any experience with this?

[still hopeful]

Hello rop,

Sorry to meet you here and sorry to hear about your challenges with your XW and her decisions. Some back ground on me. I also live in CA. My D was final in July '07. We have 2 children D8 and S3. We separated in Feb 2006, so it's been quite a while now.

I have had similar challenges with XW, stemming from her wonderful string of choices for new men in her life. She just finished with new BF (Flavor of the Month) #4. My challenge has been from day ONE that she believes that our children need to be introduced with each brand new FotM almost immediately.

I have 'spent time with' (I make it clear from the start that I am not in a space to DATE anyone) 3 women since XW and I split. All three of these women have met my children, but they are introduced as friends and are expected to behave like friends with me in front of my children (& their children). Too be quite honest, my children are rarely around any of these women by my choice. I spend enough time away from my children when they are with their mother to spend adult with whomever I choose.

I have certainly had your feelings crop up whenever the new FotM came into her life, but I have several good friends who remind me that she is an adult, she has joint custody with me of our children, and despite my not liking her choices, I DO NOT OWN her, I CANNOT control her behavior, and she is NOT doing anything ILLEGAL. Their patient, but firm advice allowed me to breathe deeply while keeping a close eye on the 'happenings' and listening closely to D8.

My suggestion is to check out your divorce decree and determine if there is any restriction on who your children may be with when she is AND is NOT present. Probably not, but it'll settle your mind, at least. Consult a lawyer if you wish, but the family court has a help desk/window staffed by people to answer your questions or direct you in the right direction to satisfy you mind.

QUESTIONS:
1. Is the problem THIS OM, or any OM?
2. Does something about this OM in particular disturb you?
3. Is XW developing a pattern with new FotMs?
4. Are you hoping to reconcile with XW?

The bottom line for me has been to keep myself safe and to NOT let her behavior lure ME into doing anything stupid so that I won't get myself in a situation where I would not be able to care for my children. And let me tell you, I have exercised superb restrain since we split in dealing with her, her male friends, and her FotMs.

Be a thorn in her side. Be stable. Be strong. Be indifferent towards her. Love your children and be with them when you are supposed to be with them. XW, her friends and family, and your children are watching EVERYTHING you do.

Be the main character, the leading man, in this brand new blockbuster, inspirational drama called, "rop Rises to the Occasion AND Takes Charge of His New Life!" Be all that you can be in this new role. Surprise everyone with your depth and range. Make yourself proud of YOU, your thoughtfulness and your decisions to act and sometimes NOT act in various situations, but always be mindful, alert and decisive, my friend. Good luck.