Amazing what a good meal & talk with friend will do for clearing your mind!
W lacks the internal motivation to change, stop the A or work on M - doesn't care at this point. So giving w some sort of ultimatum via tough love is not going to result in her developing motivation to change - will result in pushing her away - probably for good. Need to reconnect with her and the only way to do that is to keep doing what I have been with DB. Only reason OM is around is because of the emotional connect w has made with him - the one that our m lacked.
I am going to just do what has been working up to this point. I have to stop with getting my hopes up when things appear to be headed in the right direction. I have to control my emotions when they start in the wrong direction. I have to drop all expectations about things working out - convincing myself that D is going to happen appears to have removed most of my heartache. Just need to keep that frame of mind all the time & let things just work themselves out - cannot control the future, just myself in the present.
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
Well I did everything wrong today but don't really care at this point. W went away for weekend, was expecting her to be by to pick up kids in morning, shows up at 2:30. I just say hi & try to get kids to get their shoes. W asks what is wrong - I say nothing is the matter. W says seems you want to say something. I say there are a million things I want to say but I'd rather just say nothing.
Ended up having a 1 hr discussion about the R. Went over the past 2 weeks, how expectations I read into, how she now doesn't now what to do with me since can't seem to get it through to me that we are done, she isn't coming back, these talks just put pressure on her & she feels bad since she sees that I am hurting.
Just told her that I think it would be easier to just meet someone new who didn't have to deal with me & my past behavior than try to get you to see me in a new light. Don't feel you will ever give me or us a 2nd chance. Just have come to the realization that we are done & I need to just move on with my life. Would like to be friends but won't be doing any gift buying, note writing or anything else since that is what I would do for my w. W felt that all those things were done out of friendship. Told w that this will be the last conversation I ever have about our R or our M. W said she went away for weekend, came back all relaxed & now felt like crap. Said I was sorry & she left.
Called w hour later to ask if she was keeping kids overnight or not. W said she just had an issue at her grandparents & doesn't really have anywhere to keep kids overnight. I said I was sorry for ruining her weekend. W said that everyone is out to do that to her. Asked her to listen - that I was trying to apologize for my actions. W says ok - thanks for that.
Ask her if she wants to talk about what happened. W says S4 would not get out of the car, then finally did & just sat in entry way to house crying, grandfather gave his 2 cents over what to do (must have led to some confrontation). Now w was at bank & D2 was sleeping - very frustrated. Then w starts on a rant - Complains how she doesn't have money to get her own place, people ask her how come she doesn't take me to court to get money out of me - she says that having both of us live in apartments isn't good for kids, how she is sacrificing for the kids in that manner, has a job only working 2 days a week, can't afford to take kids anywhere, I have a great paying job & can afford everything.
I just tell her I understand her frustrations. W says she doesn't want my sympathy 3 times during rant. I finally tell her I am not giving her any advice, sympathy or solutions - just listening to her. Said I wish there was more I could do to help. Say bye & hang up.
Feeling done at this point - done with loving someone who just rejects you. Really feel that life for me will get better without her in it. Focusing on myself & just moving on.
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
Well I did everything wrong today but don't really care at this point. W went away for weekend, was expecting her to be by to pick up kids in morning, shows up at 2:30. I just say hi & try to get kids to get their shoes. W asks what is wrong - I say nothing is the matter. W says seems you want to say something. I say there are a million things I want to say but I'd rather just say nothing.
You need to stop looking like you want to talk. She can read you like a book. you did not keep your PMA and she knew something was bothering you and that lead to:
Originally Posted By: Kakatal
Ended up having a 1 hr discussion about the R. Went over the past 2 weeks, how expectations I read into, how she now doesn't now what to do with me since can't seem to get it through to me that we are done, she isn't coming back, these talks just put pressure on her & she feels bad since she sees that I am hurting.
Just told her that I think it would be easier to just meet someone new who didn't have to deal with me & my past behavior than try to get you to see me in a new light. Don't feel you will ever give me or us a 2nd chance. Just have come to the realization that we are done & I need to just move on with my life. Would like to be friends but won't be doing any gift buying, note writing or anything else since that is what I would do for my w. W felt that all those things were done out of friendship. Told w that this will be the last conversation I ever have about our R or our M. W said she went away for weekend, came back all relaxed & now felt like crap. Said I was sorry & she left.
Now you are in over your head. You know that this will get you nowhere at this point in the R yet you let yourself get dragged into it. You sound needy, clingy and not at all like the strong independent person you should be. The person she wants. You need to keep your mouth shut and give her an excuse any excuse as to why you are acting that way. Come on K your can do this. Stop shoting yourself in the foot. Now she has transfered her guilt to you and you:
Originally Posted By: Kakatal
Called w hour later to ask if she was keeping kids overnight or not. W said she just had an issue at her grandparents & doesn't really have anywhere to keep kids overnight. I said I was sorry for ruining her weekend. W said that everyone is out to do that to her. Asked her to listen - that I was trying to apologize for my actions. W says ok - thanks for that.
Ask her if she wants to talk about what happened. W says S4 would not get out of the car, then finally did & just sat in entry way to house crying, grandfather gave his 2 cents over what to do (must have led to some confrontation). Now w was at bank & D2 was sleeping - very frustrated. Then w starts on a rant - Complains how she doesn't have money to get her own place, people ask her how come she doesn't take me to court to get money out of me - she says that having both of us live in apartments isn't good for kids, how she is sacrificing for the kids in that manner, has a job only working 2 days a week, can't afford to take kids anywhere, I have a great paying job & can afford everything.
I just tell her I understand her frustrations. W says she doesn't want my sympathy 3 times during rant. I finally tell her I am not giving her any advice, sympathy or solutions - just listening to her. Said I wish there was more I could do to help. Say bye & hang up.
Get drawn into it again. This time you did it by calling. See where all this started. A simple attitude ajustment at the begining and ALL this would have been avoided. You know when you are going to see her. Prepare for it like anything else in your life. Get your frustrations out before she gets there. Put on your best clothes and colone and have a huge smile and a PMA going when she gets there.
Remember she is just as FU in her head as you are right now. She is hurt, confused and does not know what to do. Everybody is hounding her and you keep adding to it. Think of how things were going last week when you were doing your own thing. Expecting nothing and working on yourself. This all started when you started to read into things and expect stuff from your W.
Get back to that. Stop worring about her and what she wants and what she is thinking or doing. Take care of you and those kids and let all this other BS go. It does neither of you any good. Patience and Time.
Originally Posted By: Kakatal
Feeling done at this point - done with loving someone who just rejects you. Really feel that life for me will get better without her in it. Focusing on myself & just moving on.
This is up to you but you knew this was not going to be either easy or painless. Take a deep breath and take a couple of days to get yourself centered again and look at your sitch with unemotional eyes before doing something rash. Remember you will have this woman in your life for the rest of your life so either way you will need to learn how to get along with her.
{{{Kak}}}} Distressed is so right, tho it's so hard to put into practice when we let our emotions lead us..hang in there and today is a new day
Tawnya
This is where detachment come into play. You are letting your W control your feelings, your moods and your life. You need to take the emotions out of your expectations, out of your interactions with her and most importantly out of your talks with her.
Do you really want to give someone else that much power over you?
She sure as he11 does not want it and I don't belive you want her to have it but you keep serving it up to her on a silver platter. So stop doing it and take back the power over your life. Become the man your were meant to be, the man your kids will look up to, the man people can rely on. Its hard yes but act like this is a NIKE commercial and "JUST DO IT."
I'm having a better day now. Two 2x4 beating before 10:00am. Gotta love it!
Get yourself straightend out and have a great week. Tell yourself its going to be a great week. Then make this a great week. Positive thinking from here on out. No more backslide, no more R talk and no more allowing people to control you life.
{{{Kak}}}} Distressed is so right, tho it's so hard to put into practice when we let our emotions lead us..hang in there and today is a new day
Tawnya
This is where detachment come into play. You are letting your W control your feelings, your moods and your life. You need to take the emotions out of your expectations, out of your interactions with her and most importantly out of your talks with her.
Do you really want to give someone else that much power over you?
First off I knew you would beat me up good so thanks!
No, I don't want anyone to have any control over my emotions but myself. I am just tired of hurting, tired of trying to answer my S4's questions as to why mom doesn't love me anymore, why she doesn't want to live with us, etc. It is so damn hard to suppress your own emotions & pretend all is well when your heart is getting torn asunder. Felt that w was just using me to make herself feel good & played me like a fool claiming she wasn't leading me on. When in reality I fooled myself & then took those frustrations out on her.
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
She sure as he11 does not want it and I don't believe you want her to have it but you keep serving it up to her on a silver platter. So stop doing it and take back the power over your life. Become the man your were meant to be, the man your kids will look up to, the man people can rely on. Its hard yes but act like this is a NIKE commercial and "JUST DO IT."
To be honest I feel a whole hell of a lot better today. I really feel that things are done, that w will not be able to change herself in order to accept me for who I am now. D is inevitable as my SIL so eloquently put it. Sad but I feel ready for it. Tired of the pain. My frame of mind now makes detachment much easier. I had told w this yesterday as well - that I do not think she will ever give us a 2nd chance and that I just need to accept it & move on. Told her I will never again bring up the R or M - done with talking about it. I just do not see the need to ever again talk about it. Looking forward to March & being free.
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
I'm having a better day now. Two 2x4 beating before 10:00am. Gotta love it!
Always love when my misery can bring joy to someone else's day
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Get yourself straightened out and have a great week. Tell yourself its going to be a great week. Then make this a great week. Positive thinking from here on out. No more backslide, no more R talk and no more allowing people to control you life.
Tim
This is where I am headed. Expect the D - that is the only expectation I need to keep running through my head.
W came by this morning to pick up kids. Had made her coffee. Asked her to bring leftovers from garage sale to goodwill. Discussed what to do with kids tonight since she has to work. Was pleasant toward her - no sourpuss on face, just the same approach as in prior weeks. W asked if there was anything she wanted me to do at house today. I just changed subject since I don't want anything from her.
Started working on myself again - going to paint my bedroom Sat with D9, mounted my pull up bar & going to give the P90x fitness program my best effort in order to get my PMA to a level it's never been! Watched an infomercial about it & my brother has done it before so figured I'd give myself 90 days to see what results I get. Taking kids to San Diego Zoo Sunday, Disneyland Dec 3. Just going to get back to living for today with my kids.
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
{{{Kak}}}} Distressed is so right, tho it's so hard to put into practice when we let our emotions lead us..hang in there and today is a new day
Tawnya
I realize this - of course after the fact with those wonderful hindsight glasses I keep using far too often! Let frustration of w being "late" in my eyes to pick up kids & not allow me to do what I wanted to do (paint my room) build as day went on until she showed up. Then popped my top & let it all out. Part of my past behavior that is difficult to change but being aware of it is the start of changing it, just need to try harder next time to choose to just let it go.
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
Tim..actually..you are 2 x 4'ing me at the same time..LOL.so technically you got 4 of em in
I love it two for the price of one. Just change the she's to he's and your all set.
Originally Posted By: Tawnya
You are a good pep talker..
Tawnya
I learned from the best. He has moved on to Surviving but I picked many splinters out of my head over the months from him. He stops by once and a while to see how I'm doing and keep me in line.
I believe that if people would just realize that detachig does not mean to stop caring about other people. And that we alone are responsible for our happiness, thoughts, actions, feelings and emotions that more M would last.
Over the years I gave my W way too much power over me and how I was feeling and what I was doing. I relyed on her to make me happy and to meet all my needs. It wore her down. It took a toll on our M/R and it made me angrier and angrier because I felt it was all her fault and not mine.
So DB has nothing to do with saving your M. You must save yourself first. Find how to make yourself happy and to meet most of your needs. Learn to control that which you can control, yourself, and leave the rest alone. Once you accomplish that, then and only then can you truelly find happiness with another person.
Skip this step, take the easy path and you will only cause yourself more heartache in the future. That is why A and second M don't work. The other person has change but you are still the same unenlightened person you were before and are doomed to fail again.
Your here like K is so I belive you are working on yourself. That is all you can do and in the end no matter what happens you will be alot better off.
Take care, and I hope I did not sound too preachy.
I am just tired of hurting, tired of trying to answer my S4's questions as to why mom doesn't love me anymore, why she doesn't want to live with us, etc. It is so damn hard to suppress your own emotions & pretend all is well when your heart is getting torn asunder. Felt that w was just using me to make herself feel good & played me like a fool claiming she wasn't leading me on. When in reality I fooled myself & then took those frustrations out on her.
I understand completely. I wrote a long post on another thread about the affect of D on me when I was a kid. It sucks, it hurts and he is only 4. He has a harder time with his emotions than you do. You are his rock and you must stay strong for him. Don't go into detail. Do not tell him the true reason and make sure that both of them know that you lve them and it is not their fault.
Originally Posted By: Kakatal
Just going to get back to living for today with my kids.
And that Kevin is all you can do and all that you should be doing for quite a while. Live for today, live for them and most importantly live for you.
Your W is not your responsiblity. Be civil to her and treat her with respect but that is it. Its just business from here on out. Kids and finances, nothing more, nothing less.
Just change the she's to he's and your all set.