Please send me good karma!!....I'm gonna need it!

[Silent Chrleader]

Well, I really blew it. I had yet another meltdown tonight. I thought about it and tried to "take the high road" and tell H to tell OW "never mind" about STD tests. I thought that even if she had something, which seems unlikely, I wouldn't know if I had contracted it until my next testing in 6 months anyway. If I'm honest, my real motivation is largely wanting her to suffer a certain amount of "discomfort" for her actions. But, I don't like to see myself as a vindictive person, so I thought this would be a good time to practice patience and let the STD issue go for now, even though I still don't believe her story that she took the tests "a couple months ago" because why didn't she say that when I first asked for them?

So, I tried to call H before he called OW back but he wasn't answering. I tried him at his desk phone and cell phone several times when I was alone and could talk about this sensitive issue, but no luck. When he called me back, he said he had already talked to OW again and asked her to think about re-doing the tests for my piece of mind. OW said she would "think about it".

Then tonight we had another issue in that S17 was out in our BIG truck with friends (it is against the law for him to drive with kids under 18 until he is 18 himself in this state). I had told him he could use the truck for one small errand, but he was gone all afternoon and when I called his friend step-dad, I was told the boys were all out together (why the step-day allowed that I do not know!). So, I ended up riding the bus home while my S17 was out joyriding and needless to say I was very put out! I came home and took his keys, license and cell phone and grounded him. Then I went into my room and promptly melted down (for the second time today! - the other was over the testing issue with H) I get so very tired of feeling like I am the only person I know that thinks of anybody other than themselves!!

So, I wrote in my journal, and thought about it, and then called and left H a message to call me back, and when he did I found that he is in a bar drinking and smoking a cigar (his favorite pastime nowadays). I told him I just wanted to tell him that OW doesn't have to "re-take" the STD tests. If she took them a couple months ago like she said, why doesn't she just ask her Dr for a copy of the results and provide them? [Don't ask me why I didn't think of that before......] Well, H was annoyed that I didn't leave detailed message for him on voice mail which is "our agreement" so he can decide if it's worth his time to call me back. (Yes, that's sooooo degrading!!). And he was annoyed at the multiple "missed calls" on his phone, which I explained were from earlier in the day, but that doesn't matter to him. So, once again H is thinking "Same old SC! The emotional basket case! Chasing!" and that I'll never change. No wonder he's in the bar!

And the tiny little connection we seemed to have made yesterday during our talk is gone just like that. And I'm so discouraged and angry at myself!! I'm so a lost cause!!