The results are in...Dust myself off & start again

[Andabelle]

His whistling the other day-- maybe he was just putting on a brave face. He has to be aware on some level that his world is about to fall down around his ears.

I'm with the others, you should let him disrespect you like that in your own home.

Sorry the paternity test turned out like it did. I feel for that poor boy. He has no father and a questionable mother. Your kids are so lucky to have you.

[MidwesternGirl]

I saw this episode of Reba and her ex came over asking for some of his things and of course he married ow as he went thru a MLC.

Reba told him his stuff is in the garage labeled, "crap that does not belong here."

[Treese]

MWG...omg....that is funny....I've thought about putting something clever on the boxes....he would be ticked off....LOL!!

I was talking with son Sunday night...he had spent the night with his dad and he was telling me all the stuff they did....ice cream, smoothies, game works, all the fun stuff...I let him talk but my insides were in a knot....those would be things we would all do together and now I'm not included...but I smiled at son, not to let him think it bothered me...I asked son if he has ever showered at dad's....he said, "no"...WTF? are you kidding me...it's like a sleepover...its fun, then he drops him off when he finished with him....that's not a father....that's a playpal...geez....I am left with the tired, irritated son...Huuhhhhh....

H was in the house for a very short time when he dropped son off...I didnt really care to see him really....guess maybe I'm detaching a bit...heck I don't even know anymore what I'm doing...it's just at a standstill until he goes to court so we can pay for this child...who, yes, deserves it, who didn't have a father for 9 years, had a lying, cheat for a mother...but my life will change so much....grrrr......

I don't even want holidays, don't want to cook, clean, shop, nothing....I have no energy to do anything...I've been having terrible headaches....have had headaches all my life but lately they are horrible....guess the stress is getting to me...

Yes, I still cry....I'm still mourning....it was 30 years...will I survive? I suppose so but not the way I had planned....that roller coaster ride seems to be stuck at the top...I don't know what he is planning...whether he is going to use this lawyer he got for our D too or what....guess I'm waiting to be served and he'll never tell me he did it...he'll just wait for me to call and say something...but I won't I will ignore it all....

H still thinks things will be okay, "as long as the kids know we both love them, they will be fine".....this fairytale life he is living well...sometimes I wish I had part of it....mine seems so stressful and full of crap...the truth is, he has no idea how the kids are....no idea how they are doing in school, never asks, and i don't offer...I went to a friends last night to watch the beginning of the Browns game, told son I would come home at halftime, and could he get himself ready for bed and get there himself...D16 was with him....he was fine with it and I didn't leave until 8:00...well....I was driving home at 10:15...son called...he asked where I was and if I was on my way home......my son is afraid I'm not going to come home, since his dad left.....this angers me....I have told my son I am coming home, that I love him, I will never leave him....it doesn't matter he's only 11...he misses his dad....

But dad has a new life, that pretty much doesn't include us...new OW, her children, another son, etc....

so, everyone.....will I be Okay....ever? truth is I'm so scared!!!

had to vent a little thanks for listening..

[job]

Treese,
So, you don't want to do anything for the holidays? Then don't or do as little as possible. It might be a good time to start some new traditions...go away for the holiday, do something different, etc.

As for your headaches, stress is a large part of the problem and the crying doesn't help either. Yes, you will survive and in time, you'll start to pick yourself up off the floor and start to live again. Right now, it's very, very fresh and the holidays aren't helping.

Sounds like your h is reliving his youth w/a sleep over. Can we say that your h and son are about the same age at this time? Of course it's going to be fun at dad's. He's not the one that has to oversee his son's life right now. You are the parent and you are doing a darn good job of it. Don't allow those fun times to ruin things for you and your son. Chalk it up and go on. It will get old after awhile and your h is going to get tired of putting on that happy face all of the time.

Treese, take care of yourself. It will get better in time, but you have to be the one to take that first tiny step to dig yourself out of that dark, scary hole. You are afraid of what the future holds and for now, look to today and tomorrow and allow the future to take care of itself. One day at a time!

[Andabelle]

Sorry your're feeling so down-- I can relate. I am really not looking forward to the holidays either.

What might we do to make ourselves feel better? I can't make any expensive plans, but might be able to go up the road up bit to get away for a day or 2. Would have to get somebody to look after my animals, though. How about you?

[Treese]

Andabelle....not sure what to do....

I can't make any plans either..I still don't know how much we are going to have to pay the mother of his child....it just makes me sad....can't help it..

H was here last night when I got home...he picked son up from basketball practice....he was on his laptop and helping son with his homework...started talking to me and I forgot for a minute we were separated....he took my trash can down to the curb....and I had told him something was wrong with my car...he looked over the car put fluids in it and came back in the house...

I had told my son to take a shower but he was very hesitant going up the steps starring in the kitchen at his father and me having a peaceful...laughing conversation...didn't know how to react....

When he was done with his shower he ran down the steps saying, "is dad still here"....I said, "yes"...

He came back to the kitchen and said, "K, gotta go back to work, I'll talk to ya"....and he left...

Tonight he picked up son again and came in for a few minutes...I've been fighting horrible headaches and no sleep...I think it's all just getting to me ....I was a little irritated this evening...
H fixed a few things for son and then he just left....said, "I gotta go back to work, bye.." that's short for I'm going to OW house....

Anyway....I'm just trying to get through a day...day by day....one day I'll wake up and I won't be sad anymore....I hope!

[Andabelle]

I was practically non-functioning until recently because I hadn't been getting much sleep. Have had lots of illness since H left, too.

I forget-- do you take ADs?

[Treese]

Yep....take AD's....not sure if they're working or not...I think a little....I"ve taken several different kinds...had reactions to alot of them....but I think this one is best....I don't think it will ever make me totally function normally but I think I'm much better than I was a year ago.....

[Andabelle]

Hope you are feeling better today, Treese.

[Treese]

MOrning All....

It's been very quiet since Wednesday...son did not hear from H until last night I guess...I wasn't home

I've just gone about my own thing...paying the bills, taking care of kids...laundry...you know all the stuff H doesn't have to do...but D16 has been helping alot...D21 will be home Wednesday...can't wait and neither can S11 & D16...they miss their sister...almost brings tears to my eyes cause I miss her so much..she is the light in the dark room...Hopefully I will take pictures this week of my 3 kids...a Christmas picture...to replace the family pic on my wall...my girls want it removed...I guess I've been the one hanging on to it...the only part of "family" I have at the moment...

So....I was invited to go tailgate at the OSU campus yesterday...with a male friend...and we were going to meet other friends down there...so I WENT.... :)....yikes....told my mom what I was doing....no questions...wow....unusual...anyhow...wait til I tell you what happened...
First of all I met at his house so he could drive...I went in with my coffee...it was freezing here...he bought me foot warmers and hand warmers so I wouldn't be cold down there...very sweet...I probably had a shocked look on my face cause H would have expected me to get them for myself...anyway..H was working that day because he is a supervisor for a food place and one of his stores is on campus...we drove down and we parked, got out of the car, I was getting my coat, and he said, "look, ** is delivering already", I turned and guess who was driving the car...yep....H...I caught his eye and he caught mine...what are the odds...really....I didn't wave and neither did he....I think I was in shock....so now he saw me getting out of a car with another guy....a friend....but he doesn't know that....then he turned and went about his business....I didn't have my contacts in and I turned to my friend and said, "omg, I think that was H"..he said, "are you sure"...I said 95% sure...so I just went about my day....

Then when we got home I was invited to another friends for the evening...so I went...I was a little tired but I went...why not...while I was gone H called....my mom answered the phone and H said, "what are you doing there"...mom said, "watching S11"...that's it....I wonder if he was calling to check and see if I was home....hmmmmmm...not sure...don't really care at this point....mystery? I got home about 10....son had been sking when I was coming home...2nd day in a row he asked...he is afraid I'm not going to return home....breaks my heart but I havee to get out sometimes....

So, today...son and I are getting a few decorations out...cleaning house and just chillin by the fire....I've been loving on him all morning....he loves that..so this Christmas I will love on my kids and thank God for giving me the 3 most beautiful gifts ever....

(((hugs)))

Terisa