Back After Seven Yrs

[BeingMe]

I am sorry for what you are going through, but I am going to be harsh here. I think gentle words would be pointless in your sitch because let's face it, you scr*wed up, BIG time.

I guess you had more issues than you realized when you had those affairs with the two women 9 years ago. You did the work, got your wife back, but I think there was more work to be done, 'eh. Because, this time, you should've realized that M has its ups and downs, it goes through periods of less sex, some fighting, etc. Which doesn't mean you rush out to have an A. I think the only reason you are looking back at your W is because your OW didn't work out, and your W is looking good and having fun. Perhaps if you had stuck with your W despite the problems, started treating her more romantically, etc. things might've been different. She chased you to get you back, and you said it was too late, and now I think it's too late for you to get your W back. I could, of course, be wrong.

I am sorry I'm being so harsh. But, I went through a little of this ... chasing my H, and him telling me it was too late. Then I dropped the rope, and he decided he wanted me back. In the end, we came back together, but he didn't have multiple affairs (just the one), and I had none. I can tell you now, I will never chase him again. The humiliation was too much ... when I had done nothing wrong (other than go through a particularly bad period in my life, and H wasn't there for me --- he checked out), and there I was competing with some other woman. I am trying to get into how your wife must be thinking and feeling and I can only do this by identifying with what happened to me.

How to help you .... not sure? I think Phoenix is right, that you should call a coach, and maybe you should also get yourself an IC. You need to find out why you have an affair as soon as things don't go your way or are unpleasant. Why you could not have sat your wife down, and asked for MC, or tried to figure out what's happening. You sure did forget the DBing 'rules'. Maybe she was depressed, or was going through personal issue, but didn't know how to share, but all you were worried about was how much sex you were having. (Okay, okay, I am transferring my earlier M problems onto yours --- sorry.)

Perhaps you need to go through with the D. Give your W some space and time away from this particular period. Then work on yourself and your issues, be her friend, and maybe down the road you can get back together again. You have been very honest here, and I do applaud you for that. BTW, did your W know about the two affairs 9 years ago? Or did you concentrate on hers? Just curious, so you don't have to answer, but it may speak to your true issues if you didn't tell her.

I wish you luck and hope things work out one way or another. This kinda pain really sucks!