About going to H's relatives at the holidays. They think of you as family. Now what your SIL could do is to tell your H under no circumstances he is to bring ow around, esp. while you and your kids are around.
What do you think of this?
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Treese H family is a tough thing to handle. My H's family is big and we are all sooo close. We all have hung out together like friends all these years. For awhile I still went to family stuff. I still get invited but have turned down the last couple. It just doesn't feel right anymore and it hurts way too bad.
Last year for the holidays I spent them with H and his family. Thanksgiving H was waffling and so we spent alot of time together. At Christmas he asked me to go. I wasn't going to. All went well until the end of the night. (Back then H was drinking VERY heavily). H got very drunk. He asked for a kiss when I left. I gave him one. He followed me to my road then went on past towards OW's. That hurt very deaply. I never said a word about it though.
So I understand how tough this is. Like someone else said, I guess you have to do what is right for YOU. Don't worry or think about H. Make the most out of your holidays and if that means spending it with loved ones. Than do it.!!!
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
Last Thanksgiving we spent it together...it was tough and I ended up crying in the bathroom and my MIL came in to comfort me..this was all before I found out about "the child"...this year I just can't do it....I know my SIL will be disappointed but I want it to be a happy time for my kids and it wouldn't be if I'm crying in front of them...I don't think H would bring OW in front of "ME"..but hey I'm not sure of anything anymore...my decision right now is to stay home and let my children go if they wish...I will not hold them back from seeing their grandparents...although my D22 wants nothing to do with it...she's an adult I stay out of it....
I love my SIL to death..like I said she is one of my best friends...that's why all of this is so tough...we grew up together...went to school together...now we are closer than she and my H....
So last night after texting with my H yesterday and him asking me about S11 practices he wanted to know the times and maybe he could help out...I said no big deal...I could do it...a little PMA....I didn't hear from him after that probably was angry that I said, "no big deal"...then about 3 hours later I get a text that he can pick him up after practice...a little guilt I think...I said great....
He brought him home and came in the house whistling...WTF? Just so happy go lucky...then whips out his phone and starts texting...OMG...I just totally ignored him...made some dinner for my son...even gave my H a piece of meatloaf....then H went to his car and brought in his laptop and opened his email...geeezzz.....so I went upstairs while he helped son with homework...as I was sitting on my bed, H yelled up, "thanks for the food, and bye".....I didn't answer.....and here I am today...
Why does he have to come in and rub in how happy he is....I didn't react which I think was a good thing....but I also didnt talk to him much...I didnt think it was necessary...
So, lets hear it...I'm a fool....
I've been asked to go watch the football game this weekend with a man....I might go....a few wings....a beer....might do me some good...I dont' need a relationship just some fun to keep my mind occupied...
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Does his family accept this ow into their homes? Just curious because my h is not permitted into his families homes while in an adulterous relationship.
The kids and I are always welcome but not my h. His family lives on the east coast so it is not like we get there often.
I remember in the very beginning of this MLC stuff, and on my birthday in 2005, h had the nerve to talk to ow in front of me and the girls and he told her, i love you too, i miss you too and they finally hung up. i yelled out at him, tell her there will be no divorce and he told her that in front of me.
See how whacked in the brain they become? It does not surprise me he is texting in front of you, almost like a power play thing and stroking his ego as well.
It does make you want to gag and I think you are right to walk up to your room the way you did.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
H's mom says, "he made a mistake"...ok, we all make mistakes but his mistake produced a child, and it is going to financially take its toll on us....she does however feel bad at what is going on but yes, they would let him bring OW into their home...it's her son and brother....they accept it for what it is....MIL says, "if he's in love with someone else I have to accept it and move on"...wow, wish it was that easy....but it's not...I'm not angry with them though...it is her son...blood is thicker than water although I feel I am blood...
...i used to say stuff to him when he was texting now I just walk away....it's rude to do that, it's rude to talk to her in front of my children & me....that is lack of respect....but he's had no respect for me for a very long time....
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
IMHO, I would say something to him about him texting the ow in my house. You need a some boundries when it comes to that. Don't let him disrespect you in your own home and in front of your kids. My h did that to, but called the ow several times in my house. My C told me to tell him that I would appreciate it if he would do that out of my presence and not in my home. She also said that if he couldn't respect my wishes he didn't need to come over. My h was a little peeved but it stopped right there.
Do what you think is right when it comes to Thanksgiving for you and your kids. Make a small dinner for you all and start new traditions. That is what kept me sane during the holidays!!!!
I know what you're feeling about the pain in dealing with family relationships. I too love my in-laws and consider them my family and always will! I tried to call my SIL once (who had told me I could do so) and ended up talking to my BIL, whom I used to go to school with and thought I was pretty close to. And he was so distant and clearly didn't want to hear any of it! I didn't want him in the middle, REALLY, but it hurt so bad because he just didn't even want to hear it. And it hurts because I wonder if they would really talk to H instead of "being supportive" he might wake up! But, the truth is, H is so stubborn it might just push him down further.
As for the texts and stuff in front of you, I agree with YR that you should set those boundaries and say "no more" of that, especially with kids because they are not stupid!! But, also don't think that he's no feeling anything. They do, but I think they just push it away.
And as for the guy that asked you to the game. GO!!! It's not about starting a new relationship! It's just about acknowledging to yourself that there are other options and that's good for you to be aware of! I gave my phone number to good looking Hospital technician! I was in there overnight for a sleep study and he was the one that got to hook up all the "electrodes" all over my in my flannel pj's (not that's attractive!). But he has just gone through a very difficult divorce so we commisserated, and I told him about the buddhist meditation I have been doing and such, and he seemed interested so I gave him my number. I told him I wasn't hitting on him or anything. But it was a very freeing thing to do (since I've beeen with H since I was 17!) He hasn't called me and that was 10 days ago, but he did seem genuinely touched by my gesture and not offended at all, so even if he doesn't call, I feel it was a positive experience. [and I'll take all of those I can get!]
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
I yanked the phone out of his hands one time and threw it in the yard. Oh, did he get irked. Hey, not in my house!!
I am sure he regrets lots of things he did back then.
His brain is on vacation in a far away place. They just don't think and act very much like a teenager.
I understand your frustration.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Quiet on the homefront the past few days....cause I haven't really seen H....I was gone yesterday when he picked up son and when he dropped him off today I talked only for a second....then he left...
I wanted to catch his eye to see if I could see whats behind them and when he looked at me I swear I see sadness, even though he would tell you otherwise....he looks tired...maybe today he is....who knows....I just went about my business and didn't say a word...he was supposed to have talked to an attorney last week, of course he never told me what he found out...maybe that's the sadness I see....
I did go watch the football game with my best girlfriend and her fiance and another friend yesterday...I had a good time then i went to her house in the evening to play euchre....I have to say I had a good time and the other guy that was there....well this is what he had to say to me....he said, "don't sell yourself short, you are a beautiful woman...you will be okay"...it was very nice of him...I actually went to school with him....anyway...it was a fun evening....then I came home and went to bed....went to a craft bizarre this morning and now relaxing trying to get rid of a horrible headache....
I'm debating on whether to pack the rest of H's stuff up from the closet and in the basement....he seems to grab stuff every time he comes or drops son off....it really irritates me...so maybe I should just pack it all up for him....I'm growing tired of this rollercoaster.....I see no change in my H at all and it has been almost 2 years.....
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
