Please send me good karma!!....I'm gonna need it!

[Silent Chrleader]

Well, things were tense at first this weekend. The most awkward moment was Friday night when we went to bed. I went to bed before H in the Master Bdrm, and had decided I would leave when H slept up to him without comment from me whatever he chose. He came into the room and said "We didn't discuss sleeping arrangements". And I said "No we didn't." I then told him it was up to him, but he asked what I wanted, and I turned it back to him and asked what he wanted. Then we sat there for what seemed like an eternity, and he said nothing. So, I finally said "Oh, for Pete's sake, just come to bed." So, he did, but it was tense and we didn't touch at all.

I got up on Saturday feeling depressed, but, then I just reminded myself that who would want to be around a depressed woman who every time he looks at her makes him feel guilty? I know H is sorry for the affair because he has said so point blank. He doesn't think we can build a new R because there is "too much water under the dam" which he has also told me point blank. I honestly don't know if I can ever "get over" the infidelity, but there will certainly never be a chance if I can't at least try to let go of my fears. How can H ever "re-kindle" feelings for woman who's on the verge of tears all the time?! So I pulled out the PMA and put it to work, and it seemed to have a positive effect. I could tell that H sighed a little breath of relief after that, and I felt better too. I still have constant thoughts of the OW, but I just kept pushing them away.

I did take a big risk and told H about my concerns about our C and his methods for MC. I was actually very open with my concerns and reasons for them (i.e. that C tells me things and then doesn't say them in front of H because "he's not ready", which does not seem very effective if H walks out the door in blissful ignorance and never comes back!). I even told H that sometimes I wondered if C just thought H was a "lost cause" who wasn't ever going to be willing to give to a relationship.) We actually had a good talk I think. I told H that I truly understood his need for space right now, and the stuggle he has with fear of returning to the painful past (i.e. our old marriage). I told him I did not want to pressure him at all and that I too sincerely did not want to go back and that I wanted to do what was right, and didn't want to look back and be sorry. That I want to move forward, and that I just want to be the best me and show him what I can really give to a relationship and I would like to see the same from him. I want to see what he wants to be able to give to/get from a relationship and see if our "new selves" could possibly build something good. And if not, then I could truly know that both he and I did our best and we could let go and sincerely wish each other well, and perhaps not have the hard feelings. H said that he thought he could be OK with that. After this talk I told him I felt a little better, and he said he did too. I then asked if I could hold his hand for a minute. This is the first time I touched him since finding out that he slept with OW, so it was a BIG step for me. My skin didn't "crawl" I'm happy to say, so I took it as a positive exercise.

Then on the way home, H turned to me and asked when S17 told C about the affair. I told him that I believed it wasn't too long after H made that drunken confession to S17, so C has known for a long time. Then, H said that might be why C thought H wasn't ready and seemed to have misgivings about H. Then H said "So maybe we shouldn't judge C too harshly." I thought that was an interesting comment. H seems to be sincerely trying to look at things clearly.........I hope.

And, finally, S17 told me tonight that H and he really talked when they were working together this weekend and H apologized several times for his behavior and for hurting S17. And S17 said he told H that he thought I was not looking for so very much from H, but that he felt that H at least owed it to me to "give it a real try" and H replied "Yes, I know." I told S17 he did not have to do that (H and I both have been really trying to keep him out of it), but he said "Well you told me I should be honest with Dad." So, I said "Well, thanks! I appreciate my son stepping up to be my white knight!" and S17 said "Well, I'm not stupid!" That is one thing I am so very grateful for.....my renewed relationship with my son! He's a challenge, as is his sister, but they are the light of my life!

Enough journaling, I'm going to bed......