learn from the sitches and not let them repeat, but the past should not be a stumbling block in our journey forward. If you feel that you've felt enough anger and pain, if you can forgive, then when the anger and pain come back, you can say to yourself, "What happened in the past hurt so much, but it is over now. I've dealt with it and I don't need to feel this anymore." I think that's what it really means to "forgive and forget". The more you do it, the more the frequency and intensity of those feelings diminish.
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Since I don't and probably can't know any answers, I have to go back to what I've been doing: do a gut check, get in touch with myself, shake of the pride, ego, fear, and look at what's left, what I really want and need, and do that.
Exactly.
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How about you Aud?
Here's my rock-bottom honest answer: I try not to think about it. I'm not even sure what to write about it, so hang on!
How do I feel about it? Kind of numb. On one hand, H has met maybe 50% of what I thought were my deal-breaker requests. On the other, his words and actions demonstrate a commitment/investment in our R, and he's meeting my needs, apparently the ones that really matter deep down in my heart, because I feel mostly content. He's not perfect by a long shot, but he's the man I chose to spend my life with, and he's putting work into our M. Sometimes I worry that I'm foolish, easily lulled into a sense of security, and trusting things I should not trust. My nature is geared to trusting others, even when I know I can't or shouldn't. I don't know if it's a weakness or a strength--maybe both. I trust him. And I most certainly don't. I'm wierd. Gah.
I'm a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to myself, and I used to put alot of energy into fretting over what he was/wasn't doing to be good, like I do...until I realized and fully accepted that I was wasting a lot of energy for nothing. He has to make his own choices. I can't stand over him and push him one way or the other.
I'm not afraid to be without him. In fact, in this instance, I'm glad for the things I learned/am still learning about myself in this whole experience. I like myself a lot more, have a lot more confidence, and a much clearer idea of what I really want in my life. I choose to be with him, I do love him, and I think it's better for our small children at this point. For now, I don't have EVERYTHING I want, but I have a lot of it. I don't want to upset the apple cart because it's 3/4 instead of 7/8 full. You know?
I am seeing in other areas of my life that my lack of consistency/vigilance in maintaining my boundaries is causing conflict for me, mostly as a parent. I'm doing 90% of the parenting in our home on my own, and we have a lot of love and laughter, but my kids don't take me seriously when it's time to get out the door or do homework or go to bed. I'm easily distracted by little things, and time gets away from me, and we have to hurry and rush and inevitably have a blow-up before anything gets accomplished. I feel that this dynamic is there in my M too, and know I have to work on it...but not sure where to start. I booked an appt with my C for this week to get started on sorting it out, my head feels full of cotton balls when I try to dig in.
I guess for me, at this point, I feel that I need to just keep my eye on my ultimate goal: to enjoy a happy, fulfilling marriage to a loving, faithful, worthy man. I'm not there, but I'm getting there, and life is more about the journey than arriving at the destination. If I keep myself open to progress and deal with the scary stuff as it comes without letting it stop me, I'll make it. Right?
