{{{{Beth}}}} thanks for joining me in the big can of planters (LOL love that cot)...NO one can expect to get thru this without crying buckets (well somehow I Think we expect it of ourselves..but it's not realistic)..
I'm glad you are doing ok and even tho you felt like a fraud, your hub probably saw someone strong and ok even without him being there. I know what you mean about wanting to just grab your hub and shake him..I've wanted to do it..wouldn't do a bit of good..LOL..
I hope your day today is better my friend..what cool crazy GAL stuff do you have planned this week?
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
I just started reading your threads and I must say I am very impressed with your progress.
I have a question from one attorney's wife to another...how much do you think the profession is involved with their distance? I know that a lot of people go through this kind of thing, but I've been wondering about how my H's profession has affected his personality in the long run.
I believe I am at fault for not paying more attention and noticing things sooner, but if I had been paying attention, I think I would have noticed that my H began treating people in his personal life like people in his professional life. He has become almost "strategic" with friends, family, and spouse. Not letting anyone get too close or letting them know what is really going on inside. Because if people got a whiff of the truth, he would lose his advantage and thus lose the "case". He's so closed off. There is no insight into the soft, gooey center that is H anymore.
Maybe it has nothing to do with it...
And there are the long work hours.
Married - 19 years Noticed Problem - Aug 2008 THE Conversation - Oct 2008
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
Thanks again! I will stay aware of the ups and downs, trying to remember that with focus on me and improving myself will keep me on an upward trend no matter what.
Knowing this and feeling it are two different things. Feeling it is the real hard work.
I's so sorry that you had such a low last night, and I'm sorry that I wasn't online to be there for you.
Quote:
See, Loveshimso, I am not so strong.
Yes you are. I don't think of strength as not having feelings. To me, strength is doing what needs to be done, even if it doesn't feel right, or you don't feel like doing it.
And that is what you have done. You held all those emotions in during your meeting with your H. You pulled off the "as if".
I have not been strong enough to fully do that yet. I KNOW how much I am holding back, but all H sees are the moments I lose it. I know what I have to do to fix that, and that is detach and not see H as much. I need to get busy, GAL, and set some boundaries, but I have not been successful.
Quote:
I have never loved another human being like I love him and I just don't know what to do with all of that love while I have to sit there and pretend that I am okay with his choice to be apart.
Beth, I completely understand this. That is what makes all of this so hard, our overwhelming love for our H and the pain we have to endure waiting and watching them struggle to decide if they love us in return.
Quote:
It feels so awful to sit there while he kept his guard up and looking at his finger without his ring. I know I am probably making a bigger deal out of this than I should
It is a big deal because this is your H, the man you love. But we shouldn't dwell on these things or try to figure out what they mean, because that's a losing battle. But it DOES hurt, and that's why you need to cry. It's okay, come here and vent. I think you know that we understand. No one is going to judge you. I think this is a normal reaction, and I think it's better to go ahead and allow yourself to experience the emotion and not bottle it up or stuff it. You just need to know WHEN to let it out, and you did it the right way.
You are not a nut. You need to cry. It's okay. You should. You love your H and you miss him. I can't even understand the pain you're going through missing him. I miss my H when he's not around, and he's around a LOT. So, I can't even imagine what YOU are going through. It's hard. This is not an easy time for any of us. Some days you cry, and some days are better. There will be better days ahead. So for today, cry if you must, and don't feel bad about it.
Today is a new day. That's what I keep telling myself. Another day to pick myself up and start again. Do one thing better today than I did yesterday. Babysteps.
Hope you have a good day, Beth!
Me: 38 H: 41 M: 12 D12, S10 H began EA: 7/08 H moved out: 9/30/08 Bomb (sleeping with OW): 10/23/08
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1638048&page=2#Post1638048
Thank you for the compliment but I owe a lot to the people here.
I am an attorney and an attorney's wife and I think the profession can have a lot to do with these sorts of crises. My H has only ever worked for very large, international firms. He has an annual billing requirement of 2200, but the actual number he works is a lot higher when considering that one does not bill every minute worked (not all time is billable),that one in a job like H's has to publish and speak. And then there is the need to succeed and outdo the guys he cannot stand. He billed 270 hours the month he left me. He tells me he now works 70 hours per week.
Years and years ago, as a young attorney, H interviewed for a job in a large NY firm. When I asked him why he did not take the job he said it was looking at the partner who interviewed him and seeing that the guy was tense, aggressive, unhappy and had a gray pallor that made it look like he did nothing but work. Cut to yesterday's lunch with my H and that is precisely who sat across the table from me. But he does not see it at all. (And I am not currently in a phase of DBing where I would point it out to him). He would not believe me or agree anyway.
My H also "manages" me, friends, family. After so many years, I think they start to see the world through lawyer glasses. This has happened to me a bit, but to a much lesser degree because my job is soooo laid back by comparison.
I agree that mine has also shut me out. It's harder for me to tell whether he is doing this w/ friends and family b/c he has moved out. I suspect he has. I think he has his parents snowed that he is fine and happy. I am just not sure how his mother, a nurse, could miss the obvious physical change in him. Maybe she has seen it, but since she is not calling me I don't know.
Where is your thread so I can come read about your situation?
Thanks for all of the wonderful support you offer me. I am okay today and looking forward not back, as Techguy wisely advised. I pulled off a good meeting and now am looking back to me to figure out how I can keep getting better.
As you mentioned, I just needed a good cry to let out all the emotions.
As for the ring, while I cannot know for certain, my gut tells me it was a test. At our last face-to-face meeting, I told H that I would like for us to hang out as friends and not talk about the R (this was pre-DBing but somehow, I got that part right). He said he did not think I could do it, given that he knows I want to reconcile. The indent in his finger was really deep, so I think he had only recently removed it. He saw me notice it missing. I think he wanted to see if I could keep my word.
You see, that has been an issue in the past. I would assure him I was over something or could change something, but then I would revert back to old behavior. He said as much at that meeting. He said, "Well I will take you at your word, but I have done that in the past and it has not worked out."
This is why I think he was testing me. I cannot be sure, of course, but if it was a test, at least I did not take the bait. I never said a word about it.
Back to looking forward. I have to get to work on plans for the weekend to ward off the FRI/SAT evening blues...
So, I decided to email H this morning to thank him for the meeting. I wrote: "Hi H, it was good to see you yesterday. Thank you for the invitation to lunch. Beth"
H's reply, "You are welcome. Do you know the name and number of our dentist? "
So does this mean it was not good seeing me? Does this mean I pushed it too much? ARGGG!
I know, I know, no expectations. H was not going to say it back even if he felt it, right?
Something else that bothers me - this is the second time we have had an email exchange (I responded regarding the dentist saying I would look at home tonight for the info, he responds, okay, did not really know where to start. I respond that we found it before, we'll find it again then nothing from him. He did this the last time, too. At the end of the exchange, where there is an opportunity to hit reply and say thanks, he does not do it.
I am not trying to read his mind. Rather, I am trying to "investigate" like Michele recommends in the book, to see if there is something to be gleened from his behavior. Or am I putting too much into something to insignificant? It's just that it is a 180 for him from our past. He would always have replied to me with at least a thanks.
then nothing from him. He did this the last time, too. At the end of the exchange, where there is an opportunity to hit reply and say thanks, he does not do it.