For the Guy with Kids and a WW Neunzehn(19)

[whatdidido]

I keep finding myself to B more. No flirting, just talking about our days and whatnot. Not that I'm moving away from the wife. It's just really hard to explain. Like I'm in the position of control with both. Nothing romantic with either of them.

I warned you about this. If you didn't spend time with B, and show B love (you are showing her love with the things you are doing for her), this wouldn't be happening. You are choosing this. I chose the OM in the same way. Yes, you are separated, and she is with OM....but if you are fighting for your marriage, being with B is NOT HELPING YOU. DOn't fool yourself into thinking you got it all under control. You don't. REmember my song....it's a slow fade.....Reread it. If I bought you Fireproof tickets, would you go? You know I would...and I'd send them to you.

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

[Sugar and Spice]

Listen to WDID on this one H4H, you are playing with fire on this one. You and B are doing a slow dance, but each time you do and act of service for her or share things with her, you are drawing closer. Thats the insidious part of an A...it just happens, remember? The closeness and intimacy, the "friendship" is dangerous ground for you right now.

I understand completely, but I think that if you continue with B, its going to bite you in the A$$. JMO...

[hopeful4her]

Don't need the tickets, beej. I'll get to see it one of these days coming up.

Spent some good time with my girls on Saturday. Saw the Chihuahua Movie. It was a cute movie and turned out to be a love story.

While I was getting ready to go, Amanda called me that they were on their way to go buy the cornmeal and that they'll call me when they are on their way back. She says that they might meet me at the theater to be dropped off. I can hear the wife in the background saying how she hates the bank that I wrote her the check from. They gave her a hard time and all this id and then you have to go to a big dispenser to get your money. We are laughing back and forth with Amanda in between, relaying our comments to each other.

An hour later, the wife calls me that she is already 15 minutes from home and warns me to stay away from a particular intersection on the hwy because something happened and it's backed up like crazy. She says that she will feed the girls before I pick them up at the apartment and I say ok. Then she asks if I still have the butter shortening in the pantry. I find it and let her know that we do. She asks me if I could bring it and I say ok. Then she asks me if I have any foil and she starts to laugh. I tell her that I do and she tells me that she is trying to keep from going to the store.

We both know she can't trust herself to only buy the two things she needs. I ask her what kind of tamales she is going to make after all and she says chicken is all she has. I ask her what kind of roast she usually uses and she tells me. I tell her that I'll go buy one before I show up and that I'll call her from the store once I get there.

At the store, I pick out the roast and get some candy for the movie. I call the wife and ask her if she needs anything else. She thinks for a bit and ask if I can get her a loaf of bread and she'll pay me back.

Right.

I get the bread and ask her again. She says something else that I can't remember and ask if thats all.

"Oh! Can you get me pack of cigarettes? I'll pay you back."

So I end up getting her that stuff and some foil and a pack of some new tortillas that I had told her about. I also pick up a couple bars of her favorite candy bar. I call her and let her know that I'm on my way and to have the girls ready to go because we are running late. She says ok and that they are already eating. I go take her the stuff and the girls and I rush out to the movies.

After the show, we show up and the wife is not really in the same mood. She has already started cooking and Juli is wanting to help her. I don't know what it was but it was not the same. I tell Miguel if he is getting ready and he says he will and if I can give his friend a ride home. I agree and go to sit at the bar to wait and talk and watch the wife and Juli. She is looking at me very confused and she asks where Miguel is going. This started a discussion. Miguel forgot to tell his mom that he wanted to go to my parents house to spend the night. I get on his case about letting us know things. I tell her that I thought he had told her. She said no, but that is fine. He walks off feeling bad and the wife makes a comment to me,
"I'll always be second in his life." I start to tell her that that isn't true and so on and so forth. She is upset. I sit for a minute and talk about a couple things. She tells Miguel that she'll go pick him up when my parents want her to, but tomorrow(today), she might go to the flea market. "Gonna get out of here." I ask which one she might go to, and she isn't sure. One of them.

After a bit, with us alone I ask,
"Do you want some fajita's?" thinking that I might go cook some on the pit. She thinks for a second and says "No. That's ok."

Shot down because she is upset. I take the friend home and get Miguel to my folks and have a couple beers with my dad.

Today, I got invited to a barbeque for a friends son. Stayed there for a few hours, but first I did some cleaning around the house. On the way home from the barbeque, I call the apartment and Amanda answers. I ask her to ask her mom if its ok to come pick up. Amanda says that she is cooking and I tell her to ask her mom. She does and I hear the wife in the background asking if I want to come eat with them. I say ok and that I'll be there shortly. I get there and Juli is so excited to see me. I pick her up and she is just hugging me so tight. I say hello to Amanda and to Miguel and walk over to the bar and the wife is in the kitchen cooking. We say hello and talk a little. I ask if she got to the flea market and she tells me no, very dejectedly. The girls were bums and didn't want to go anywhere, so they didn't.

But her and Juli look great with straightened hair. I play with Juli some more and the wife starts to serve. The wife asks Amanda if they should use paper plates or dishes. Amanda says paper plates, but the wife says, "Ehhh. I have to wash dishes anyway" and takes out the plates.

I help clear the table and ask her where she wants us. She says we can watch a movie, and Miguel wants to watch the Kung Fu Panda movie they rented the other day. The wife and I are the only ones that haven't seen it. The kids have. The wife tells Miguel that she has it in her car and to go get it.

She rented three movies the other day. I know they were on her living room table the other day. Two of the movies are still in the apartment, but not the Panda movie. It is in her car for some reason.

I'm helping take plates to the living room and she tells me that she started to watch the movie the other day, but fell asleep and that she must not have liked the beginning. We all sit down and we are kind of sitting next to each other. I ask her if she wants something to drink and she says she'll take some tea. I grab some for both of us. We all eat and then she warmed up some of her tamales for us. She is also baking a cake for some reason. I think that the girls just wanted to make one. She tells me that she has two packs of tamales for me in the fridge. She is freezing the rest. While we finish watching the movie, Juli falls asleep. The wife suggests that they just spend the night. I get Juli to her bed and we give our goodnights.

I then ask the wife about Thanksgiving. She says, "Well, you told your parents the we are having it at the house, so I guess we'll have it at the house."
"What do you mean?"
"Your sister told me you told your parents that."
"I told them that we MIGHT have it at the house at your suggestion. What do you WANT to do?"
"We can have it there. Thats fine."
"No, if you want to have separate, then just tell me."
"Its fine. Just tell me what you want me to cook."

Damn. I could swear it was her idea. Now she makes it sound like I'm forcing it on her. Just like her.

I start my goodbyes and Amanda comes out. She sits on the sofa and says, "I wish I could go home."
The wife and I say, "You can go if you want."
"Do you want to go with your dad?" the wife asks.
"Yes."

I tell her to get her things. The wife starts to get her a coat, but Amanda only wants a hoodie. The wife shows me several coats and sweaters that she got. "She just doesn't want to wear them because I got them at the Goodwill."
"You got all those?" I ask.
"Yup."

Saying her goodbye to Amanda, she tells her to pray that she passes her test. She has a test tomorrow for work. Her six month test. If she fails it, she has no job. Amanda asks about the test and we both explain it. I poke the wifes arm with my elbow and tell her that she'll do fine. We say our goodbyes again and we leave.

On the way home, I let Amanda know that I gave two of the puppies away yesterday morning. She asks about them and I tell her to who. Then she gets really upset that she didn't get to tell them goodbye and starts crying. I tell her I'm sorry, but I had to do it. She pretty much cried all the way home. At the house, she goes out to the puppies and stays with them a bit. She comes inside and I give her a big hug and remind her that they are better off.

After getting her to bed, I call the wife to let her know what happened. She's sad for Amanda. We start to talk and Amanda comes out of her room asking for some paper for tomorrow. I tell her I'll get her some in the morning and to get back to bed. I tell her to tell her mom goodnight and they stay on the phone for a while. Amanda brings me the phone and the wife and I talk for a bit more. Now she is upset. Not mad, just upset because Amanda is so upset. I ask her if she is working extra hours this week and she says that no, she didn't sign up for it this week. She'll be home regular time. She tells me goodnight and I tell her not to worry about her test, but good luck anway. She thanks me and tells me goodnight again and I tell her the same.

I can't quite get a bead on her, yet. Not sure what she is thinking. I for SURE have no idea what is up with OM. Don' know if they are on or off. I assume it is still on. So far, everytime that I thought it might be off, it was still on so I'll keep thinking that it is.

I'm at the point of, do I really care? I keep thinking to myself, "Can she really give me what it is that I want and deserve?" Everyday that passes, I keep thinking no. Tonight, I just watched her while she sat watching the movie. She seems so different. She even looks different. I don't believe she has made any REAL steps towards me.

I just don't know. I think the good Lord has been preparing me for something much better. I think I do deserve better.

[Sugar and Spice]

I just don't know. I think the good Lord has been preparing me for something much better. I think I do deserve better.

You don't ever have to question whether or not you deserve better, of course you do. But maybe God's just not done with her yet. Maybe it meant for you two to be "better" together. Maybe not, but you have to fight until you are ready to quit and only you will know when that time is. I can't help but think that the more contact you have with B and the pull of that "ready" relationship weakens your resolve to fight for your M. I'm not judging you by any means, I'm just telling you what I see as an outsider looking in.

If you are ready to move on and there is no "B" to move to then thats one thing, but if you are thinking about quitting because "B" is waiting and willing then thats wholy another.

You deserve the best my friend, as do all the wonderful people here on these boards. No one should have to suffer the pain and betrayal that comes with this chit, but here we are and we have to try and make it through. Sorry I'm kind of rambling...today is just not a good day for me. So with that in mind...take it with a grain of salt (or the whole damn shaker if you please.)

(((Hugs)))

[whatdidido]

Sugar took the words right out of my mouth. In fact, probably said it much better than I would have today...kind of an "off" day for me.

[hopeful4her]

Guys, we all deserve to have an off day.

The emotional ups and downs are tiring. Beej, I know you get frustrated. I get frustrated too. I hate living this life that has been dealt to me. I really enjoy who I've become, but just hate the other crap.

I get scared guys. Very scared. Its not B. Its me. I've wanted my wife back so much and have worked so hard for so long....

but then I think....why?

Am I in the fight just for the fight? Like I'm trying to hold on to a ghost. Maybe she is right. Maybe we are better off as friends. I don't want to be the guy whose wife dumps him, can never get past it and lives like a widower. Never getting over his "deceased" wife.

Confusion prevails in my life, especially right now. I'm still trying, but each day gets harder to keep it going. And with the holidays coming....

Hoo boy! Gonna be tough. I want to have a New Years party at my house. Invite everyone, just like the old days. Family, friends



This morning, the wife called and spoke to Amanda while I was taking a shower. When I came out, Amanda told me she called and that Juli wanted to talk to me, so call her. I called and Juli answered and we talked for about 5 minutes. Sounds like she is going to have a good day. In a real good mood.

Today, I went grocery shopping during my lunch. I'll make another stop after work, to get the "cold" stuff. I'm going to email the wife and let her know some of the stuff I got. I'll let her know that I'll make a daycare payment for her this week and ask if she wants me to get something for dinner.

Or maybe I should just tell her that I'll get something for dinner?

[lost_in_space]

H4H

Bud, I feel myself getting to the same point where I see you at. Wanting to do the right thing with a darn good dose of "WTF am I trying to do this for?". Is that close?

Listen to others - and listen to yourself. Dig deep. Giving up is the easy way out - but at some point it may BE the only thing left to do. Only you know that my friend.

I understand the attraction of "B". Remember in Oct when I mentioned "S" wanted to go for coffee and I was all alone (W took k's to her folks for the weekend)? Never did get together for coffee (nor anything else! ) but "S" is texting me a fair bit. I know more of her sitch and at times think we are both travelling the same path. We can relate to each other and yes it feels good - so I can relate to your struggle. I try to bring myself back to being grounded and keep "S" at a distance. I have not got to the point where I am done fighting - and I realized that this trip. So "S" will stay at a distance.

A lot of rambling to say only you know what is RIGHT for Roger. We can tell you what we see based on what you tell us, but only you know. IMO

Be strong.

[marriedCrazy]

H4H, I think that we all are feeling the same thing. When the W is around, you'd never know that we've had M problems. We're just friendly like we've known each other all of our lives. After hearing from her sister that my W has no guilt about it and she thinks that what she's doing is the right thing for her. She has no concern about what the kids are going to feel.

So I feel like the fight is a fight that I'm fighting alone and quietly. That my W somehow is liberated by the fact that I have a separate life from her. My W is not normal; so I don't know if she responds to my DB changes like a "normal" spouse. IOW, because of my W's "other man attention" seeking of the last three years; I think there's no amount of DB'ing that may bring her back. Even when things were good between us, she still sought out the attention of other men.

So I wonder what am I fighting for other than for me? So that's my answer, I'm fighting for me. Maybe the W and I are better off without each other. I know emotionally and financially, I am better off without her. She hasn't changed anything in the way she operates, financially she still can't pay her bills. She's fighting to keep her cell phone on and she has barely been through one billing cycle.

I guess in all my rambling, I'm trying to say that you are not alone in your struggle. We struggle with you and you're feelings are normal.

patience....patience...NO Expectations.

[Sugar and Spice]

but then I think....why?
Am I in the fight just for the fight? Like I'm trying to hold on to a ghost.
Confusion prevails in my life, especially right now. I'm still trying, but each day gets harder to keep it going. And with the holidays coming....

(((H4H))) this is something I could write on any given day. I too am at the point right now, especially today where I think to myself..."What the hell are YOU THINKING?" WHY would I want this man back?

We are all in the same boat and no matter what, you have to do whatever is right FOR YOU. Only YOU know when its time to call it. Just don't let the draw of B and what she has readily avaliable cloud your judgement.

(((((HUGS)))))

[hopeful4her]

mC, we are kind of the same. We get along so well, but then theres the 800 pound gorilla sitting there. She truly believes that we are not married anymore. But....

I can sense her guilt. It really messes with her.

I too think that I may be better off without her.

Suga, not clouded. Any decision I make will be clear headed. Even if I decide to completely drop her, I know that someday, it will happen. She'll want me back. Could be years.

I sent her an email, but what a dork. I forgot she was taking a test today, probably at another location,

"Just wanted to let you know that I'm going to stop by the grocery store for a few things after work. I already got the "non-refridgerated" stuff, now just need the cold stuff.

I already got the stuff for stuffing, gravy, potato's, canned cranberries(both kinds), and green bean casserole. I'll get the turkey after work.

And I'll stop by the daycare after and give them a check.

If you want, I can pick something up for dinner from the store and we can eat at the apartment. A rotisserie chicken or some fajitas.

Just let me know. Hope your day is great."

Then right after, I sent,

"I'm so dumb. As soon as I hit send, I remembered you were probably taking your test.

I'll assume you passed with a 100, because you won't get this until tomorrow.

Or now, this morning.

Okay, maybe not a 100, but still a pretty darn good score, because I know you. You did very well on it. "

So then, I sent a text,

"Just sent u n email. Forgot ur taking a test. Congrats on passing. I need to go to heb after work & stop by daycare & give a check. Want to have dinner tonite?"

If I hear from her, fine. If not, I'll pick up my girls and make dinner at home where we belong anyway. She'll be home by the time I get there, too.