Starting a new thread as the other is likely to lock up.
I am finally feeling more comfortable with things in my R, and after nearly 2 weeks of consistency from H, am ready to believe...
Last night was seriously the best night we've had for a very long time, even pre-bomb. And after we went to bed, there was ML and not some weird waking me up ML, but we were both fully awake. We had been drinking so I'm sure his inhibitions were lowered, but he fully wrapped himself around me after and went to sleep this way. This morning has been nice too, and I am on my way into town where he's asked me to buy some painting supplies for "us". He's also referred to plans next weekend. He is completely ignoring the fact that I am supposed to housesit for my friend for 3 weeks starting next week. I will have to bring this up soon...
So even though, and maybe because, we have had no R talks, things are progressing...he now smiles when I talk, laughs at jokes I make, and asks my opinions on things. He says thank you when I do things for him and is always showing me things on his computer, sites he's found, movie trailers etc.
Honestly now I can breathe and let him take up some of the work. Really, for the 1st time in ages, I feel that there is real hope.
ITH
PS no worries as I am also GAL-am meeting a friend in town for lunch today-forcing myself to still be active with others even though I want to snuggle with H all day
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Things are certainly looking great for you right now ITH!! I am so happy the way things are turning out and proud of you for remembering to keep up with the GAL and other DB methods.
I have to keep believing in the actions rather than the words. Well there really haven't been any words...although this morning H mentioned something about putting up the paintings I'd been doing at my friend's house so that they would be all over when she gets back. I felt devastated that he even mentioned my friend's house, and in a roundabout way me being there, but it didn't go beyond that weird passing comment. At the same time part of me wishes he would just ask about it. I would like to know some of what he's thinking at this point, but I am going to wait for him to lead on this.
Yesterday was another nice and fairly normal day. I went to town, did some errands, and had lunch with a friend. I got back pretty late, and when I was on the train got a text from H asking when his video game was coming home. I had agreed to pick up a video game for him. I thought this was pretty cute as I'm sure that he just wanted to know when I was coming home...
When I got home, we hung out only a very little bit as he wanted to play his new game. I made dinner, and we watched a show. There was no real physical affection, though he did rub my stomach once, and grab my behind...no ML though. Today he wants us to work on the yard, and we've done a bit of cleaning around the house. We're going to the pet store, and maybe the grocery store later. I guess that will be interesting to see whether we do shopping for the week together or how he acts when we are there.
I'm trying not to notice every little thing he says so much anymore. This morning I felt like he was a little distant again, and I almost panicked. If things are going to work out though, I know that I am going to need to ride through these situations and realize not everything is related to the M. Even if things are now sort of flatlining, they are a whole lot better than they have been for the last 4 months, and I am incredibly grateful for this...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
New normal is good... It sounds like there is reduced tension between you and both of you are getting used to having eachother around again. It is hard to be around them again because it seems like we want to make every second count (because we are so sure it may be our last...) In reality we need to just calm down and re-learn how to do normal life again. The new normal...
I am so happy for you that things have moved forward. This is such a huge change from a month ago! Even though you are going to housesit, I don't think that it should hurt your sitch too much at this point. Will you be close enough to visit?
Hope the rest of your weekend is positive.
Me-36 H-30 T-7yr, M-3yr DivorceBusting Saved my marriage! sep 6-08 to 12-08. Together again, things are good!
There is definitely reduced tension. There is the elephant in the room of course, i.e. the R talk that hasn't happened, but in general things seem REALLY comfortable. Tonight H talked about buying some tool chest to put "our paint" in next weekend. This is as far out as future talk goes at the moment, but every week he seems to bring up the next weekend and things we are doing together, so this seems positive.
In terms of the housesitting, it's not really close, but even on the night where H kept threatening the D, he said that while I was housesitting I should stay weekends and some weekdays. My thought on this is that I would like to stay at the friend's house only 2-3 nights per week. Thing is I think we are making such progress being in the same house. As you said, what a difference from a month ago...
If he would actually talk about things, then it might be easier. For example, my ideal scenario would be that I stay there 2-3 nights mid-week, and on one of those days we go to MC. That way after the housesitting, assuming I just move back in, we'll have been able to talk about things in advance. This is all still confusing though. He has never answered me about MC. I think if I pushed, he would do it, but I want him to want it too...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I know what you mean about the elephant in the room!! I don't like the elephant!
Our bombs dates were really close.
When was the last time you guys discussed R?
We last talked about it on Aug 18th when we went to one counseling session at which we determined that he needs to make a decision on whether he wants to work on our M. He said he was 50-50 at that time.
Just try and be patient, don't rush things.....Everything will happen in time! It sound so positive for you!
M:36 H:36 M 3 Y T 8 Y No kids Bomb 6/30/08 PA I filed 9/29/09 D final 1/22/2010
Looks like we have a lot of similarities in terms of bomb date, age, time together etc...
The last time we talked about R was just over 2 weeks ago and it was HORRIBLE. Basically H said he couldn't do it anymore and didn't want to be married to me, and a bunch of other things that I do not want to remember, then left on a business trip the next morning. I sent him an email saying if he wanted to move out, I wouldn't stop him, and that I loved him no matter what. I really thought he would move out though I didn't think it was over. Then he became nicer and suddenly everything changed. He came back, and we have been in the house together for over a week so far, but nothing has been said. I would be fine with this for another month or so if staying at my friend's house weren't still in the picture...This is what hasn't been discussed. At this point I don't think H wants me to go, but I am fairly certain that he won't tell me this. I don't want to go either, but at the same time I can't just not go at all as I don't think a de facto reconciliation is the right kind of reconciliation here, but I am still pondering this. I am trying to figure out the best thing to do about this situation, and I've given myself a deadline of tomorrow...
Like others have said, the stages are sort of fluid. Stage 1 is the worst, and I am wagering the point at which most couples end up making the D decision as it seems like most interactions are full of spew and negativity. I think in my sitch we are finally firmly entrenched in stage 2, no going back due to no negativity for over 2 weeks.
I'm going to check out your sitch now. Thanks for posting :).
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Yesterday was a nice, relaxing day. We went to the pet store together, then I did the grocery shopping on my own.
I made a really elaborate dinner that took me a few hours to prepare. I love cooking, so this was fun for me.
H did his homework, and played video games. This felt really comfortable and normal. Afterwards, we watched a movie together, and sat by each other on the couch. He was leaning in towards me, so we were sitting with our arms touching.
No ML again last night, but I am fine with this. At this point I would take affection over ML. He laid next to me with our arms and legs touching. I am starting to feel less tense about the situation, and maybe he is too as we both seem to be sleeping better these days.
It really feels like we are getting closer every day. In terms of going to my friend's house to GAL, this is why I haven't left yet. We've made more progress in the last week together than in the last 4 months (or so it seems). This is how I'm able to demonstrate my 180s, and how he can see that the M dynamic is different than it used to be. I am trying to do GAL activities without going away for the night. I think I've done a pretty good job of this so far...
Anyway, H is at school tonight until 11, so I'll definitely have some time to do my own thing. What I really need to do now is focus on work again and make a resolution to spend less time on the boards!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
No real updates from today. I am slowly but surely easing my way back into being productive at work again, which is a very good thing.
Today I had to leave early though as the repairman was(finally) coming to fix our boiler. He's here now and H and I have been emailing back and forth about the boiler, which somehow is really comforting to me. I have to admit though when I saw the subject line of H's first email, it was "hey", and this is the subject he used for all of his scary emotional emails. I guess I am not completely calm yet, as I felt panicked and sick to my stomach when I saw this. Then when I saw the only issue was the boiler, I felt silly but this reminds me that even if things are on the path to being mended, there is actually so much pain there still that I am going to need to work through, in all likelihood without H's help for a long while...
Other than that H and I did joke around a lot this morning before I left, and it was really comfortable. Every day I had been preparing myself for the worst, because I have been through the emotional wringer as we all have...I think I am very slowly starting to expect normalcy when I am with H, and this is helping me in every aspect of my life. Of course it does mean that if there is a major backslide, I will be more hurt, but I truly think 2 weeks of sustained positive behavior means that we have finally moved forward, even if it's not totally where I want to be yet.
Also remembered something from Friday night that may or may not have meant anything. H and I were sitting looking at watches online, and he really loves watches...we'd both been drinking and he said really loudly in this cute voice that he used to use "I love you", and I know this sounds weird, but I am not sure if he was talking to the watch or to me. It actually would be normal for him to say something like that to some object he really wants when he looks at it in a magazine. I caught it sort of late and so just said something lame like "of course you do", so hopefully it was directed at the watch and not me otherwise my response should have been a little more positive :).
OK off to cook now--being in my house means that I am spending loads of time cooking again, which really makes me happy...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
