just thinking about ya. I am sure the Lord will immerse you in the Holy Spirit. Keep smiling no matter what the circumstances. Don't let nobody darag your spirit down. I will look for you later. Bye. Steady as she goes with "project Dan". Jesus is out lookin for his lost sheep.
Hi BBJ. I hope all went well tonight. You are right your H is one of the many men afflicted with NFCism. Unfortunately there is no known simple cure. If there was we wouldn't be here;)
R 23 years M 20 years Bomb June 2007 S Oct 2007 Ds 11 & 16 Ds and I moved out Aug. 2008
No big news. Just got home from dinner. H bought us a $140 bottle of wine????? and a nice steak dinner.....very nice, easy conversation, no "chat" so far....
Sad and pissed, disappointed and yet not truly surprised...
Last night was really fun, we had a good time. Came home, H lay down on the floor with a pillow and blanket to watch tv, I lay w/my head on the same pillow but body the opposite way _.._
Anyway I got up at 12:30 to go to bed. He said the magic words, "Be there in a minute"...I laughed. He said what? I said you have said that for 8 nights now...he said, "I will come in a minute"
I woke up at 3 a.m. thirsty (a bottle of wine will do that...) went out for water bottle in kitchen, H woke up startled as always on the floor in living room. He got up and came to bed. Proceeded to flip/flop, toss/turn/sigh the rest of the night. I slept on and off but his restlessness was contagious. At 9:00 my mom called to say S6's cheek rash had spread to both cheeks, he looked awful.
H and I got up, H said he'd go shower and get S. I said I'd go get D (both at my mom and dad's) and take her shopping with me. I could sense H just lingering on the stairs to the basement, even though I couldn't see him from the bathroom where I was getting ready. I laughed, he said, "What?" I said, "I am laughing at you. It is obvious you are just hanging out."
H: Why do you say that?
Me: You want to tell me something, and you DON'T want to tell me something....
H: True..
Me: You need to say it but are afraid to say it so you are standing there doing nothing
H: Right...
Me: I am not dumb, you know--(laugh)
H: I never said you were.
H goes up stairs into kitchen. I follow. I say, "That IS what last night was about, right? You were going to tell me it was over and you couldn't do it anymore?"
H: Yeah, I WAS....
Me: Then we had a really nice time so you couldn't do it...
H: Yeah
Me: So everytime you decide it is over we wind up having an enjoyable time together and you second-guess? See, I told you I am not dumb, I can tell these things...
H: (crying) I know....
It was 30 minutes of talking. But the bottom line, he is so unhappy. He actually admitted this:
"I can't buy anything to make me happy. A new truck, a tractor, cows, a nice job, none of that can make me happy. I have tried."
Me: "Even a new girlfriend didnt make you happy?"
H: (eye roll/shrug) No, that didn't make me happy either. There is nothing I can get to make me happy.
Me: So what does make you happy? Anything?
H: Playing with the kids makes me happy...
So on we went, he said it never gets past this point (talking) b/c he is so afraid of what is out there, on the other side of the decision. I asked if he could picture himself at peace and happy living in that house a couple streets over from here, seeing the kids half the time...He said he honestly didn't know if it would make him happy or not, he just couldn't live this way anymore.
I said, well then there are two options. Neither of us can live like this anymore. So either we work to make it better together or we just work to make it better apart. But I don't see any happiness in having to answer the kids' questions...
H: Me neither, I dread that part so much....it is my head that keeps me here more than my heart, my head sees all of the reasons to stay and all of the reasons it would be terrible to go...
Me: (offended/defensive) Your heart feels nothing for me?
H: NO, that is not what I mean, or I wouldn't have had a nice dinner with you last night. But I hear the songs and see the movies, and I am starting to think why CAN'T we have the fairy tale love?
Me: You mean the fairy tale love you just ridiculed me for two months ago when I told you how I felt about you, the life I wanted to live with you, and you said it was totally unrealistic?
H: Yeah, I guess now I want that for myself, too. I want to feel that way...
Me: The way you used to feel about me?
H: Yeah.........
There is more but it would take hours and I am too tired. I asked him what his next step was, surprise he said he didn't know. Bottom line, he 1)Still loves me but doesn't feel that "fairy tale" love any more and wants it desperately
2)Feels uncomfortable in his own home, he says, and says that I do a lot of little things that irritate him and he can't live the rest of his life feeling irritated (I said good luck on finding someone who will never irritate you)
3)Is terrified to leave, I don't think b/c of me, but b/c he doesn't know what it will be like 'out there'. And he doesn't want to hurt the kids.
I don't know what to do next. I just sort of unplugged myself from his this afternoon, I need to...I need to make myself unavailable to him, I think. He is afraid of what life looks like without me, being a separated/divorced man/dad. But I think he needs to feel it full-on to truly understand what it will be like.
To that end, I told him, if you want to go, then you should go. But know that as much as I love you I cannot fix you, I cannot fix this, and if you leave I will go against my instinct to take care of you and let you fend for yourself. If it means we have to sell the tractor, sell the cows, whatever, then we will. My first thought is to help you save the things you value, but that is not my job anymore. If you want to know what it will really be like, you will experience what it will 'really be like'.
H called me later to tell me S has fifth disease, but is cleared to go back to school. He texted me twice while I was shopping with D but I left my phone in the car so I didn't find the messages until 2 hours later.
I am just so pissed to think I promised this man my life and he promised me his to spend together and he is bailing out for reasons he doesn't even understand. He admits he is 'broken' to an extent, says he is unhappy and knows of nothing that will make him happy, says he is afraid to leave but afraid to stay...grrrr
And it was one year ago this week I found out for sure about his affair...ruined the holidays last year and now he is ruining them again this year. I would imagine we will be separated before christmas at this rate and what a happy surprise gift for the kids...........
Why the HELL did he come back in July? Just to screw us over again???
And I am about 90% certain that if he does allow himself time and space to process this, rather than hooking up with some skank, he will realize that he is a total dumbass for giving up a wife who loves him so and the family life so many people wish they had...dumbass
I am sorry Bbj. What was obvious to you and all of us seems it has become obvious to him. He wants excitement and cant get it anywhere. You cant help him. You are right. I am afraid what Woog has been telling you all along is the only way. He needs to see someone that can professionaly guide him out of this. He has a broken "navigator", he is lost.
My H told me the same thing today when I asked if he knows why he left originally. He said he wasnt happy and he couldnt be happy with us. It took him 8 months (he says) to figure out that happy included me and the kids and he was looking for it at the wrong places. If you love him, you need to let him do it alone, "let him go" and be patient. xxx K
