I find myself praying all the time. Thanking God all the time. In the middle of doing something, I just stop and pray. This is not normal for me.
Last night I heard that my cousin was getting a divorce. Shock. Yet, no judgement on either side from me. Before all of my crap I would have been all over the gossip train trying to find out details, etc. Now, all I think is that I hope they reconcile. I hope they fight. I hope they figure it out. I talked to my husband about it. We hug tight and say we are so lucky, we were so close, it could have been us. It so easily could have been us.
His emails are so tender and caring. He knows me like no other man. His love is completely unconditional. He hurts for me when he sees me in pain. He reassures me when I express any kind of fear. He is not "mushy", not "wishy washy", not "soft". He is such a man. He has changed so much. He takes everything I say seriously now. If I say that I'm upset about something he did or said, he really listens and I see him making sure he doesn't do it again. I do things for him that I never did before even when I don't want to. I respect him. He is so strong.
I ask for forgiveness from him often. He gives me that gift every time. He says he forgives me from the bottom of his heart and soul. He asks for forgiveness as well, and I reassure him, too.
He and I are talking more now about things. Little chunks. Nothing too overwhelming at a time. We are both in such different mind sets than we were 6 months ago. Like different people really. For me, back then, I was wondering if I could be happy with my H when I was "in love" with OM. Now, I think wth was I thinking. The OM doesn't even compare.....I'm more happy now, than I could even think of being with the OM. I'm more happy with my H now than I was before my A, even the beginning of our relationship.
I don't know what God's plan is. No one does. But, I can't help but think that God's plan, as awful as it has been the past few years, has worked miracles on us. I am a different person. I see things so differently in my life. Without all that has happened I wouldn't have had the chance to see what was wrong in my life. My eyes were not seeing what they should have seen. He opened my eyes and my heart. He did this to my H as well.
I had an awful dream last night. Sparing the gory details, I dreamt that an intruder came in the house and killed my H and son. I woke up with this pain in my heart and sick to my stomach. I'm so afraid of losing them, and to think I was so close to letting them go.
