Mandy, I think that it's something you should consider. As long as your son is prepared to go along with it, and that your XH is fully aware of any boundaries you deem necessary, then I say go for it. Burying the hatchet will be good for you. Just so he knows that it doesn't mean he gets away with not paying what's owed you, etc. and he can't take advantage of you, AND there is no 'friendship' with the OW wife. Perhaps, this will allow contact with him, rather than with her.
But, I think you know all this already, 'eh!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
BeingMe, I thank you,it seems like you are the only one that can help me, I dont know what came over me, I guess deep down I still do care about the old ex and I can see that he is getting further and further into it with her, not only that but hearing her past records I fear for him and I honestly feel sorry for him, I dont want him thinking he can never contact me because of what he has done, maybe he wont do that until its over with her, but I am at a time in my life where as the father of my child and as a man I adored for all those years I could be his friend if he wanted, I think I will wait a while longer though, the feeling as subdued today, I had been painting yesterday it must of been the fumes, thanks for your replies BeingMe it is nice to have at least one reply
Hi, Mandy, I don't really have the right background to match your sitch (I have no kids, my H is still living at home, etc.), but for what it's worth, if you are feeling that way, I think you might do a tiny "testing of the waters" to see how he is inclined to treat you these days. I wouldn't stick my neck out TOO far, but you can at least check to see how hot or cold he's running toward you now. If he's nasty, well, there's your answer, and you can go dark again. If not...you have other options. I don't think it will hurt anything as long as you aren't unpleasant to him. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do!
Peace and blessings, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Hey Mandy, It has been a long time since I posted to you.
I personally feel that the only way to become friends after such an ordeal like MLC is via an olive branch......BUT........there are conditions on your part.
Absolutely no expectations.
He doesn't sound like he is in a good place, and I am sure he regrets the bad choices he has made.
But my biggest concern is that he will take you for a ride and play on your sympathies.
Also, your Son is a huge concern. He is healing and to have your EX re-enter the picture again at this time may not be the best thing until you are certain he is being sincere.
Mandy, perhaps you can contact him and just let him know you were thinking about him and wanted to see how he was doing. But do this without telling your Son anything at this point.
They all come crashing down eventually, but not many of them have anyone left to help them to pick up the pieces of their lives once they wake up.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Mandy,I am going to be the dissenting opinion in this situation. I definately say NO to the Olive Branch, and I say it for these reasons: 1. He is the one who made and put himself into this mess, let him dig his way out. 2. It was his choice to abandon his son, if he wants a relationship with him, he needs to be the one to build it back, not you. 3. I feel these 2 will use any act of kindness by your part to thier advantage. Mandy, I have a feeling about a couple of things, first, the communication by the current W to you is manipulation. I think she is doing that to look for weakness to get something they want. In saying that, I think you should be very carefull about what you say to them, you are kidding yourself if you think the XH doesn't know about this! Second, I think you still have strong feelings for this man and would have him back. This last statement is just a hunch, but if I am right, that is all the more reason to not put the olive branch out, emotion clouds judgement. If he wants to rebuild his relationship with his son, he needs to be a man, step forward and do it. Gave you a lot to think about!
Mandy, At some point in time, the olive branch would be a nice gesture. I think I'd wait until just about Christmas and offer the olive branch to him by inviting him over to visit w/his son.
I know you kind of feel sorry for the man and what he's gotten himself into, but you can't help him. Sit back, wait patiently and the answers will come as to when you should offer up an olive branch. I do not feel that right now is the time to do so. It will appear to him as if you are trying to rescue him and/or gloat about his situation. (We know you aren't trying to do that, but you don't know what he's thinking.)
Please think about giving it a bit more time before you shake the olive branch. Okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I thank you all very much and I take your replies to heart and hear them all, my decision is that 1 yes I do still care for this man, 2 no I couldnt see me taking him back in the near future, and 3 I will wait to offer the olive branch, I am sure in my head and in my heart something is not right over there but as you all point out and I am aware of there is something going on that if I was to offer the branch right now he would probably shrug it off anyway, dont know what is going on but I will leave it for now I am sure a little more infestation from her wont hurt him
I think you're doing the right thing, Mandy. Your instincts have not driven you wrong so far. Definitely take your time. As Braveheart says, he got himself into this mess, so he should dig himself out. Your olive branch could be a willingness to be kind (but firm) if he ever contacts you again.
But, of course, as you say ... it could've been the fumes.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
M, I'd suggest looking at it as something that could possibly be good for your son and for that I think it would be a good thing. I would agree, though, that having expectations, esp. as he MARRIED OW, would not be wise.
Invite over seems a little heavy. Why not send a card or a text or something? Then he might feel safe contacting you. Then maybe you can open the door a little wider if things seem to be comfortable.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
