Worse before Better?

[Sophie]

I don't know what to think...or what is right anymore.

I can't imagine H would think I am in ANY way okay with the D, and the filing he did last week!!!!

I don't care how wonderful he was yesterday. I have no knowledge that H dropped the procedings....or that he has had any revelations!!!

AND, now I'm doubting my success at living 'as if'....could it be possible I have lead him into thinking I am okay either way...D...or not?????

H would be an idiot to think that if I realize all the niceness yesterday was simply to 'butter me up'...or show me he CAN be a nice guy....that my anger wouldn't escalate!!

I do NOT like being tricked!!

I have this urge to inform him that whatever he thought he was doing yesterday, he's not going to change my counter suit!!

But..........I won't contact him.

[job]

Sophie,
The behavior your h exhibited yesterday is very typical of someone in crisis. Once the dirty deed (divorce) in your lap, they can be as pleasant as can be. However, once you begin to stand up for your rights and what is necessary to ensure that you and your family are taken care of, I can assure you, Mr. Nice just may very well go back to being Mr. Ugly. Right now, he thinks everything is going his way, but we know that the situation will change once the lawyers are in the middle of the mix.

Sophie, sit still, wait patiently and things will be revealed to you. Do not for one minute think that he's dropped to proceedings, for he hasn't. He's trying to appease his guilt for doing what he's done. The next thing you know, he'll say that "he wants to be friends".

Hang in there.

[Sophie]

Hi Snodderly...

Well...he mentioned the friend thing in his D-warning memo...below:

Hi,

I'm Sorry I shut down on you the other night, I just didn't know how to tell you that i have already filed for a divorce.
Look I really don't want bad things for you.
I don't want you to lose the house or your life, I know you have worked really hard at it.
We have been in a stalemate for years now and it is time. I don't want this to get really ugly for either one of us or the kids. The uglier it gets the more money and pain it will cost all of us.
I'm sorry you are getting this via E-mail, but it's the only way for me to express myself.
We will all get through this and i hope that one day we could be friends if at all possible.
Sincerely,
H

I dont' want H anywhere near me if he is still full steam ahead, sure of getting a D.

The only reason I didn't act on those feelings is because I am confused about DBing with this.

Do I continue to 'allow' him in MY house????

I feel I am leading him on....by letting him in!!

I simply could not imagine that after:

Monday...the D-warning memo...I don't respond
Tues...I don't respond
Wed...I get served.....I don't respond
Thurs...I let him know I have no other option than to get my own L. (H asked about mediation instead...I don't respond)
Fri....I don't respond.
Sat....I don't interact at soccer game even though his 'pained' look made me extremely curious.
Sun...s10 asks to watch football with him...without me knowing.

I feel a bit edgy that H would think that I was in anyway wanting him to hang around after how I looked right through him at the soccer game, and he kNOWS what I feel about D!!!

H has not come here and treated me like this over his A, his walking out on me...and now the big D...and he's the best he's been to me in over a year.

I can handle the assumption that he is confused and second guessing his rash decision to send papers when he was in a financial crisis. Remember, a D isn't going to solve that problem for him ANY time soon.

I have a VERY hard time dealing with his kindness coming from some sort of celebration that he finally had me served with D papers. That's emotional cruelty.

I am SO confused how DBing fits in right now! I have to read, read read......

[Andabelle]

"Monday...the D-warning memo...I don't respond
Tues...I don't respond
Wed...I get served.....I don't respond
Thurs...I let him know I have no other option than to get my own L. (H asked about mediation instead...I don't respond)
Fri....I don't respond."

He doesn't know what you're thinking, and it's making him nervous?

[Sophie]

Andabelle,

I'll take your idea...

He doesn't know what you're thinking, and it's making him nervous?

I'm just bordering craziness thinking he intentionally, or even unintentionally, is 'playing' me.

I broke away from that emotional roller coaster over a year ago...and I don't want to get on it with a D in the courts.

I can't imagine H being that dilusional to think I'm looking the other way and happy with his latest decision.

Decision #1...cheat on wife.
Decision #2 15 months later....walk out on wife and kids.
Decision#3 30 months later...file D papers on wife when things have been friendly and easy going.

But...he needed money!!!

Sorry...I'm venting a bit but the truth is I'm scared.

[job]

Sophie,
You have every right to be scared. You don't know what he's thinking or where the divorce is leading. You don't know what he's got up his sleeve in the way of settlement and to be quite honest w/you, I was scared as heck when this happened to me many years ago. Then, as we moved along for 2 1/2 years, I got really angry about the way my xh was trying to take advantage of me and the situation. I got angry because of the way he was playing the pity party game and the lies he was telling everyone about our life, i.e., rewriting history. Once the anger took over, I wasn't scared any longer because I had to fight to save our assets and ensure that he didn't take me to the cleaners in the process.

Sophie, you are scared because your h isn't acting like the h you once knew. He's off kilter and it's not a comfortable, warm and fuzzy feeling you are getting from him. Protect yourself at all costs. Do not share what you've learned here or the discussions you have with your lawyer. Play this card game very close and keep your knowledge to yourself.

Hang in there. We are here for you.

[Andabelle]

Yes, let him (and his L) wonder.

[Sophie]

Hi...it's me...I survived the day and met my lawyer. Whew...

Before I say anything...my H gave the most warmth and admiration last Sunday. (After a week of me not responding...)

anyway...my L said that the way the papers were filed, how they were served and the wording in them that this H is not in any hurry.

That it implies that H just wanted to get the ball rolling for whatever reason...and since the timing doesn't quite fit...it could be an irrational mood, his buttons were pushed, the papers were with his L...and H just made the call to 'serve her'...after I didn't have any money to help him out.

Or...of course there's the possibility that he wants to move on with a possible OW, but the lack of urgency and no time limit set on me doesn't indicate that...so, my L says.

So...I have to file an answer...

Now...I am not sure whether to continue my 'as if'...ban him from the house (he'd say away 'cause he avoid confrontation at all costs)

My L and talked about how mediation would fit in...but, to always bring any sort of agreement made in mediation to him to review.

My head is spinning....I feel like a beaten rag.

I haven't talked to H about any of this...NO WAY!!!

If either of the two of us is devious...it would be me!

One huge thing that is bugging the HECK out of me is where did H get the money for a retainer?

Maybe the parents, but I seriously doubt it. They would provide money for a retainer if H was in trouble because of something I did, or if I was a threat to him. MIL has been planning a christmas trip for me and the kids and H if he wanted to go....I wouldn't be surprise if they know nothing yet.

I know I can't waste my mind figuring that out...and I'll get over it shortly...but, it's all so raw today.

Thanks for listening....I feel comfortable with the law side of this...I wish a counselor would come to my house and just talk to me about human behavior.

I don't have money to pay for that now.

I'm holding back anger for H making me spend $200 today...right before Christmas...I so BADLY want to YELL SCREAM and SCOLD him!~!!

....but, I won't....'cause I don't want him to know anything about me...nothing.

[Sophie]

This isn't going to be a truly fair question, but I am so nervous....

what can happen next????

I just want to take the kids and hide in a cave!!

[Dawn of Hope]

Hi, Sophie,
I can't give you any advice on legal stuff, as I haven't been through that (keeping my fingers crossed that I never will), but I just wanted to tell you I'm reading along and hoping for the best for you.

I do understand your puzzlement about H coming up with mystery money, though...my H has SOMEHOW come up with about $15,000.00 out of thin air, even though we are living more or less paycheck to paycheck and he has quite a history of complaining about our finances (we still live in the same house and have more or less joint finances). I have speculated a bit on where this money might possibly have come from, but I have not said one word to him about it, and I'm not even sure he knows that I'm aware of it (did you follow that?). I am just leaving it up to God, while trying to do what I can to look after myself financially (difficult as it is becoming), regardless of what he might do.

So...I hope you don't feel hijacked, but these MLCers are just a big mystery sometimes, and the SANE LBS's are just left scratching our heads, wondering what's going on in the MLCers' tiny minds!

Peace,
Dawn