peace2u - I'm going to tell you what I see here. You may not like it. I am not like the others here. I am not going to say "awwww, poor baby." This is a different perspective.
I've been thinking about splitting for a very long time, but never told him - for fear of his reaction due to his twisted way of thinking. Boy this sounds emotionally distant and cold. First you're considering ending a marriage. Then you refuse to discuss it, and you blame your decision on him, on his "Twisted way of thinking?" Are you saying, that if he didn't like the idea of ending the marriage, that would be "twisted?" Where I come from, valuing marriage is normal. Maybe not what you intended, but .. read what you wrote. Read it. You sound angry. There is something else in you that allowed you to consider ending the marriage, and NEVER DISCUSS IT with him. ??? Are you afraid of intimacy and honesty?
Married: 14 yrs. - Together for 24!!! ugh. This is from your signature. Why. Why the negativity? Are you just showing us all your badge of pain? Are you just trying to show us all how much you hurt? I get that you hurt. Anyone who is here is hurting. But do you need to blame him for everything? "ugh" ?? It's rewriting your entire history because of how you feel now. Before you react, think about it. With 2 kids, was it really 24 years of "ugh"? What did YOU DO about it?
I hope in all this crap, I learn what I'm supposed to be learning. I miss smiling and having a great time without having a 20 pound weight of doom around my shoulders. I hope you can learn that marriage is not a war and your husband is not your enemy. I hope you learn that you can decide to have happy feelings whether he is with you or not.
this blubbering idiot, smothering stuff, is sincerely driving me nuts. So I am to understand that your husband is distressed about the prospect of ending the marriage, and you have zero compassion for him? None? He is "an idiot"? You don't come off as sounding very nice.
H was at a friends house a couple miles away during the evening and decided not to come home. No phone call, no help with the kids, nothing...on New Year's Eve.
I remember the distinct thought in my head. WELL, I'M ALONE. I'M COMPLETELY ALONE. That's when I let go. All my dependence on him was out the door - never to return. So this is your M.O., then? Have a feeling, refuse to discuss it, bury it, and then nurture the hurt for a couple years before it is time to "spring it" on him and tell him the marriage is over. Ok, we get it.
did you consider maybe talking to him that night and saying "you know, I felt alone when you didn't call." No. You were hurt and then didn't talk about it. you made up your mind then and there that it was his fault. That he should know how you feel, whether you tell him or not. That he should read your mind. And when he failed to read your mind, and you failed to tell him, it was his fault, so you are perfectly justified in walking away from the marriage, much later.
I see how you roll.
Smells like fear of intimacy on your part.
[son] asked me a couple weeks ago why I said "I do"? and i said honey - i have no idea, but thank GOD I got you out of the deal. You have erased all fond memories of your husband, it seems. You don't see it but you are destroying your kids, too. You are bathing them in disdain and enmity for your husband. They see it. They are soaking it in. This is what you want for your kids?
In all of our fighting, I have come to the conclusion that true love is extremely rare. Marriage is entered into too lightly. I want no part of it, it has shoved me halfway out the door. This is a very immature, childish view. Sorry, but you are sounding like a spoiled child. True love like what you see in Hollywood is extremely rare, a fiction. True love on main street exists, and is common. It is the out-of-work husband who rubs his wife's feet at the end of the night after she worked all day at the grocery store. It is the woman who washes the soiled laundry of her husband every day. It is the people who bend their plans to accommodate the other person's social schedule, knowing that is how they would like to be treated. It is in the daily forgiveness that spouses show each other for large injuries and small.
Love has not shoved you out the door, as you said. You are walking out the door, of your own volition. You have the power to turn around and find love. Will you? It takes courage.
the H is home all weekend....uuuuugggghhh Peace, the cynicism in your voice is saddening.
Tell me, what are you doing here? Why are you here?
If you want to work on your marriage, I have some suggestions.
watch your language. Stop referring to your husband in terms like idiot and blubbering. Immediately ban the word "ugh" when referring to the time you spent in the past with your husband. or the future. Immediately.
meditate. Start meditating on love, to re-create the feeling of goodwill in your heart. It is plain that there is none now. If you want to be married, you need to recreate it. Start now. Find books by Thich Nhat Hanh. "True Love" is good.
Control your cynicism. Do it now. Stop playing that chord. We know you're good at it. Stop now. It will not help you, not in this relationship, or any future one.
share responsibility. Stop blaming him for everything. Yes, I'm sure he wasn't perfect. Were you? Take your share and get down to work.
Open to him. You say he is smothering but I haven't seen a single detail as to what that means. It is how you feel, I get it. From what I can tell, when he says "I want to work on this marriage" you feel "smothered." Maybe it is even worse! Maybe it is he wants to spend time with you - and that is smothering. Can you find a way to open to him? Is it possible that when you say he is smothering you, the actual truth is that you are avoiding him? You are running from the marriage?
Consider Retrouvaille. You don't need a book. You need intensive care. It will help you to listen to and talk with your husband. Don't roll your eyes.
