Another new topic! already? Here we go

[LoginName]

blech, indeed.
I'm having a hard time figuring out what I'm feeling and what I should feel. Maybe you can help me, or we can help each other.

How do you feel about H talking to OW?

My W is making an effort, and I keep reminding myself of that. If she loves me, wants us to work, is willing to work on it, maybe that should be enough. Maybe it doesn't matter if she is talking to OM (about twice a week, she tells me).

Why does it bother me if she talks to OM? Because... she might and probably is still in "love" with him in some form. Is that OK? I love my best friend, I say I love you to a couple of female friends I have (but mean it differently than when I say I love you to my W. Is it because she slept with him, and I haven't slept with these female friends? Is it because it feels like she is trying to have it all and it seems unfair? What's fair anyway? Is it because I'm afraid that if things go wrong for us, or right for them, she'll leave again? Hell, that might be a good thing for me.

Whatever the feeling is, or the motive, or the analysis, I know that I've stepped back away from her in my heart. The intimacy that I thought was growing, and the trust, has been damaged, and it will take time to repair (again). Maybe more than time. Maybe I need to tell her she can't have me and continue to talk to OM.

What would that do? Would she stop talking to OM but resent me? Would she say she had stopped talking to OM but do it anyway? How would I know? You can't monitor someone all the time.

What if I hadn't been married to her, and I was dating her now, and she kept in touch with her ex husband? Is this kind of the same thing?

What am I jealous of? Is it just fear of being hurt again? (Aud, any of this sound familiar to you? Is this how you are thinking?).

I wonder if I'm just not smart enough, creative, imaginative enough, to see this in the right light, or see another way of thinking and feeling about this. Any clues? How did you make it through this, or how are you making it through this?

Sh!t. I really felt we had made a breakthrough. She was telling me that she finally knew what she wanted, and it was me and us. She was being affectionate, as I hoped she'd be. She was opening up to me. This all happened in the last couple of weeks. Then she tells me she's talking to OM,and I step back. What now?

Should the past matter, and how much and in what way? Do you have to go ahead and feel the anger and pain before you can move past it? That year plus of her living in the basement while I lived upstairs, the pain, the uncertainty, the way she's treated me, the disdain, the coldness, the way she's kept me waiting, saying she wasn't sure what she wanted, then saying she didn't want to say she loved me until she meant it (I'm glad she waited I wouldn't want her to fake it, but it was still hard to wait). Basically, it took a lot of strength, patience to wait for her. Somehow it hurts thinking that she was talking to him that whole time, and I didn't know it.

Maybe that's it. Information was withheld from me. I wasn't allowed to make an informed choice. If I had known, I probably would have ended the M. I almost did anyway. Maybe it's a power thing.

But what does he mean to her now? Twice a week she talks to him?! She is so introverted, she doesn't talk to anyone that much. She says she wants me and doesn't love him, but what does that mean? What does she feel for him? Can I share her? As a friend, I know I can. I can easily be her friend and she can talk to OM all she wants. Can I be her spouse though? What does a good, healthy M/R look like?

Since I don't and probably can't know any answers, I have to go back to what I've been doing: do a gut check, get in touch with myself, shake of the pride, ego, fear, and look at what's left, what I really want and need, and do that. It's not easy, but it's seen me through the last 6+ months or so. What else can I do?

How about you Aud?