New Here-From Newcomers- hoping for more input...

[Forrest Gump]

"She wonders if she will ever be the same again"

I hope not.

"She wonders if he knows"

Yes

"She wonders if he sees"

depends on what you are doing. Maybe you should wonder.. what he sees.

"She wonders if he cares"

Very Likely.

"She waits for her heart"

To heal? Too much pain?

"She waits for his heart"

To feel the same way.

"She waits for the spark to ignite to a flame"

Expectations. They will get you every time.

"She waits for him to feel the heat."

What kind of heat?

"She waits for his love"

This will get you in trouble.

"She watches from a distance"

Wanting him close.

"She watches from near"

Wishing he wasn't so close.

"She watches the reflection of his soul in his eyes"

Looking for the "Old".

"She watches the sadness in his smile"

Still not understand why he is sad.

"She watches his struggle"

Wishing she could help.

"She wonders what they know"

Everything you have ever shown them.

"She wonders if they care"

Again.. maybe.

"She wonders how long forever lives in a heart"

Forever.

"She wonders when"

Down the road. When you least expect it.

"She wears it as a reminder
She wears it as a symbol of her love
She wears it proudly
She wears it with intent
She wears it for herself
She wears it for all"

She wears it because of what it means.

"She wants to be patient
She wants to be pushy
She wants to be the past
She wants to be the future
She wants to be the present "

She wants to be "IT".

"She loves him still
She loves him more
She loves him always

She wants to be the one"

So.. what worked before.. You stood out from the crowd before. Are you standing out now?

Be the one. All you gotta do.. is do it.

[optimistwife]

Thank you FG...
I guess I needed those answers- and it is helpful to hear from someone- even if not him. Sometimes I just feel he is so oblivious to me and everything that is happening. But I know that isn't the truth. Thanks for a reminder.

I am trying to regroup my thoughts and actions today. I think I am slipping back into a mode that likely contributed to us being here in the first place (always wondering/caring what he is doing.) If he is going to be so fascinated with every girl/friend that comes along then there is nothing I can do about that... if he chooses that instead of our marriage.

I am trying to take accountability for why he feels that those relationships are more appealing than ours became...

What I think I need to do is to focus on myself again. NOT myself in association to him. I've been getting wrapped up with all the time we've been spending together- okay well increased time spent together, and started to glom onto him again.

Thank you for your insights. Focus on being ME.

[daisy282]

Hello Opt,

I haven't read your whole situation but as someone who has been there and made it out the other side I want to encourage you to keep pushing forward. It's like 2 steps forward, 1 back. My hubby and I had a few times where I thought we were on our way to being fixed and then I got too caught up and when it fell apart again it hurt worse than the first time because I let my expectations build up. I know it is hard to keep hanging in there and go through the "wringer" but it will be worth it someday! Just know that it is not over. Go back to GAL and PMA and you will do just fine.

I'll try to read more later and see if there is anything else I can offer in the way of advice for your sitch.

Keep at it dear!

[optimistwife]

Thanks Daisy.
It is so nice to have someone give advice from the other side. What do we call you? A DB winner? Although there are so many who 'won' themselves even though they didn't reclaim their marriage.

I do have to focus on just how far I've come. In thinking back to August- we barely saw each other, communication was awkward- a brief Hi and goodnight daily. I was on pin and needles around him. November- we go back and forth to each others places to visit. We occasionally ML, he opens up more about what his plans are (still no 'our' plans...)

There are still bumps of new disappointment along the way, and you are right. They set me much farther back than they should. I should really re-read my own posts from when I started here every now and then... The big picture!

[optimistwife]

My daily update so far...
H is visiting today. He came over last night- mostly in a distracted and crabby mood. Not from me, but all his other stress in life. He has national boards exams in less than 2 weeks, and also has all his applications due for internships.

I am trying to be supportive and step back. This will pass... And then perhaps I can press forward about 'us' a bit more...

I sure don't understand all of his actions. He was checking his phone and texting several times last night and today. I am just trying to be calm about the whole thing. That is the kind of action that contributed to us being in this sitch in the first place. I think it is inappropriate... but now is not the time to deal with it.

He was going to go back to his apt to study today (?) and then after checking his text msg this morning told me he had decided to spend the day with me after he ran 'errands'. I was very good and didn't question what he was doing. Told him 'bye- see you later!'. This is an improvement for me (although my mind questions everything).

I am remembering to pray these days. To thank god for how far I've come, how much more I appreciate about life (the little things), and to give me peace in my heart. It helps.

[istherehope]

Hi Opt,

Just a thought, and I know others might disagree, but I thought it could be worth considering anyway.

I remember reading on someone else's thread that a man may not consider an EA inappropriate at all, but rather just making a close friend, even though of course for us it's crossing a line because if WE were to have an EA with a man it would likely mean more than physical intimacy... I've heard that for many men it's not until physical intimacy is involved that the feelings run really deep. I know that's just speculation, but is your H the kind of guy who always has more female friends than male friends? That's how my H was when we lived in the US and it used to drive me crazy, but I always had many male friends, so realized I was being hypocritical.

In any case, whatever is going on, it sounds like you are dealing with it in a very good way. Also, you are still spending a lot of time together. Do the 2 of you have any serious R-related talks at all?

I saw your post on Sep's thread, wondering what stage you were at. Maybe you can join me in stage 2.25?:) Clearly you're not just friends as ML happens from time to time and you stay the night at each other's place sometimes. I also like the fact that he invited you to spend Thanksgiving with him.

Anyway hang in there. Pisces said that once they were in stage 2, things moved really quickly. Stage 1 is the killer, and most non-DB couples on th e brink of D probably never make it past that...

Hope you're having a good Sunday!

ITH

[optimistwife]

ITH,

I do agree with a lot of what you are saying. H is ALWAYs the type to have lots of female friends. I do realize that this part of his personality is what made me fall in love with him in the first place. On the flip side I know he has had several friendships that the girls have had lots more feelings for him... And have gotten hurt..

What threatens me is that he keeps those friendships very secret... They are 'his' friends- not our friends. Even his previous BF (the one that I don't think is around anymore) I only saw/met once! in two years. And he wasn't honest about spending time with her.

These are all huge issues for me, and they will have to be respect issues if things are to work out in the future.

I don't mind personal friends of the same sex at all, but I also know that his way of 'friendship' feels like dating to these girls, because they start to persue!. Call/text at all hours, they plan outings together- alone. These things have been so detrimental to our R, and have led him into indecision with these.

I do think he loves to fall in love. I do think the line for him is very blurred. I don't think he has ever ML with these friends (what I want to believe anyway).

Well- we aren't to that point yet. That will have to wait for stage 4 I guess.

I agree we've made it much farther than most. I really have a hard time seeing sometimes how it CAN"T work out after all the time we've put into it, and that they are still around. If they were truly done they would be gone.

[optimistwife]

ITH,

I do agree with a lot of what you are saying. H is ALWAYs the type to have lots of female friends. I do realize that this part of his personality is what made me fall in love with him in the first place. On the flip side I know he has had several friendships that the girls have had lots more feelings for him... And have gotten hurt..

What threatens me is that he keeps those friendships very secret... They are 'his' friends- not our friends. Even his previous BF (the one that I don't think is around anymore) I only saw/met once! in two years. And he wasn't honest about spending time with her.

These are all huge issues for me, and they will have to be respect issues if things are to work out in the future.

I don't mind personal friends of the same sex at all, but I also know that his way of 'friendship' feels like dating to these girls, because they start to persue!. Call/text at all hours, they plan outings together- alone. These things have been so detrimental to our R, and have led him into indecision with these.

I do think he loves to fall in love. I do think the line for him is very blurred. I don't think he has ever ML with these friends (what I want to believe anyway).

Well- we aren't to that point yet. That will have to wait for stage 4 I guess.

I agree we've made it much farther than most. I really have a hard time seeing sometimes how it CAN"T work out after all the time we've put into it, and that they are still around. If they were truly done they would be gone.

[Belle]

Optimist

Doesn't it just drive you nuts wondering what the heck is going on with him??

You seem like you are doing a great job of not questioning him.

I wonder if my H and I ever get to the stage that you are in how I will deal with it.....

I can't think of it now - it's too much to contemplate.

Praying is good. It's the most important thing that is getting me through this. Knowing God has a plan for me and I will be OK with whatever happens.

Hope your session with Jodi goes well tomorrow. Let us know what she says!!

[optimistwife]

Daily journal

Had a good time with H. He ended up staying until 7, which is much longer than I think he originally planned. We ended up watching football, a movie, and having pizza. He is still a bit more distracted than he has been, but I am not going to attribute it to too much at this point.

A good thing is that he called me after he went home and asked if I would read his letter of intent for his applications and comment/correct it. When he e-mailed it to me he finished with 'thanks sunshine'.

That was good because it let me write back and flirt a little.

sometimes when I do stuff I hear Jody's voice coaching me in the background.

Which leads me to my DB session. I took an anti-histamine last night at bedtime and woke up only 45 minutes before I had to call!. Barely enough time to feed dogs, have coffee and get my thought collected.

We went over all the recent things that have changed, and so far all has gone fairly well. She did mention that when things get too comfortable that they can pull back. She had lots of suggestions on how to push to stage 3.

Bring out more allure, leave them hanging/wanting...
Find fun activities that can be romantic (going to try baking/cooking with H...)

A skill for me to work on is to shift our romantic feelings from looks, to having real romance be about who we are inside. I have to look for opportunities to coment on H's actions, not just how he looks.

Well, I have had a productive day overall. Got some leaves cleaned up and now I think I should go to the gym and feel good about life. Haven't worked out in over a week and I could use it!