We've been married 21 years next month. We have four children, the youngest is 16. I tried to have some kind of physical contact with him tonight and it has ended in a big fight. He now tells me he doesn't want me anymore sexually because I had sex with another man without a condom and that thought makes him sick. It didn't make him sick the two years after the affair, just within the past year or so he's decided this is sick. I can't be married like this, and I, at this point, can't see things working out, now I don't know if I can get over his rejection of me. We get along for the most part but there isnt' a marriage here. Thanks all of you for your advice, I'll keep reading. :-)
Undone, Did you guys ever REALLY deal with the affair or did you just try to "forget" about it?
If you never dealt with it, it's not surprising that there came a point where your H had this kind of reaction. Did you tell your H at some point that the A wasn't because there was anything really wrong?
From my point of view, hearing that my W had an affair when there wasn't anything really wrong would be a double betrayal. That would tell me that not only did my W do the worst thing a person can do to their spouse, but did it, not because there was something wrong in the marriage, but because someone was "nice" to her.
I'll tell you how I would feel if that was the case. I'd feel like how could I ever trust you again if everything was ok and you had an affair anyway? And for most men, when it comes to affairs, the sex is the worst part of the betrayal. For most women, the emotional connection of an affair is the worst.
What does all this mean? Like Saffie said, if you want to save your marriage, your H will need a TON (or like my S20 says, a cubic butt ton) of understanding for what your affair has done to your marriage. I read in one of the books I have read about recovering after an affair (don't remember which one) that "the affair was all about you, this recovery needs to be all about him". Understand he's hurting right now more than you can imagine. Does he hate you? Probably yes, but that doesn't mean he doesn't still love you. He just could be testing you to see how committed you are to him. Because if my W had told me the affair wasn't because anything was wrong in the marriage, I can tell you for certain that it would take me a long time and many, many acts of understanding from her to make me feel safe that it wouldn't happen again.
Now for a little 2x4. Take this with how it's intended. To get you to try to understand what he's going through. You said "now I don't know if I can get over his rejection of me". Mulitply that by 1000 and maybe you can feel what he's feeling. You having an affair when there wasn't really anything wrong (like you stated) is the ULTIMATE rejection of him.
IF you want to save your marriage it will take a ton of patience on your part. It will take you being completely open and honest with him. It will take a long time of you reassuring him that it was a mistake and you'll never do it again. It'll take you swallowing your pride and you not getting anything from him for quite a while.
So the question is, are you willing to do the work necessary or is it beyond what you can do/handle?
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
