It's a Marathon, Not a Sprint, to Happy...

[Dr LOve]

Hey BJ,

I am sorry you are going through this. Don't have any real input but in a little differant words but My wife said basicly the same thing.
They say while you live in the same house there is still a chance. this may be true but sometimes I do think the like you said.. going agisnt our instincts we need to let them figure this out on their own. So sometimes leaving I think does speed this process along. Let them live without us.

Take care
Dr LOve

[Sara]

Yes, BBJ. You are right. He is depressed and he is like an alcoholic denying his disease. He needs to face it, admit it to himself, and seek help for it. Jumping in and out of family life will never cure it.

[Purple]

Hey BBJ ...my h did basically this but did a whole lot of crappy things before he came to the realisation that he 'didn't know what he wanted'.

Does he read books? What about the book. Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. Maybe just maybe if he follows that book it will help him to be clearer about what he wants. Frankly, a marriage will be hard work a lot of the time. The fairy tale stuff does not exist in real life. Good communication and honest self knowledge and expression whilst being considerate of the other person will go a long way to getting towards that fairy tale feeling but you can't get it all the time unless you pretend you are newly weds and everything is exciting. Throw kids, life, full time work into the mix and it becomes a massive juggling act - one that you have thrown yourself into full on and Dan is just bobbing along hoping it will hit him in the face and that he doesn't have to make any effort. *slap Dan*. Nothing good comes from laziness.

[john210]

((BBJ)),

I feel for you...man do i feel your pain...it brings back some bad memories of the not too distant past.

Wish I had some words of wisdom that you have not heard yet. You are both miserable together so some time apart may be what the doctor ordered (for you anyway), For him, my guess is OW has resurfaced....that is what happened in my case as you know. That is my experience....if OP is not out of their system the chances are slim and none.....and Mr. Slim just left town.
What I am trying to tell myself now and it may be a propos for you is the following. Do we really want to be with the people that our spouses have become? Yes the children are involved but how strong would our marriages and families be even if things worked out? There has been an awful lot of damage done in the past year or so....I think we have given it a hell of a shot. It is not neccesarilly over but...status quo is / was not acceptable and something needs to change.

I am sorry the present outcome is not what you were hoping for but somewhere down the line who knows.

[Sara]

I know you won't do it, but a visit to your brother in Idaho for a few days would do you a world of good and give H something to think about.

[Wooglint]

BBJ,

You did all the right things. Now forgive yourself. Don't take any of the blame like you may think you should.

Be strong. Encourage him to get help. He needs it. Throw him a life preserver. He is asking for help. He is just too stubborn to admit it to himself.

There is a hole in him BBJ and nothing can fill it. He needs to find someone he can trust.

I worry about him on his own. Are his parents strong enough to help him if he leaves?

[Tomato]

Hi there sweetie

Nothing ever simple about this CRAP, is there? All I can say is you have handled it all as a caring, compasionate and Godly woman should.

And furthermore, (if I could share a positive fm this w/ U), Dan peeled back some of his outer layers to reveal what lies beneath. This is proof positive enough for me to keep on keeping on w/ "Project Dan". Not that I was going to budge anyway. If he could be so revealing to you, it is a matter of time before he will do the same with our magnificent Lord. Believe in Him. BELIEVE....

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Bobbi,
I'm sorry to hear all of this, it must have been a very very hard few hours of yuor life and no wonder you are frustrated and hurt.. like you said, why come back then? I guess he wanted to try/wasnt sure/doesnt know what he wants. But it must have been horrible, so you have my sympathy there.

I think its interesting that he said he cant buy anything to make him happy, or get stuff to.. he is admitting really, that it isnt YOU as such, just him. He feels empty inside right. And that was what my ex said. He wasnt happy. Men externalise. When they dont feel happy, they want to change things, or get new stuff. He's tried changing things and getting new stuff and he still isnt happy. Sadly, he needs to get to the bottom of his issues and stop drinking. He needs to go for C hey.

I forget, did you guys discuss that at all? Or wont he go?

Thinking of you,
Ali x

[ernest88]

Ding, Ding, Ding...5 posts in a row above and all have hit the nail on the head..old Danno is one stubborn assss...boy he told you lots when he talked about buying happiness...money won't/possessions won't give him happiness..

I'm sorry BBJ...I can't offer up much. If he won't go to IC then I don't know what else to tell you..

[Tomato]

prayers prayer prayers..nothing more powerful than that can be found anywhere!