Well the L told me to try to settle with H so he came tonight and we had an opportunity to talk I told him what I wanted at first he got upset..but I have learned over these past 21 months how to talk and listen to him It was nice to watch H calm down during our talk he has alot of problems with my brother who works with him My H can not find a real soultion to that problem and it really affects him I suggested we could wait on D till H clears his mind and problem with my Brother then H asked again what I wanted so im not sure if he will go thriugh with D and how easy or hard the negotiations will be I have to be careful b/c H and I connect emotionally after we talk and I get hooked back into thinking "we have possibilities" because we flow well but the truth is H is done..He likes our friendship I dont ,mind being his friend if I can handle it and accept nothing else that is the hard part When we connect, I feel very close to him he shared some deep stuff with me then I forget I have to stay detached he usually distances anyway after we connect I still love him I have to let him go and focus on me peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
Peace, I'm sorry you are going through this. It felt to me like a different planet. Everything was so strange. I didn't know what to expect.
Here is what I see from what you write: I see you fighting him over the divorce. He is not certain of what he wants, but the harder you push back, the more he is convinced that you are a controlling wench and he wants no part of you. when you don't resist, he does not feel threatened. He opens up to you. Can you get to a point where you can retain your feeling that you hate this divorce, but yet accept that it may happen anyway? Fighting him is not working. Freaking out about the divorce is also not working.
Nothing is over until you decide it is. You have this idea that the divorce itself is final, a final stage. It can be. Or not. It's up to you. You can DB through a divorce. FIGHTING HIM in a divorce will make that extremely difficult. If you have an acrimonious divorce, it is extremely difficult to DB afterwards. Your heart and head is just not in it any longer.
If on the other hand you look at the divorce just like a separation: regrettable, but not permanent, then you can db through it. Until you decide not to.
You wrote "He is done" and he is, clearly. But... for how long? he is dealing with 10,000 things right now. And the divorce may actually clear a bunch of things from his head. And open him up. And maybe afterwards...?
If he is hellbent on the divorce, you cannot stop it. and you will hurt yourself if you try to step in front of that train. Delaying to the extent you can, is one thing, but delaying to the point where you are obviously antagonizing him is counter productive.
You can decide how to view a divorce. You can decide whether it would be the end of the road or just another turning point. Either way is fine. But the point is, it is up to you.
Peace, this is so hard, isnt it? Try if you can to just be still. Trying to stop the divorce at this point will be fruitless, I think. Your h is spinning and confused. Let him see that you are at peace with the decision.
H over last night we got into another fight about money and settlement I cant blame him I guess he wants to take care of himself semms like we as the wives who raised the kids and gave up careers for the cause seem to lose out some I feel he is selfish andf in the end everyone really loses financially H looks a mess and he is having a herder time controlling his frustrations I think the L will have to help with the settlement I feel H is somewhat irrational My friend says H getting D say the same things as directed by their L through it all, I dont see how the was can really win their self esteem is shot they walk in constant guilt they dont care who they hurt whoever is in the way they are irrational and confused My H looked like he was foaming at the mouth like anyone who gets in his way will be deleted he is not a real and whole person just a lost soul Im glad to get out mabe he will find his way later after this is over peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
My heart is aching for you. I could have wrote everything you have this time last year. Don't fight the divorce. Take care of yourself emotionally and financially and let it be. I can tell you that once the divorce happens, it is not over.
It still continues in every way. They are still lost souls trying to find their way and they still want you in their lives even though they say they don't.
After the divorce, is when all their work begins. Of course they don't know this. They think that paradise is around the corner when they get rid of you. What a lesson they learn.
Now is the point you have to decide what you want. Do you want to move on or keep standing?
Love, Trusting
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Sorry to hear that interactions with H are not so good lately. But it seems that these fights and H's anger are, unfortunately, all part of the process.
It doesn't surprise me at all that your H is being directed by his L. We know that our H's certainly aren't doing any thinking on the matter on their own. And the L's are being paid to be on their side, so naturally the L will justify how H is feeling. Finally, your H has someone on his side (even if he's being paid).
I know it's difficult, but try to rise above all of this while still protecting yourself. Be as businesslike about this as you can. No emotions. Find your compassion for H, but make sure you get all that you are entitled to. That's my advice... (You may have to remind me of my own words when my time comes!)
Just curious - how is your H's R with your kids? Has his guilt affected his interactions with them? I think my H's guilt has made him an even worse father. I've been considering telling him to not let his guilt and shame prevent him from being the person he's capable of being, but I don't think the time is right yet.
Sorry to get off the subject. Stay strong and keep us updated.
I left a VM this am for him just kind of to clear the air for my part in our argument last night..I mentioned on VM how I can understand where he is coming from and that we will find an agreement that we are both happy with and that we can only talk D on phone when kids are out of house
then H came tonight seemed very depressed-- lost he mentioned that I know we cant talk about it but our settlements are not too far apart then I switched subject he talked about his work issues and his new health issues I felt so bad for him..he just has no clue that HE is the problem ANYWAY--HE IS SOMETIMES draining to listen to as he looks so very depressed..he reeks of it..
Thnak you trusting..I often read your threads and I know you understand SH so nice for you to stop by hope you are well and yes I believe my H depression and lack of control are affecting his ability to be there for kids
Well I am ok..glad H and I are friends again and now Im off dancing... peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
