Maybe I should be in piecing part 3?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

OK, everyone's waitin' for me to say it, so . . .

"Blccch."

I'm sorry, but I think you could make one of two arguments, plausibly:

1. H4U is playing it perfectly -- right down the middle -- giving his wife lots of space and patience and loving acts, all the while maintaining his own personal boundaries and calling her on her b.s. when he has to.

2. H4U is, if anything, being a little TOO pursuing.

But I don't see how you can make the case that he needs to do even MORE chasing (the bubble bath, etc.). If anything, I still think he needs to do more DISTANCING things, as those seem to be the only things his wife responds to.

I think it's getting very close to the time that SHE needs to chase HIM a little.

Puppy

[breakaway]

When this is part of our decision making, we are going to make the wrong decision.

FWIW I think the bubble bath idea might be coming on too strong. If you're willing to splurge when the time comes and she seems into it, you can always get champagne or something from ROOM SERVICE. Room service rocks. That way you haven't put yourself out there for nothing.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

OH, you're probably right, BA, but the answer was mine, not his. I'm just mustering up some righteous indignation FOR him, because I get frustrated by his wife's stubbornness and lack of concern for how he's doing with all of this.

I'd also submit that this , in the form of his "FU" e-mail, is the one thing in the past several months that's WORKED to get his wife off the dime.

Puppy

[Hope4us]

LOL Pup, I've thought your #2 a number of times recently. Ya know, I distance myself from her and she starts suggesting all kinds of things for us to do together and I get pulled back in, which I don't mind, because I LOVE being with her.

So the real question is, RIGHT NOW, what is the correct play? Is she at a point where she wants me to pursue? She seems to LIKE spending time with me and has responded to acts of kindness. I mean, she's told me "thank you" more times in the last couple weeks than she has I think in all our marriage. If I distance myself at this point, would I be reinforcing my absence from when I was traveling so much right before her A started? Would I be pushing her away when she's obviously shown me through her actions/words that she wants to get closer?

I just don't know what's the right thing right now. And really, for the next month and a half, I won't have much of an opportunity to show her any distance. Ok, the second week of Dec I have to go out of town for work for a night, but that's about it.

I guess I'll probably continue to pursue, but not over do it. I plan on getting some flowers to have delivered to our hotel room so they're there when we get there. Nothing mushy on the card or anything and definitely NOT roses, but just a nice arrangement. I figure, if I'm going to not have much of a chance to distance myself anyway, might as well play the pursuing card and see if she responds.

[Hope4us]

OH, you're probably right, BA, but the answer was mine, not his. I'm just mustering up some righteous indignation FOR him, because I get frustrated by his wife's stubbornness and lack of concern for how he's doing with all of this.

I'd also submit that this , in the form of his "FU" e-mail, is the one thing in the past several months that's WORKED to get his wife off the dime.

Puppy

You're right there Pup. But with things going well, it's kind of hard to say FU!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

LOL Pup, I've thought your #2 a number of times recently. Ya know, I distance myself from her and she starts suggesting all kinds of things for us to do together and I get pulled back in, which I don't mind, because I LOVE being with her.

So the real question is, RIGHT NOW, what is the correct play? Is she at a point where she wants me to pursue? She seems to LIKE spending time with me and has responded to acts of kindness. I mean, she's told me "thank you" more times in the last couple weeks than she has I think in all our marriage. If I distance myself at this point, would I be reinforcing my absence from when I was traveling so much right before her A started? Would I be pushing her away when she's obviously shown me through her actions/words that she wants to get closer?

A very, very, VERY tough dilemna, H4U.

Yes, of course that's what she wants. I guess what you have to figure out is, do you continue to give her what she wants, even though she's not giving you what YOU want/need right now?

I guess I'd be in favor of a "1a" approach -- keep doing what you're doing, but I'd define "what you're doing" as having included the occasional very tough stances (exposure, the "FU" e-mail, etc.) even while lovingly showing her your devotion and presence.

Puppy

[kat727]

Hey I was just trying to say that a man's idea of romance is not always the same as a woman's and if that was what he was aiming for he might try looking at it from the other side. He could always set the bath up for her and then go somewhere else, then it just becomes a kind act.

kat

[fightingirish]

hope, all good advice here... I will catch up with you on fb

[Hope4us]

I hear ya Pup. And there might be the perfect opportunity. They delivered our new mattress/box on Saturday. I told W I was going to take the water bed down and set the mattress/box on the floor since it was going to take another 7-10 weeks for the frame to be delivered. She made a comment like she didn't want to do that. It seemed she was balking at that because she was having second thoughts about moving back into bed. Maybe not, maybe she just really doesn't want to put the bed on the floor and wants to make a grand production out of the new bed, but I'm going to set the mattress/box on the floor Thanksgiving weekend. Won't really have time to tear down the water bed before then and it'll give us this weekend away to see what happens.

If I set the mattress/box on the floor and she doesn't sleep on it with me, it'll be an opportunity to be a little firm with her again. Because before we bought the bed I point blank asked her "if we get a bed, are you going to sleep in it" and she said "yes". I then said "with me?" and she said "duh..yes, with you".

Ok, confidence soaring! Thanks everyone.

[Hope4us]

Hey I was just trying to say that a man's idea of romance is not always the same as a woman's and if that was what he was aiming for he might try looking at it from the other side. He could always set the bath up for her and then go somewhere else, then it just becomes a kind act.

kat

Thanks Kat, I appreciate your thoughts. I HAVE thought of something romantic with the jacuzzi/fireplace, but I think if I set something up like that, she'll feel it's too pursuing and PLANNED which is something that right now I don't think she's ready for.

But......There is a candle shop in Gatlinburg that we always get candles from when we're there. The two guys who run the thing are totally gay (not that there's anything wrong with that!) and we can never remember the name of the store so we just call it "that gay candle shop". We're hitting that crafts area up the first day we're there, so if the opportunity strikes, we'll have candles in the room anyway so it's almost like I can plan it without planning it, if that makes sense.