Working on a friendship

[Belle]

I know my problems are trivial, but I have to vent and say I hate it when my H calls and doesn't leave a message.

The last time he was doing that I didn't call him back and then he brought it up after a week or so "I called you last week" and I said "you didn't leave a message" and he said "Yeah, but you knew I called"...At that time he said he would leave a message from now on....

It's so frustrating because it's so hard to reach him. He is a huge flake when it comes to his phone. He leaves the ringer off -doesn't hear it and most times doesn't call back for a day or so.

I sent him a text last week, asking him a question, and when he called the next day I asked him if he got it and he said "No".

FLAKE! He used to ask me how to check his text messages, so I guess I shouldn't expect much.

So now he just called and didn't leave a message.

I ALWAYS answer my phone. I did't answer for a couple of weeks when he would call and there was really no reaction other than the conversation above.

So I have been answering it again and I guess resulted in something good - we've been talking a lot more. I don't know if that's just coincidence though.

I guess I shouldn't make such a big deal of this calling thing. But maybe I am making a big deal because I feel like I'm at his service for support and friendship, yet I'm not sure if he'd be there if I needed him.....

Women are attracted to strong, dominant men. And I feel like and I am the strong one here........

[Trixi]

I think there is a little bit different attitude in society right now when it comes to voice mail.

My (21yo) daughter will not leave a message and she won't listen to messages. She knows when I call her cell and calls me back. I used to leave messages, but everytime I asked if she listened to my message she would say "no".

I have sometimes called my H and not left a message and he calls me back from the missed call. He doesn't always listen to my message.

In fact, a lot of my clients don't listen to the my messages, they just call me directly back.

SOOOOO, I guess I am wondering WHY you want him to leave a message vs you call him back when it's convenient to you? In fact, you could use it to your advantage and say "Hey H. I just now noticed I missed your call- what's up?" Basically, your life is just so full and interesting you can't be bothered with checking your cell phone all the time to see if he called; but you're not rude or anything- you're a friendly sort, so you are calling back just to check in. Know what I mean?

[optimistwife]

Hi Belle,
nothing that hurts is trivial. I agree about the communication issues. Lots of times I feel like it is a power play of some sorts. They somehow expect us to be there always, yet at times ration communication.

Once again, I think the DB solution is to take the high road and ignore the comments. Return his calls cheerfully.

So far your increased communication has paid off. At least you are talking now. And he's gets frusterated when you aren't talking to him! That is a change from before!

[Belle]

Yes, I know I should call back to check in and be friendly....I have done that and of course he didn't answer and hasn't called back.......

No expectations!!!! I have to keep reminding myself.

I've been thinking about the question you asked me - why do I want him to leave a message. After some thought, I've figured it out.

I guess I feel like my H misses me and likes to talk to me. I still feel like he is confused about us. (Especially since I heard that voicemail from OW saying that she tries really hard to give him his time to sort things out and think). So I think he calls to keep the connection because he's not sure of his decision. (I could be TOTALLY wrong because we don't talk about R)

Oftentimes when he calls me he says that he wants to see if he can come see the dog. I think it's just an excuse. Again I could be wrong.

I want him to leave a message b/c I want him to say he's calling just to say hi and see what's up with me. Is that so hard to say???

I have a feeling he doesn't want to admit to this and doesn't want to do or say anything that will get my hopes up.

I feel like by calling him back everytime he calls, I'm just giving him the easy way out - he doesn't have to say why he's calling. Which I suspect is no reason at all - just to say hi and talk with me.

I guess I just shouldn't concern myself with it so much. Take the high road......

[Belle]

I totally feel like it's a powerplay. And I'm the one powerless b/c I call him back when he calls and leaves no message- and then of course he doesn't answer. It makes me feel like he probably thinks I sit and look at my phone and say - "Oh yeah! H called, I've got to call him back! I wonder what he wants!"

But when I start that game of not calling him back it seems that encourages him to take so much longer to get back to me if I do call him.

[Belle]

Had a weird convo with H today.

I told him I was sponsoring a child from El Salvador - just signed up on Sat night at MercyMe concert. It really makes me feel good. I didn't decide to go to the concert until Sat day and I just feel like it was meant to be (sponsoring a child).

Well H said that I need to be careful about scams.

I told him not to rain on my parade.

(He has always been skeptical about everyone, everything. Starts off not trusting and gains trust in things whereas I start off trusting people/things and then if trust is broken, I move on)

Then we talked about the concert (Christian band) and he told me I need more balance in my life.

I told him I have balance....between work, school, church, social life. Then he retracted that statement and said he's probably the one who doesn't have balance - all he knows is school.

He said that I've just changed so much. (Became religious)

After he hung up, he called back to say that he hoped he didn't hurt my feelings and he didn't mean to.

I told him no, he didn't hurt my feelings but I just didn't want him to think I'm weird or something.

He said he doesn't think that - he knows I'm just doing what I need to to get through this tough time.

We talked about his Dad and he told me that he hasn't told him yet that he moved out - he knows his Dad will be sad.

It was weird b/c I felt like he was a little sad because I have changed so much. He's not the religious type and I don't think he cares for it.

I know I'm supposed to "be attractive to him" according to DB. And religious isn't attractive to him. But I'm not going to hide this because I believe in it.

I am sorry if he is sad.

[optimistwife]

I am sorry that your H is still living in a hidden state. (not telling his family) Of course they will be disappointed. He isn't acting like a man, and he knows it.

I think that finding youself in faith is a great thing. You are living your life in a positive way, helping others, unashamed of how it looks. He is the one that needs a path, something outside of school and himself.

Being true to yourself it being attractive. You shouldn't undo who you are for another person (I think we've all been guilty of that to some extent).

I am glad that you are finding strength! And maybe he will see the power of god through your changes? Obviously he notices...

[Belle]

Talked to H today - he called to chat. He asked if I had any exciting plans this weekend. I told him I had to study (I know this is boring). When I asked him the same, he said he had to study too.

So I went out on a huge limb and said, we should go to dinner. He said yes and then said he will give me a call tomorrow.

It's so weird b/c I don't feel nervous. I feel like I'll be ok whether we get back together someday or we don't. So there's not anything huge resting on this date!

We haven't gone out since August.

I'm going to look good. Maybe go shopping tomorrow.

I'm going to try to flirt......need lots of practice.

I hope it goes well....

Wish me luck.

[optimistwife]

Wow Belle,

That is amazing! Way to go out on a limb! Spend the day making sure you are prepared and look great (but not overdone). What helped me during the early stags when we started seeing eachother again was to work on visualizing success.

Imagine the dinner going well. What would you be doing? What would you be saying. What will you be acting like? It is the same analogy to athletes imagining themselves winning the big game, making the final goal, etc... It really helps- because you will be on pins and needles! And you need to look at ease!

Come up with a bunch of easy things to talk about ahead of time. Be prepared to lead conversations, tell stories. He will be scared to talk. He will be afraid of R conversations.

You can do it! Let us know how it goes.

[Belle]

Well, our "date" went well.

I can't say I did a lot of flirting, but I did look good and he noticed.

"Since when do you wear perfume?"

"Why didn't you ever wear jeans like that before?"

"Whoa! Cleavage!"

We went to dinner and then he suggested we go out for dessert after. (I don't think he wanted it to end).

When we left the restaurant I looped my arm through his and we walked together - felt so natural.

Ran into a few tricky conversations: Talked about a couple of people we know that are also separated. H said that it's more accepted nowadays to split up rather than just stay miserable together. I said that yes, it is more acceptable to split up but I also think that that sparks the opportunity for people to change. I said "Like my parents, my Dad doesn't like it when my Mom yells at him or talks down to him. She probably won't ever change even though he's told her he doesn't like it."

H said "It's a little late for her to change, they're pretty old" I replied with an emphatic "It's never to late to change, no matter how old you are, if you want to make the other person happy."

Hopefully that gives him something to chew on.

This am I sent him a text saying I wish he had been at church. My pastor there knows I am separated from H. Others know I'm married and my H is going to chiro school. They have a program where people in the church sponsor students. So someone decided to put my H's name on there even though he's never been to church. So a lady from the church sent my H a card. I think he liked it. So today I said I tried to meet the lady but she goes to a later service. He called me after the text and after we were talking about church and the lady, he said that he may go one of these days!!!! That is so awesome. God is answering my prayers!!!! He has been so adamant about not going.

Anyways, he just called, which sparked me to write my post. He called to tell me that he really enjoyed last night. He was thinking about me and he really enjoyed it and wanted me to know.

All I can say is God is great!