Land of confusion

[redhottie]

It has been so long since I have posted that I decided I would start a new thread. I really don't know where I stand these days. H went on a trip out of the country a few weeks ago. He e-mailed several times while he was gone. He brought a box of chocolates for the Ds and myself. He also brought us each a pair of matching earrings. I guess he thinks of me the same as the Ds.

I'm guessing something is up with the OW and their R has changed in some way. H has been calling more and more over the past few weeks. He often calls for no reason other than to talk. I find myself less and less interested though. (His pattern over our R is that he eventually gets tired of the OW and ends the R. H then comes back to me with no admission of any wrong doing.)

H came back from his trip sick and has been putting on weight. He is off of all meds and I don't think he is seeing his T anymore. I thought very little of his T, but he clearly needs help.

I had given myself a timeline of January. At that point I was going to file if H had not. I found myself waviering from that timeline, but somedays I want it all to be over. The more I examine our R, the more fault I find with it. Woog mentioned (in different wording) that he never really gave his W a reason to want out. I can't say I never gave H a reason. I admit that I started pushing him away when I thought I might be losing him for medical reasons. We never took care of our M and I devoted myself to being a mom and not a wife.

Over the course of our R, H has had 4 OW that I know of. Of course he claims them all as friendships. Two of them he was emotionally involved with on a very deep level and he put them before me. H claims that he has never had a PA. His unwillingness to admit to his deep feelings for his OW make the PA thing hard to believe.

I don't know at this point if H is going to try to come back through the door. I also don't know if he tries if the door will be locked or open a crack. I used to think that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and that was God's plan for me. Now I don't know if that is the plan or if that is what I want. I find myself wanted to get out there and look for someone else. I however still choose to honor my vows even if H doesn't.

I know this is a lot of rambling, but it is a lot of me thinking outloud.