Max effort continues w/ "Project Dan". If you would please say prayers for a long-time neighbor of my folks who at age 62 (i think) went from being plenty healthy and able bodied W and mother to a bed-ridden terribly ill woman in just a matter of a few short months. They have called on hospice care for her after the discovery of lung cancer (non-smoker!?)which has spread throughout her body to include her brain.
Such a mystery in the way the Lord works. But His goodness always prevails.
I don't think there is much more debate about what I need right now. I will be an infrequent visitor to the boards for an indefinite time. My head is too much of a scramble right now and lingering on here for elongated periods of time is not doing much for my PMA.
While I am unplugged and venturing to get myself back to where I ought to be, constant prayers on the "Project Dan" front and all the other fronts will keep going up. Continued peace to you my dear. Teach those youngin's well and keep being your wonderful cheery self. Hopefully my "re-programming" won't be too time consuming and I won't have too much catching up to do around here. Our God is a just God. Stay strong through His guidance.
Hi Bbj, I have said it before and someone told you already today. In some cases, the physical distance keeps the "Quantum of Solace" over nil. Every day "friction" and tension makes the situation look hopeless even when it isnt. It's just adds stress to the already confused spouses. Especially in sitches like yours where this has been going on for too long, distance may be a way to break the circle. I know you dread the possibility of him moving out and you dont want to do it, just keep in mind that if he does move out it maybe better for both of you. His feelings for you are there and will not disappear like he would wish them to, even if he finally decides to leave. Stay strong, K
I know you are right. I just think he needs to do SOMETHING. Stay, or go, make a choice....
If he leaves, I guess there is just the fear there, that he is a guy who is very stubborn. If he decides to leave, he will make sure he sticks by that even if he hates it...
He said before that he wouldn't move home after we told Nathan Daddy and Mommy weren't going to be living together. Because, he said, "It hurt so much to tell Nathan but we DID it, so we can't go back on it". Of course, he DID move in with us, but he never actually talked about it with Nathan, said it 'wasn't necessary'...
Anyway my hope is that moving out, he would see what he already knows, that I am not the cause of his unhappiness, that he does still love me and he wants a life with me and the kids.
On the flip side, I fear that moving out he would feel, "I am FREE! No more annoying BBJ...I can have the kids when I want them but not have to answer to BBJ when I want to go have boys' nights, flirt, pick up ladies, etc..."
I guess if that is his reaction, though, then it was right for him to leave in the first place....
Well, my H told me before he moved out "you know that when I make a decision I NEVER look back!!" Stupid me, believed him twice, once when we got married "forever" and once when he left for good... I guess that explains why "forever" and "always" are words I am trying NOt to use and I find hard to believe. Except in some cases when I am pretty safe and sure things will not change no matter what happens...
I am not sure at this point what to do. I can just keep being me, that seems to screw him up and leave him more conflicted. Every time I am nice, funny, loving, etc. I think he is torn b/c it messes with his plans to leave. But I don't want to pack him up and throw him out the door, either.
So I was thinking I just go about my business and live my life doing what I can for myself and for my kids....and he can tag along, or go, or whatever. But I don't know what it will be like waiting for the other shoe to drop...I just wonder if I should bring this up at all, it seems ingenuine to just be perky and act like none of this talk ever happened. Like if I make dinner, laugh, joke, hang out w/him in the kids he will think I am in denial or trying to act like things are ok...does that make sense?
I mean, on one hand I don't want him to think I don't take his concerns/fears seriously. On the other, hanging around focusing on his unhappiness with our M doesn't make me appealing, either. It is so "me" to either go into overdrive making everything nice and pleasant, or go into overdrive trying to fix the situation that isnt mine to fix...
Thanks, Kalni...that actually gives me a little hope. I need to remember that when he wanted to come back home, HE brought the subject up with ME. So I suppose if he decided he wanted to try again now, it would be up to him to say so...
Although yesterday's conversation was painful, it was good because feelings were communicated and there was understanding between you. The same is true of what you are thinking. Talk to him about it. Make your feelings known, listen to his. Be clear so each of you knows what is going on. Silence is not your friend here. You and he have a lot to talk about if you are going to find a new balance for the relationship.
I guess if that is his reaction, though, then it was right for him to leave in the first place....
You have your answer right there BBJ. I know that I often walked on egg shells in order to "make sure" that I would not do anything that would give W an excuse to leave. The problem is that most WAS are far gone ... if not geographically at least mentally. Throughout this whole process, the LBS is working at the relationship. The WAS rarely does.....so, stop agonizing over it (easy for me to say)...if he wants out let him go. It hurts like hell...the kids suffer but I honestly think that this is the only real shot you guys have of making it (at this point). Just my 2 cents BBJ...pulling for you.
H went out and did some farming, called me first to make sure it was ok with me. I just affirmed, said, "Lucky you! I want to ride on the tractor! Seriously, the harvest needs to come in and your dad needs your help. Go ahead..."
I used to pout when H was gone for the evening so this has been a 180 for me. Just a couple weeks ago, H said he didn't get why I was NOW being supportive of his spending time on the farm, and he wanted to know when I was going to start complaining again...I may have surprised him that I am still not complaining about it...
Anyway he came home, I was putting kids to bed. Once I came out we sat on the couch and watched tv for a bit while D2 kept coming out of her room. We took turns putting her back into bed, it was nice, it felt like we were a team...
Somehow in the course of us sitting there D finally went to sleep, hallelujah! Dan turned the channel and it passed the one we had watched The Notebook on.
Out of nowhere H says, "That was a depressing movie....geez" I said, "How did you find it depressing? I thought it was sweet..." Then I realized that was negating his thought, so I asked, "Was the story line depressing to you, or it got you thinking how you want something like that?" He said it was more the second part...then he told me he looked up the script online at work yesterday and re-read some of the parts!!??!! WTF? I wish I had asked what parts....I just asked him what website, told him maybe I would check it out.
So I guess one little movie has him thinking. Don't know if that is good or bad...He went on to share his feelings for a minute, then tried to pull it back, said "All of that is probably just a bunch of hooey". The conversation went downhill from there in a fun way, I told him I'd never heard him use the word hooey before, he said he didn't think he'd ever said it before...then we came up with other silly words for 'hooey'....
