Well my update. It does help to let it out and express what's happening... so here goes!
H and I ML. But afterwards I didnt feel very attracted to him. So I thought I would wait to let him call me - and it took him a week to call.
Then I went to NZ for work, and didnt hear from him for another 2 weeks... And I was feeling really good about myself, and not really interested in him. Ever since he left I've been adamant that I wouldnt file for divorce. If he wants to get divorced then he should file. But lately I've actually been starting to think that I would like to have closure, and to be able to move on and close that door behind me. But I know that my emotions are so up and down, so I'm not rushing into any decisions. I've been feeling like I dont want our relationship badly enough to have the energy to reconcile a marriage.
I also want to be with someone who is my equal, not someone I need to mother. And I want to be with someone who has integrity. Maybe I dont respect H enough - maybe I should have, but lately I've been thinking that he didnt really do anything that earned my respect.
But something still tugs on my heart strings, so after more than 3 weeks of no contact, I called H, and we talked on the phone for about an hour. I think it was the deepest conversation we have had in the last couple of months. He shared about how hard he is finding it to run his own business and he sounded very down. I think I was supportive without trying to fix it - I really dont want to have to fix his mess, which is new for me! He also shared stuff about his family and seemed quite vulnerable. I think that he has some level of depression.
He invited me to dinner on Thursday night - that is nice. It does count as a date, but it would be so much sweeter if he had called me in the first place.
So I guess I'm plodding along. I'm letting go of control and not trying to guess what the future holds, and to force a decision. Either way the decision will be hard. But I think I will know what is 'right' when the time is 'right'. At the moment it feels like I need to be there for him, while holding onto myself, and just see what happens in the next few weeks.
I'm really looking forward to a break at Christmas. I think I would like to make a decision about H in the new year. I think there has to be a time when you say its been long enough, this is either too much hard work, or its worth the hard work.
