Things are settling down...not sure that's good!

[TxMomw/2girls]

Amy,

thought of you all weekend.... I told my neighbor about you too... she ran the full marathon... I will run a marathon with you... let's pick one next year and I'll train for it too.

I do believe God used you to help that new friend in need.... so awesome...

[Little Engine]

GREAT JOB AMY! Fantastic for you. What an accomplishment, be proud! What a sense of empowerment you must've felt crossing the finish line? I thought about you this morning and wondered how it went. Great that you get to see The Cult. Hope you liked it! Have a safe trip back to FL!

LE

[sandi2]

WOW!!!! Congrats to you, sweetie! You must feel fantastic! I think it is so great when we see one of our friends here on the board that is really getting a life. You are "trying" Amy....and that is so important. Don't be so hard on yourself when you think you have backslid from time to time, b/c you are doing the important things. Not sitting at home an brooding over H is one of those important things!

Changing the subject a bit, but I wanted to comment on a statement that was made back a page or two ago:

But, he also wanted me to praise him for remembering to the leave the light on for me. I think his primary LL is words of affirmation. That's probably the one I was the least good at cause it matters to me the least of all!!!

Isn't that funny? I would have thought you would be great at giving words of affirmation. I know that that is my LL also but yet I am the world's worst at giving it to my H. I have read over and over how to be admired is most men's #1 need in their lives. And yet, I feel so "fake" when I try to show adirmation to my H. I suppose I don't know how. I can give him compliments, but I don't do it near enough. Maybe somebody could give us some tips.....hopefully some men will jump in here and help us. It doesn't have to be towards our H's, but toward anyone. I have talked a little about my sister and how her ex-H's had abused her. I have never seen anyone so starved for words of affirmation as she is. She will nearly kill herself to just get a pat on the back. If you don't feed her ego.....she doesn't stick around you very much and will move on to somebody else and I think it is b/c she is trying despartly to find that person that will make her feel good about herself. If only here H would just show a tiny bit of admiration for her, she would kiss his feet. She is like a little child that practically begs for somebody to tell her she did a good job at something.

My next question is this.....if your LL is words of affirmation and you never get any.....how does one get over it other than to just learn to be self confident and feel good about yourself? I don't have the need for words of affirmation from other (like my sister does), but I have the need to hear it from my H. But, if you don't get it......how does one overcome that? When a OM comes along and starts feeding a woman (or visa-versa) what they need.....then that is often how an EA begins.

Just thought I would throw something in here to think about.

BTW, Amy, our special day at church went very well yesterday. Thanks for your prayers.

Sandi

[Amy M]

Hey, guys!!! Thanks for all the support. I feel good today. I'm a little sore, but not too bad. And, I have to say that I think several of the folks in my office doubted me. So, that was pretty cool!!! They were proud of me.

Just a quick update on my M sitch...for now, I'm pretty detached! I haven't decided yet if that's okay or not. But, I can't do much about it now. I haven't seen H since he was such an A%# on Thursday of last week. I've barely spoken 5 words to him when I've called to talk to the boys.

Last night he called 30 minutes outside the agreed upon window. I answered. He apologized for calling later than normal. I said, "That's fine. They'll call you back when they are out of the bath." The best part was that I didn't even notice he was late calling until he mentioned it.

I called back and just handed phone over...at the end, S6 did bring me the phone back. H said, "So, do you have that stuff ready." It took me a few seconds to realize that he was referring to the settlement agreement. I said, "Oh. No. I'm putting that ball back in your court." He said, "Okay. I'll get that done." I just said, "Okay." And, I meant it!!!

So, after all that, today, I've gotten 2 compliments on my appearance...apparently smiling really does make one more attractive. My PMA is high, and I'm not even acting!!! I'm doing great...I hope I stay at this place. It's nice!

Sandi, I wanted to address your comments about LL's. I'm not sure how to get the WoA if you need them other than to communicate the need to your spouse. I can say for my part that I was good at giving those to H in the beginning, but over time...especially when he started withdrawing, I became resentful and I started withholding them. I don't think it was intentional...it just happened. I made him earn them. I hope that in my future R's I'll be smart enought to recognize that I am doing that before things get out of hand so that we could address it, but who knows.

Have you and H talked about that lately? I can honestly say for me, that not understanding how important that was to him was part of the problem. I don't need them (WoA)...I'm just wired differently. I do need lots of hugs and lots of quality time. So, it never really occurred to me what I was doing by withholding them until things were way far gone.

Now, he does still want them from me. Like even last night, the apologizing about calling late. He wanted me to tell him it was okay...and he wanted to let me know why he was late. I cut him off before he had a chance to give his reason. But, I don't think he owed an apology. The agreement we have is that between 7:30 and 8:00, the kids will be available to receive the phone call from the other parent. If you call at any other time, there's no guarantee that the kids will be on standby. But, if they are available, you can certainly talk to them. The apology was possibly to get the WoA from me. Interesting now that I think about it a little!

At any rate, I'm doing good. Just wanted everyone to know!

Love you all!
Amy

[marriedCrazy]

Congrats on running that 1/2. What a feat111

I also glad to see that you can still move around after running so far.

It's good to be detached. It makes dealing with the WAS easier, lets them know that they don't control the sitch anymore. Who knows what they really think; but we can hope anyway, right?

Take care.

((((Amy))))

[Amy M]

Thanks for the hugs, MC!

[TxMomw/2girls]

Amy,

Popping on quickly I'm about to go in sales meeting... I'll check back tonight...

Glad you are in a good place today and so proud of you for your marathon - half or not.... great work.

My H LL is WoA too and I feel the same way never realized how important this was..... I've had a great couple of days and today on the plane I started crying and feeling so sad again.... I really hate the roller coaster of emotions... more about my sitch later on my thread....

anyhow, I'll check out FB tonight and email you... hang in there....

[Amy M]

TxMom!!! I know what you mean about the roller coaster. It's almost minute to minute for awhile...and I've noticed a definite correlation between my hormones and my sadness level!!

So, I take the good days and make the most of them knowing that there may be a bad one around the corner! You do the same...with whatever good minutes or hours you can find.

Hugs to you!
Amy

[SingleDad]

Amy M - believe me there are lots of rollercoaster rides to come. I am amazed how quickly you are adjusting to your new reality.

I fought to save my marriage... as much as I learned about DBing, I couldn't help going back to clinginess, anger, relationship talk, etc. Whenever I go back to DBing and STBXW is comfortable I won't be "acting up" she is more likely to call to discuss daughter issues.

All went to hell when I learned last week that W is sleeping with her boyfriend, while my daughter is in the next room - told me this BF is more serious than I thought and going on a long time - affair likely before the D started. (DB was out the window - to say the least). But I am better now - back to GALing.

You are doing great in keeping friendly (is he having second thoughts ?) Keeep it up.

[sandi2]

I think one reason Amy is doing as well as she is at this moment is the fact she has a very important "goal" that she was working toward and now, she is experiencing the victory and "flying high" with the great feeling of acomplishment. I kind of laughed to myself, not at you Amy, but it is so typical for LBS in these stitch when they really begin to detach---that what seems like has been a looooong time has been about four or five days.....but hey, that is quite an accomplishment for a gal who in the beginning was crying and saying, "It's too hard and I can't do it!" There is another LBS that I wished I could reach b/c she makes me think of you by saying things like that. Only I think you had more spunk and pride. I am trying hard to get her to see that she can do it and MUST do it if she is going to survive.

Okay....the WofA. Well, you know, I tried to tell my H that one time and he looked at me like I had lost my mind. I mean, he sees me as some giant strength that can do anything and it never crosses his mind that I need to hear him say those words of affirmation to me. I told him that I was not that way with all things at all times and how he felt about me and what I did and how I did it meant more than anyone else's opinion. But, he just didn't get it. So, I suppose I will have to learn to live without it. My poor sister has had too b/c her sorry a$$ H would die before he ever gave her a crumb of a compliment. I do wished I was better at it than what I am. I'm not sure what my H's LL is. I notice he always does some work or deed to make me feel better, so I think that might be his. It use to make me mad to work my butt of all day when the kids were little and it acted like it would turn him on! I thought he was a pervert! (LOL) Not really, but needless to say, I did not feel like having sex after working myself half to death.

Well, find you another goal to start consentrating on b/c I think for a while, that is your ticket to stay detached. It keeps your mind busy and that is very important. Now, don't you feel good about yourself? I knew you would. And, if truth be known, I bet you can see where if the worse comes, you will be able to survive without your H in your life. I know it wasn't what you wanted, but now at least, you won't fall down into a puddle of tears with no hope for a future. Somebody is sure going to be lucky to find you.....but I hope you take it long and slow so you want fall into any rebound stuff. Listen at me! Man, I can get off into a tailspin!

Love ya,
Sandi