Yeah, the emotion part is hard for me Hope. I get excited about little stuff and worried over stuff I shouldn't. I think I am just so tired that at some point it will just come out. I read something a bit ago, that sums up what I feel and I need to say to H.
"This is extremely difficult for me. I refuse to share you with another person. And, I know it is difficult for you. But, at some point I will draw a line in the sand."
I guess this sums me up pretty much, I am not wanting to share anymore, I shouldn't have too.
MT-did you read what I said earlier? Two years. It took me to years to get to where you are trying to go. Two years of knowing about her, fighting about her (yes I didn't have DB then) and threatening to leave (me not him). TWO YEARS before I said enough. I didn't tell him to choose. I chose. And I chose me then. And so did he. You know what you feel and what you want but don't push yourself into something you aren't ready to do yet. I got to the this is what I won't do anymore point way before I actually did anything about it. You will get there, and only you will truly know when you are there, but please make sure it is right before you do it. End of my soapbox.
Love you.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
wow that statement up there mt, was better than the way i put it, I will have to find the email i sent and post it i guess. you know what else helps me sometimes? I write and email to H telling him whatever i am feeling or want to say, then email it to myself...... love you sis
M 36 XH 34 3 children If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. Mark 3:25 "your mood swings are giving me whiplash" twilight ALIVE FREE AND HAPPY 2010
Thanks BG- Yeah I think it sums up where I am at. Making myself say it will be another thing I am sure, but I know when I get angry enough it will come out. I guess time will tell! Love ya too!
OK, weird night. H gets home around 4:30, I let the dogs out was standing on the deck H was messing with the CD player in the jeep. All of a sudden an A-10 Warthog flew over, like just over the tops of the trees, VERY LOW. H loves aircraft and we have been to many air shows. I run off the deck yelling H hears it as it goes by. It was neat, not sure why it was there and was that low. I would say whoever the pilot was, they were having a good time. We are not close to any bases, and was a first for me to see around here. So that dominated our conversation for a long time, led to us talking about going to an air show around 1996 or so, up by KC saw the Blue Angles and it was the first time we saw Shockwave (jet powered truck) that is awesome to watch. We talked about it, how hot it was that day, I had on some white Keds shoes and they were melting to the blacktop. We bought SD a blow up Blue Angels Jet, we both remembered it all. That is one thing, my H doesn't do. He hasn't turned our good memories into bad ones. He still says we have had good times. He said at one point back in early August right after the bomb that people say things and he will remember stuff we have done. H said that someone was talking to a new worker at the store and she told the guy she only dated cowboys, and H said it reminded him of all the horse shows we have been to and the fun we have had. I guess I am lucky for that too.
We ended up going to my Mom and Dad's again. Which we haven't been there at all since the bomb and twice now in the last 2 days. H wanted my Dad to do his football picks so he could see if he was closer to my picks or H's picks. I wanted to see how their teacher meeting went today that they weren't looking forward too. I think they were surprised to see us again too. H also wanted me to get my old guitar, that I played when I was a kid. The other day I noticed he was searching for Learn to play the guitar on the internet. H sat and messed with it after we got home for at least an hour. He said he wasn't in the mood to mess with it tonight, but then he just kept messing. I made some popcorn and was looking at some magazines, and H just kept playing. Then at a little after 8:00 he goes and puts the guitar up and says I will be back in a little while. He didn't come out and say he was going to OW's town, but I would guess that is where he went. So it makes me wonder....why was he here so long tonight. Did she have something she was doing and wasn't going to be home until later? He doesn't make any sense at all. I now he isn't going to make any, but this is just odder than normal.
So have the game on, waiting to see who will win our football pot as there is a tie so I need the score. Hope everyone has a great night!
Something else H said, SD called too, she is housesitting for her Grandma this week, and my mom's B-day is Friday, and I am doing dinner on Sunday, she called to see if her new boyfriend can come to dinner. I had said he could come to Thanksgiving. Not as gung ho about my mom's b-day dinner, but H finally gave in because she won't see him for like 2 weeks. Yeah it was just her whining, but oh well. Anyway, H asked her for her insurance money for her car, and she said she would have it this week. But we are both wandering if this BF and her going to his town (90 miles away) all the time will make it so she won't graduate this December. She has told us she is going to graduate now two other semesters, that is part of why we haven't gotten along, because I know she skips and has had to retake some of her classes. She has had other issues too, but she has assured us she will graduate and has bought and recieved her announcements. Anyway H was talking to me after she called and said if she doesn't graduate this semester she is done with you and I, the way he says stuff it is like we will be together in the future. I am sure she will move to her Mom's town when she does graduate since her BF is there now. Just hope she gets done. It used to bother me the sh*t she pulled, but now I don't care near as much.
Funny she doesn't have her insurance money because she had to add her mom to her cell phone plan, and her mom hasn't been able to pay for her part of the bill. She also supposedly gave her mom her extra Financial Aid to help her pay her bills. SD was supposed to save the extra aid money until Jan and show us she could pay for a rent payment, back when she was wanting to move out after she found out about H and what he was doing. We knew she wouldn't not spend the money, and I could see her mom borrowing money from her. Her mom is a real piece of work!
Mt-saw you read what I wrote on Hope's. I was not trying to play the pity party game. I was not sure when I came here if MLC was what I was dealing with or not. I did the timeline after reading what other people said, said they had heard, experienced etc... Hope really helped me. Her H and mine could be the same person with some of the nasty comments. I'm not really sure how long she has been living with it, and I'm not sure if you are or with something else. I got the feeling that is what Hope was trying to help you figure out. When you look at it, if you can, like that, it is eye opening. Yes I have made a lot of mistakes. Yes we had issues. But unfortunately that isn't really what I'm dealing with here. Hope either. Can't really fix the old problems until this passes. If it does. Don't really know if it will. That is why I'm sort of stepping back a little for a while. Taking care of me and what I want. I know where he is. I know as best I can what he is going through. I have posted so all over and with little consistency because that is how I had to learn about me and what I needed to do. Unfortunately, makes a story hard to follow LOL. Even the one person who totally gets me, from the inside out had to read that post to really see everything and understand that I am not just being stubborn right now. Putting it all down like that helped. I hope it gave you a little insight into your sitch as well.
So I will continue to post to you and the others and play but there won't be much about me for a while. Unless it is total frustration. I'm getting to where I need to be. To where I can really know what I need to do. Not out of anger, fear, a broken heart, or anything else overly emotional. Just acceptance. Funny for MLC, that is the final stage, who knew it would be for the spouse too.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
Hey K- It was good to read it all, makes me appreciate you even more! I am pretty sure it is MLC, just from all the the things I have read and what H has said. I don't see it as much now as I did at the beginning. It was all the I am not happy at work at home. I don't want to be responsible for everything, I don't want the material things. We don't talk about it now I guess. Not like in the beginning before I found DB and wanted to talk about everything. I have read through the stages of MLC and figure my H is still in Replay since he is still with OW. I thank you for all of your great advice! Hope you have a great day!
