Where do I begin?

[Kelly23]

It ended last December to the best of my knowledge. They work together however, so I guess I should say they have not had contact on our cell phone since then and he tells me they do not talk. I started going to IC and he later agreed when I asked him to go with me. The counselor gave his steps to take to try to repair our relationship. That happened three times and then hubby stopped doing all those things..like going out on a date night, telling me when he saw or spoke to OW, asking me if I wanted to talk about it.
I guess I just think that if he does not believe I am important enough to try to work toward a relationship, then there is no need for me to stay in it. The more I think about it, I guess I have already decided I want to be divorced. Otherwise, wouldn't I be trying to save the marriage? Frankly, I see no reason in kissing his ass when I did not go find a man young enough to be my son to help me feel better about myself. He did. Man that was hateful. I have to figure out how to get over the anger. I am living under the once bitten, twice shy philosophy. I am not sure I can take the pain of this happening again so I am making sure I do not open up and put myself out there.

[runningoutoftime]

Yes, it sounds like you still have a lot of anger. I remember having that too and feeling absolutely livid.... for a looooong time...

My advice to you... consider separating before filing for D. Don't D out of anger. Work though that anger. It's much easier to work through it with him then while going through D. Once you get to a mentally healthy place then you can make a mentally healthy decision.

You don't need to open up and put yourself out there. Just try to start at zero and work towards merely becoming friends. My gosh, your marriage is like some building that has crumbled and fallen completely apart. You cannot expect much from a broken building. It requires rebuilding once little piece at a time.Just be co-parents and see if you can somehow develop a friendship. Don't ask anything of each other.

You can always D this guy. And you can know in the back of your head you will.... but just try working through this anger and becoming friends. Nothing more. Are you seeing a C just for yourself?

P.S..... of course you don't need some young dude to feel better about yourself. You are smart enough to realize it doesn't really work. It's just a temporary fix like drugs or alcohol and you already know you are strong enough and love yourself enough you don't need some quick, temporary fix. But some people are weak... actually a lot are! And that weakness doesn't make them any more happy or fufilled in the long run... if anything it just makes them feel even more like a failure.

[Kelly23]

I am still not sure how to get rid of the anger. Just thinking about all of the time he lied to my face and them walked out our door. It sickens me still. He also told our daughter and asked her to keep it from me. I am not sure how everyone else seems so forgiving. I feel like I am too good for him and he does not deserve me. Why should I settle for him when I can be take care of myself?

I have not been to my counselor since September. With school starting, I have been extremely busy. I just wrote myself a note to call tomorrow and set an appointment.

[runningoutoftime]

>I feel like I am too good for him and he does not deserve me. <

How are you too good? What do you think your husband deserves? Isn't how you are acting, and what you are giving to the relationship now... what you think he deserves? (i.e. anger about what happened, coldness, divorce, etc...)

>I am still not sure how to get rid of the anger.<

But what he did is not about you. It's about his own problems, his own failings, his own weaknesses. It's not about what he did to you. It's what he did to himself.

Everyone is weak or strong in different ways. I married someone I thought was perfect, but I've learned there's no such thing as perfect. But I do know my H... I know the good and the bad, where he's strong, and where he's weak. But more importantly I've learned my own strengths and weaknesses.

One thing I've learned about me from the difficulties.... I can love people in spite of their weaknesses, and I can love people enough to let them go. It's just not all about me. And if my H does decide to leave me. I would feel very sorry for him because someone who can love and accept you no matter who you are, and the deep weaknesses you have, that can't easily be replaced. That's very valuable. My H's best chance for happiness is me and having his family together (and ultimately my best chance of happiness is having my children as well-adjusted as possible, and my family together). If he throws it away he loses... not me. I will know I did everything I could and I will have no regrets.

[Kelly23]

He deserves someone that will trust him and respect him and neither of those will come from me.

I guess I don't think the way most of you guys do. My husband broke the vow he made to me, lied to my face, and gave the affection I needed to another woman. No matter who it was about, it showed me that he does not keep his word. I was brought up that if you don't have your word, you don't have anything.

How can I believe in him ever again? When we married, we were one, partners. He went against everything we stand for.

[runningoutoftime]

Interesting... I'm not sure he deserves someone who can trust and respect him if he has difficulty with boundries. There are very positive qualities in him. He will choose his wife and family over OP when it comes down to it. But so far in his life he has shown weakness and difficulty with sticking to boundries. So for me it would be a "tempered" trust. My trust wouldn't be 100%.... no OP should feel that... Actually, any person you'd meet at this time would probably be someone with a failed marriage and they would likely have their own baggage...

I agree to a point with what you've said. Unfortunately, I think we live in times and a society that encourages and allows for the bending of character. Without children the decision is a no-brainer, but with children there's more to consider.,,, Tell me, as a teacher (although I don't know what grade you teach, is it elementary or college or what???) do you think the kids are much better off when their parents divorce.

I realize this is not about your kids, this is about you. But from what you see and observe. Do you believe they do better. Is this divorce a decsion you feel comfortable making entirely for yourself...

[Kelly23]

Sorry I took so long to reply...been really busy this week.

I teach middle school, grades 6-8. While some can handle it either way, most kids have difficulty when their parents divorce. My parents are divorced and I never wanted that for my children. I also never wanted my husband to cheat on me but we don't always get what we want.

Funny you posted this. I was talking to my best friend last week about if I could stand living with him for the next 3 years so both the kids would be out of high school. I am stubborn and told her I thought I could. Later that night I saw a quote....Love and resentment cannot live in the same heart. Eventually one of them has to die...that sure hit home with me.

I still feel like I am in a fog with all this. People talk about an illness or accident being a life-changing event. This has been like an illness for me. I did not want it, did not ask for it but all of the effects are hitting me like a ton of bricks. I cannot escape.

[Kelly23]

Went to hubby's family for dinner tonight. It is hard playing happy around them when I am so miserable. I mourn for my past life, past happiness, past closeness with my husband. I want to recover from the pain. Maybe that is why I want him to go so badly. Maybe I think it will be easier if he is not around for me to hate all the time. Maybe I think I will not be so angry at his lack of trying to work on the marriage if he is not around.

We went to the drive through at Starbucks on the way home tonight. He stops there daily. The lady at the window knows him and was making small talk. She introduced herself to me and then asked him..is this your wife? It made me so angry. The OW works with him and I know they have went there together in the mornings when they got off work. All I could think about was the lady knowing that my husband had been there with her. A stranger I just met knows that my husband cheated on me. It made me feel pathetic.

[SteveInTN]

Kelly,

I know it is hard to but you've got to stop letting stuff like this get to you and letting your mind pan out a scenario which may, or may NOT be the truth. Me, and a lot of other here, no precisely how you feel and the torture that you put yourself through. It just isn't worth it. Whether you are going to work on you marriage or punt it, thought processes like that do nothing but bring pain to YOU, not ANYBODY else. I know it is difficult to realize and bring into perspective, but you need to discover ways that you can deal with thoughts like this and drive them from your mind.

For me it was many things. X had an affair with a teacher at my kids school, so everytime I was there I had a million thoughts going through my brain as to who knew, who didn't, etc, etc. After that was an affair where she got busted out publicly. I discovered where they had been meeting, pay phones they had been using, all sorts of clandestine crap. For the longest I let this stuff get the better of me and it was literally painful to drive down the road, go to soccer games, go to school, on and on. FINALLY, and I mean it took some work, I quit ALLOWING these thoughts to consume me. What he did has NOTHING to do with you and people are NOT looking at you with pity. I promise you that 99% of the things you think may have happened didn't, and even if they did, what does it matter. YOU didn't do it and it DOES NOT reflect upon you.

I coached the wife of my X's OM through everything and they are still together and trying to make it work out. She had hostility and anger out the whazoo and said many of the things that you do. Right now, they are well along in piecing and things are looking good.

Chin up girl... take a step back, rethink the whole DB philosophy and make sure that you are implementing. I'm not hearing that you're done, and any marriage w/ kids is worth saving. It can be done. Even if your choice is not to save it, self inflicted punishment like you described above is something you have to learn to deal with right now, for your own sanity. I feel ya so much on this one...

Steve

[Kelly23]

Thank you so much for replying Steve.
I have been in a horrible funk lately. It is coming up on the one year anniversary of me finding out about the affair and all of the pain is coming back. I am finding it very hard to get excited about the holidays.

We had a horrible fight last night. Talking about things is his least favorite or should I say most hated thing to do. He actually said...I wish we liked to do more things together so we did not ever have to talk about this again. He does not talk anyway. His replies usually consist of "I am not sure", "I don't have an answer for that", "I guess you are right." Communication is very important to me and so unimportant to him. Some of the things he said were very hurtful and did not help my plea for our marriage at all.

I did not sleep at all last night and had to work today at my part time job. I got off work at 12 and texted him that I was going to watch a movie. He replied ok. I replied, "Do you want to go with me?" He met me at 1 at the movies and we watched Fireproof. I was sobbing uncontrollably throughout most of it. He never shed a tear. His coldness is so different from the man I married many years ago. He used to be so tenderhearted. Now he is so hardhearted. I guess I am now too. That makes me sad.

I got home about 3:30 and went to bed. Just woke up and guess I will not be able to sleep tonight either. When he is sleeping and I am lying in the bed, my mind goes a million miles an hour. I hate that.