Best friends?

[GFI]

thanks Ali, thanks Kalni...

I am doing my level best to keep forging ahead with "happy plan", observing, listening, validating, showing goodwill and kindness with no thought of om and that developing R - knowing I can do nothing about it - and while I will not facilitate or approve of it, when opportunities to spend time with H I take them - even though that my have the consequence of freeing up my W to spend time in her new R - I know that for me this is the only path to take...

My W may think i have some underlying masterplan - but I do not...

Anyway - i must have something right - this afternoon someone who works for me popped her head around my door after I had helped sort something out for her and said "you know, you're much more approachable these days!" I can't feel the difference, but clearly she has seen something - I said - I always have been - she replied that she thought I was much more scary before! She's only been working for me for about 6 months - i must have come across as a right grizzly bear!!!

I have been thinking about the closed book thing ... i know this rings true - but you see in the lead up to the exposure of my W's A I knew / had a feeling something was afoot - but just could not figure it out...that uncertainty made me doubly closed down - made me doubt myself and always on my guard, trying to always do and say the right thing - not good for someone with my "private" disposition - actually i don't consider myself to be that extreme - perhaps aware of my failings in this regard and so more conscious of them, but as things started slipping away more rapidly i know my reactions became even more entrenched - and the more i clung onto the things i knew were constants - largely work - the further W and i slipped down that slippery slope - i always knew that i am not the greatest at talking about feelings - but the further we grew apart that trait became more and more apparent.

I do wonder sometimes about the earlier part of our R - we spent huge amounts of time apart and we would write to each other regularly - before the internet came about - in those letters I would express feelings - I have always felt more comfortable with the written word in relation to relationships than spoken words - i wonder now if perversely - us coming together into a more permanent R where we were together left her bereft of that contact with my feelings - for certain - i am not as fluent in relationship/love terms talking face to face as when I am writing things down. i recognised this fairly early on post-bomb and tried my best to re-engage in written words - but likely this was interpreted by her as pursuit.

In a sense, right now - i have nothing to lose, not like before when i was afraid of the whole house of cards falling...causing me to shut tighter than a knat's whatsit!

So now I can afford to share more - right now there's nothing at stake - before everything was at stake and that caused me severe panicky feelings. I just need to get into the habit - its not impossible for me - just not second nature - for all the reasons i have given above.

House report - have had a disaster with my bathroom tiling! rather than press on trying to resolve a bad start I took the decision to pull all the tiles i put up off and start again - I figure i have plenty of time!

KBO - GFI

[GFI]

Oh - and while i remember - this is worth recording...

A couple of days ago my W asked me if i would mind buying a load of indian "sweets" - for something she was doing at school - a Divali related activity - i work close-ish to the city's Curry Mile so this was not too difficult to sort out - although in the event took me about 2 hours to sort - arghhh!

And also, i volunteered to return a bike she had borrowed to a friend - knowing how rough she felt with the sickness thing she has had - which i did this morning.

anyhow, as i usually do i sent her a tM this morning to say that H and I had got to school this morning all A-oK and bike was sorted.

Got a TM back at lunch to say thanks for sorting out bike and thanks for the sweets...

Nothing in that really - but it was a thanks - and for me that is huge! Her thanks for those sorts of things have become rarer than hens' teeth over the past 5 years!

And now - focus back on me and my w/e with H - who wants to do something "exciting" this weekend - I sense he's lost his enthusiasm for DIY!!!

KBO - GFI

[GFI]

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=-TLW3EUY9sI

[Kalni]

GFI,
what's your Ws LL? Do you know? If you do (sorry if you mentioned it before, I just started following yoru sitch) maybe you can work with that a litle bit. This came to me with all the acts of service you 've been offering lately.

And yes, we all mature so much through this rollercoaster. It's painful but it is also an eye opener and a great chance to change things that could make our lives so much happier down the road. DAMs are all so ignorant about expressing feelings (unless it's anger or something similar) but come to think of it I never heard of anybody ever getting hurt for expressing his feelings.
xxx
K

[GFI]

Well Kalni - many thanks for the suggestion - actually i don't think it is acts of service - which may well explain the almost complete lack of appreciation shown when i offer them - for her I don't think what she perceives as simple acts of kindness/friendship are particularly important - although as I understand it - that all probably means that they are important to me - cos i sure attach a lot of importance to being appreciated for these things.

My gut feeling is that W's LLs are physical and quality time - which both require a lot of honesty, openness and intimacy to be delivered and appreciated in the right way - they are difficult LLs to service in our current circumstances!

Just had an absolutely fantastic day with H - headed over the Pennines to an indoor bouldering wall and ended up spending around 4 hours there... then to a park for a hockey knock-about and cafe then back home...

He and I have had a ball!

KBO - GFI

[AliSuddenly]

Hey GFI,

Thats great that yu are thinking about the closed book thing.Can you do any 180s to show your W that you are thiking abuot this and addressing it? Not in terms of yuo and her and your feelings, but what about something neutral, something about work, or the house, or your son? Can you open up to her in a way that you wouldnt necessarily before? It does seem to be an issue for her, from what she said to you.

Also, great that there are baby steps! Its prudent to not get excited, but yes, you cant ignore them as positives! I am pleased to hear it.

Shame about the LL's ! Its frustrating isnt it, but I guess your R wont stand a chance until she reaches a point where she can end it with OM. I always think its frustrating that none of these WAS seem to get left themselves by the OP. Why is that!? Perhaps because there seems to be a pattern of "affairing down", maybe they subconciously choose someone who they know wont leave them (like Dawn's H and OneDay and MichelleLTs..they all seem to go for people who werent there 'equal', in maturity or status).

I did that with bathroom tiles too! Do you do the matchstick thing?

Al x

[GFI]

GFI's Bathroom Tiling Tip #1 - make absolutely certain - beyond any doubt (!) that the bath is level! that way the tiles you put up will have a chance of being level too!!!

[AliSuddenly]

Its a schoolboy error

[GFI]

hopefully corrected ! now I've pulled all the tiles off the wall...and resolved to start again - like i said - i've got plenty of time!

KBO - GFI

[GFI]

Nothing much to report - just feeling calmer, more "centred" somehow, less panicky, less out of control - and trying to keep pushing forwards knowing that for all I might wish for in terms of a future R with my W only so much is in my hands - the "me" bit and there's absolutely nothing I can do to influence the bit under her control apart from to create the "conditions" which might make this possible...

KBO - GFI