I signed up today to be a bell-ringer for the Salvation Army's kettle drive. I'm going to take my two kids and man a kettle from 5:30pm-8:00pm Thursday night.
Thought it would be nice to get out of the house and see the Christmas spirit at work.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
I am really worried. I just returned from a dinner with a mutual friend of H and mine who is one of his law partners. She told me that he is screwing up at work - not the quality of his work but his professionalism - disappearing from the office when he has meetings with associates without telling them, leaving for his CLE in New York without telling anyone when or for how long he'd be gone. Telling his boss that he was in meetings and on vacation in the same conversation to explain not returning emails. Not returning emails for 1 day and 1/2. Telling his boss he knows other partners are out to get him.
In black and white this may not look very bad, but knowing H as I know him, his job is everything to him. He has always proded himself on his professionalism. This is very abberant behavior. And there is nothing I can do.
I really tried to DB this friend but when she started expressing concern for his well being, I opened up about my concern for him. I do not think she will tell him, she thinks he is unwell and was asking me how I thought she ought to handle him as his boss. She is as worried about him as I am.
I am scared for him, scared I srewed up and scared that something really bad is going to happen to him and that there is nothing I can do about it.
Hey Beth I understand your concern on your H's health. It is normal. H is also your friend too. I know it is hard place for you now because your hands are tied. I would still let him take the lead. If he needs your help, just be ready with your helping hands...... Like they said, Keep up the good PMA.....for both of you. NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
All you can do is be there. Unfortunately whatever he is doing is of his making. Watching people ruin themselves is the hardest thing in the world. Depression, is an incredibly sad sad thing to watch someone go through when it gets this bad. But you have to detatch. You have to. For you. Otherwise, you will get sucked right into it. I know it sounds harsh. I know it sounds wrong. But last year when MIL got bad, watching her one by one throw away every person in her family, screw up her job, not sleep, get sick, and just get worse and worse. Well, I can tell you it affected all three of us in the house. Yes even my S. Thank God kids are resiliant. He got angry, he started to focus on him. Way before H or I did. I have since woken up but don't know if H has, he is on his way I think, but...
Watching him sink too these last months has been very hard for me. So yes PMA enough for two. And detatch. You need to do both of those things. For both of you.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
Thanks for the support and information. My IC said the same thing to me a couple of months ago when I told IC I thought H was suffering from depression. He said I cannot let myself get sucked in and pulled down with H.
Kelaaron, you are so right when you say it sounds wrong. My head knows there is nothing I can do, my heart and the rest of my being wants to help him and does not know what to do. I know, do nothing. But that just seems so wrong.
I also know now that he is lying about things to people (probably including me). Told his boss about the chest pains but said he saw a doctor, told me he has had no time to see a doctor. Told me he worked nonstop in NY, told his boss it was vacation.
It takes time. The biggest thing I can stress right now is to not get sucked it. Trust me on this, it really can happen and then guess what, you are both a mess.
Time, time, time and focusing on yourself will help you detatch. Here is a way to look at it that maybe doesn't seem as wrong. When he finally needs you or asks for help or breaks down and they call you cuz you are the W, what good are you going to be to him if you are right there, stuck in his drama?
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
It is so hard not knowing when he will bottom out. As I look back over the last few years, I can clearly see that his crisis (whether it's mid-life crisis or depression) started a few years ago. His decline is rapidly accelerating now: left me in August, chest pains by October, screaming at boss and screwing up at work October-November, rapid weight loss between October-November.
I know the MLC stuff can take years but I am starting to believe H has been in MLC/depression for years. Does it seem like a crash is coming soon?
We cannot know if\when he will crash and, frankly, his problems are no longer your problems.
He needs to 'own' his problems and address them. If he doesn't want to address them, then it's not your place to think otherwise.
Yes, he may get fired. Yes, he may end up with health issues. Not your concern.
One of my favorite sayings is: 'Make your choices, live with the consequences'. He's made his choice and forced you out of his life. Now he either needs to deal with the consequences or make a different choice (to reconcile).
Seems doubtfull that he will choose reconcilliation anytime soon. So you need to detach and move forward yourself. To quote my mom: "This is none of your bees wax"!
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
Thanks for the 2x4, I know I need it. It just seems counter-intuitive to let someone you love flounder when he is sick.
My next question is, do I keep heading down the DB path with him? I know I will keep it up for me, it is helping me enormously. Rather what I mean is, do I keep up the meetings as he asks for them (if he asks for them)? Seems like they are so few and far between they should not hamper detachment.
I am the only road block I have to detachment. I am the one getting in my own way and wanting to save someone who has walked away from me. It comes from my sense of family and taking care of family when they are sick even if they do not want it.
I realize that forcing help on him hurts us both - me, it gets me sucked into his sickness, him, it would push him even farther away.
I just want to keep venting about it here, right now, because I am feeling physically sick as the realization of what is happening to him and to me is really sinking in after last night's dinner. He is gone physically and now, I guess I am realizing finally, emotionally and I cannot change that and somehow, it is particularly devastating to me today.
I guess because until last night, I was still in denial. Still convinced I could some how reach him emotionally and now I do not think I can do that and it is crushing me.
