Was in a really bad place last night. W and I were having a really good day. We went shopping and on the drive from shop to shop I had my hand on her leg. At one point I moved my hand a little and made contact with her hand (which was between her legs) and she jerked her hand away like I had the plague.
And it hit me hard. The stupid thing is, right after she jerked her had away she started talking about some of the things she saw in the window of the shop we were pulling into. It's like she didn't even recognize that she'd jerked her hand away. The rest of the night I was pretty quiet. Wasn't mean or anything, but just quiet. And W kept talking to me. Not as much as earlier in the day as I think she realized something had happened that had hit me, but she talked about our trip this week, a couple things about the kids, etc. I wonder if she doesn't even know what she did?
Don't know how I'll feel when she gets up. I think I'm going to say something to her about it to see what she says. Not going to get into any R talk or anything, but I think I'm going to ask her about it and maybe say how confusing it is for me when she'll hug and kiss me but when I do something like touching her hand like yesterday she reacts in ways that I just don't get.
I'll let you know what happens.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Ok Flynn, First, I'll let you know when we get the new bed set up and if she moves back in. You seem more obsessed than I am about it, LOL.
I did bring it up to her. Not in an angry way at all. I went up to the bedroom after she got up and said to her that I wanted to apologize for being down last night, but when she jerked her hand away when I touched it that it really hit me hard. She said she didn't even realize she'd done it. Which if you read Breakaway's thread on Newcomers could be entirely true. It could also be that she did recognize she did it and wanted to minimize the affect. But she gave me a couple of very warm hugs and has been very engaging this morning.
I've thought a lot about what Break wrote and I'll share something I've never shared with ANYONE before.
When W was in college...uh...lets just say that the guy she was dating at the time and a number of his frat buddies kind of forced W to do somethings that she didn't want to do. You could call it rape with multiple guys involved. When we first got together we talked about it and the way I handled it with her was one of the things that she said made her fall in love with me. Previous guys she'd dated, when she told them what happened, would always blame her for it happening. I was the first that told her it wasn't her fault and it changed nothing in how I felt for her.
So now, reading Break's post, I have a new sympathy for how in this stressful time, that some things may be taking her back to that bad place and I just need to let her work through this stuff and be there WHEN she's ready to talk.
Ok, everyone tell me just how much harder this is going to be for me given what I have finally told what had gone on in W's life before we met.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Puppy, when you get back from vacation, could you look up Lovehimso on Newcomers. She's struggling with a cake eating H and would like some advise on boundary setting, and I hinted at exposure when she said she might be interested in other than DB techniques.
Welcome back btw. Hope your trip was a good one.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Did your W ever see someone about that happening? I really don't think you can just figure that one out on your own. You are a good listener, and responded the best way possible when she talked about it, but you are not a psychiatrist or counselor. I would recommend she eventually talk to someone about this. I'm sure it affects her life and thoughts more than you realize. I know she doesn't want to see anyone, and doesn't want to see any movie that would have her think about what is happening, or talk to you about what happened...but that is because she would have to deal with this baggage she has inside. It will be hard and painful, I imagine. So, rather than doing that, she portrays her tough/stubborn self that doesn't need anyone's help. That's my take.
Hey man, I'm really bushed right now, but I wanted to stop by for a minute. Maybe I'll have some more to say later...but right now I would just say...IDK...I think when we hit this place in our lives, for some reason the old stuff we bury does seem to come back again. I have my own demons. I am just now, finally, I think starting to heal as a true adult.
The "love" offered by the OM, however you want to characterize it, makes you feel so valued that there aren't words for it. And then, it goes too...and I think, speaking for myself, it's like every ugly thought that you could have had about yourself threatens to cave in your soul, every old hurt can feel fresh again.
Not that she's necessarily "thinking" those things...I'm still trying to figure it out myself. That song Heartbreaker by Pink comes to mind, I remember hearing that at a vulnerable time..."might as well lay down and die." That was a passing feeling...but I think it still rests inside me sometimes waiting to rear its ugly head when I feel unvaluable.
The book I quoted in that post is supposed to help me retrieve my core value. I'll let you know if it happens.
