Still Learning

[lovehimso]

Dear Beth,

I's so sorry that you had such a low last night, and I'm sorry that I wasn't online to be there for you.

See, Loveshimso, I am not so strong.

Yes you are. I don't think of strength as not having feelings. To me, strength is doing what needs to be done, even if it doesn't feel right, or you don't feel like doing it.

And that is what you have done. You held all those emotions in during your meeting with your H. You pulled off the "as if".

I have not been strong enough to fully do that yet. I KNOW how much I am holding back, but all H sees are the moments I lose it. I know what I have to do to fix that, and that is detach and not see H as much. I need to get busy, GAL, and set some boundaries, but I have not been successful.

I have never loved another human being like I love him and I just don't know what to do with all of that love while I have to sit there and pretend that I am okay with his choice to be apart.

Beth, I completely understand this. That is what makes all of this so hard, our overwhelming love for our H and the pain we have to endure waiting and watching them struggle to decide if they love us in return.

It feels so awful to sit there while he kept his guard up and looking at his finger without his ring. I know I am probably making a bigger deal out of this than I should

It is a big deal because this is your H, the man you love. But we shouldn't dwell on these things or try to figure out what they mean, because that's a losing battle. But it DOES hurt, and that's why you need to cry. It's okay, come here and vent. I think you know that we understand. No one is going to judge you. I think this is a normal reaction, and I think it's better to go ahead and allow yourself to experience the emotion and not bottle it up or stuff it. You just need to know WHEN to let it out, and you did it the right way.

You are not a nut. You need to cry. It's okay. You should. You love your H and you miss him. I can't even understand the pain you're going through missing him. I miss my H when he's not around, and he's around a LOT. So, I can't even imagine what YOU are going through. It's hard. This is not an easy time for any of us. Some days you cry, and some days are better. There will be better days ahead. So for today, cry if you must, and don't feel bad about it.

Today is a new day. That's what I keep telling myself. Another day to pick myself up and start again. Do one thing better today than I did yesterday. Babysteps.

Hope you have a good day, Beth!