The D is dismissed. Now what?

[new_attitude]

(((Upside))) I am so sorry about your dog.

I think sh gave you some great advice. Your h seems to back off a bit after every time you confront him about your r. Maybe you need to find a different way to communicate your needs to him?

Hang in there. Try to stay positive!

[Upside]

na-
How are you doing? I hope things are going well with you and your H. I will check out your thread.

Your h seems to back off a bit after every time you confront him about your r.

I agree that there is some of that going on...but I am not sure if it is always me confronting him first or if it is him backing off first.

My H sent me a text the other night at the time of the team party saying he was meeting with friends. I eventualy texted him back saying "I thought you were coming over?" He replied saying he was tied up. After the team party, we talked (I initiated the contact) and I very nicely told him that I would have appreciated it if he had called me before the party started and then we could have discussed options of doing something later in the week. He said he agreed. I thought I handled it well because I am trying to open up communication with my H.

During our conversation, my H asked if I wanted to do something the next night. I told him I was going to dinner with my S and father. My H said he might come by or as he said "crash our party". My H never showed which I was fine with but I called him on the way home since since he needed to get his payroll for the next day. He didn't answer. He calls me at 6:30 this morning and says he is coming over to my house. He apparently was out partying last night...said he wasn't sure what time he got in and that he has a bit of a hangover today...grrr!

I need to try something different because what I've been doing may be working but only at a snail's pace. I know my H is extremely busy and getting busier in the next few months and that I have to be patient...but then I think that my H and I have been consistantly going to MC for 7 months and I right now I am not feeling like we are making progress. As my H was leaving this morning, I asked him if we could make a goal to try to communicate in some way everyday. He implied he would have a difficult time with being obligated to do that but he couldn't really think about it because he is a little brain dead from drinking last night....double GRRRR!!! I dropped it and we agreed we would go to see a movie together tonight but now I am wondering if anything is ever really going to change. I wonder why he can't take his walls down a little and give a little more.

I suppose I am not nearly as patient and understanding as many on this board. I really have been trying and I am okay when there is positive movement even if is excruiatingly slow. My H appears to have stalled in this process at the moment...maybe it is my partially my fault...I don't know. And it frustrates me to think of all of the time and money I am spending on C when my H isn't really working on things the way he should. And to top it off, my kids told me the other night that I should move on. They said I am too good for my H (their step-father) and that I deserve better.

[glamgirl]

Well Upside we all deserve better. I have learned to try to bring things up with h when it's a good time. I simply say h I have something to discuss is this a good time. He will usually say yes or how about tomorrow. Maybe you could try that approach.

I don't know who would be able to discuss anything with a hangover.

He is not ready to communicate with you daily. This just started happening for my h within the last few months.

I think that your h will continue to open up, but girl sorry this takes way more time.

Do you want your h or start over with another?

[SirPrizeMe]

communicating when him every day seems like a normal thing that normal married people should find easy to do. But you are not in that place yet!

[Upside]

glam and sir-

Thank you for your thoughts. While I understand what you are saying, I don't know if I agree that my H isn't in that place yet. He has initated seeing me or talking to me everyday since I asked him if we could make daily communication a goal. It may be too soon to tell but he could be trying to make the effort even though he could not verbally commit. I'm trying to have no expectations.

My H and I went to the movies together on Friday, he stopped by for a bit on Sunday (although he said he was feeling ill AGAIN), he met me and my D for dinner on Tuesday and he will be going to my S's game today. After the movie on Friday, we did have a bit of an R talk. I asked him if our situation was reversed (I was the WAS), would he be as patient as I have been. He said he didn't think he would. I said to him "Then you would understand if I decided to move on?" He said he would understand but it wouldn't make him happy. Not sure what that means for us especially since my H will now be in 3 back-to-back trials for the next couple of months...and when my H goes into "trial mode", he totally absorbs himself in his case. But to my H's credit, even with his busy work schedule, he still plans on continuing MC.

I understand that my H's work schedule will take priority for the next several months. And I know I can choose to accept things the way they are or not. This is hard because my H and I have made progress but now things will probably be at a temporary standstill. This is why I was thinking it would help "us" make it through this if we could try to have daily communication. Maybe that was too much to ask for (or maybe not), BUT it didn't hurt to ask.

It is so strange because my H tells me how he is giving his partner marital advice and how he needs to try to work things out with his W but he just isn't ready to make that final leap with me.

Here I am in a holding pattern again...and just in time for the holidays!

[craig54]

Upside,

I have never posted to your situation before, but after reading , there are alot of similarities with mine. I have not been at this for as long as you have, but my wife like your husband cannot seem to finish the divorce, it will be a year in January. I am glad to see your husband to at least start to come around.My wife has shown no change as far as how she feels about me. But the fact that she cannot seem to finish the divorce speaks to her confusion and indecision.I just continue to pray to the Lord for patience, guidance and strength.I will pray for you, and your patience.I can sense how frustrated you are. just keep doing what you are doing.baby steps.

[peacetoday]

U
Hi..I think you are doing a great job..
glad to hear your H would nbot be happy if you moved on..
I know it is hard because the crises is so hard to understand..
no sane person would be doing what our H have done
you have alot on your side and I always think of the fact that your H parents got back together(or 2 M)
Holidays are hard..you cab do it and I like the way your H tries to like connect more after you suggest it
he is trying..the crises holds him back
peace

[glamgirl]

Upside he is making that final leep with you. You just need to look at your sitch differently. He is committed to mc, you go out on dates, he talks maybe not as frequent as you would like, but he does talk.

The more he enjoys the conovos the more he will want to talk with you. Keep that in mind. I would forget the R talk for now. He is making good progress actually.

Look at your sitch as dating your h for now. You know once you are dating the possibility of moving in with each other becomes a reality. See the possibilities now Upside?

I am hoping with my sitch it is that easy. Keep hanging in there. You are doing good!

[Upside]

Hi Craig-
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I am sorry that you are in this situation too...it is frustrating to say the least. I wish I had some advice for your situation but I am having difficulty figuring out what I should do. At the moment, I'm having trouble convincing myself I am doing the right thing in my sitch.

Hey peace-
The crisis is sooooo hard to understand. I try and try to understand it and I think I get it but after I spend time with my H and everything seems so normal, I sometimes lose my understand and compassion for what he is going through.

Hello glam-
I do try to think of my H and I in a dating relationship and sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn't. Dating just isn't like this. When you are dating, both of you are putting your best self out there and you care what the other person thinks and feels. Our H's don't think about our feelings. They are so absorbed in the own minutia that they can't seem to use their head space to consider our feelings. Now that being said, I think it is abundantly clear that our H's are feeling more "safe" with us and don't want to lose the relationship. I am just afraid that my H is too comfortable with the way things are. He seems to know he should make the M work. He seems to know the M isn't the real problem. He seems to know that he doesn't want to lose me. But he appears to have no motivation to really change anything. Maybe I am making things too easy for him???

Today is 21 months since my H dropped the bomb and left. I was hearing from him daily for the last week or so but I haven't heard from my H since Thursday night when he told me he would call me tomorrow. I really have an issue when someone doesn't follow through with what they say they are going to do...grrr! He was supposably going out of town again for work this weekend and for some reason he usually doesn't seem think to about contacting when he does. I just have difficulty understanding why. Sometimes my mind wanders to all kinds of different conclusions. I try not to go there.

We have MC tomorrow night so there will be lots to discuss again...if he shows. My H said he was going to spend Thanksgiving with me...but he was somewhat non-committal (no surprise there!).

My D and I were talking last night about my H. I told her my H's comment about how he wouldn't be happy if I moved on. My D said something about him leading me on. When people you love say things like that, it just brings all of your doubts to the surface. Sometimes this really sucks!!!

[Upside]

No word from my H for 3 days now...I hate this! All those old feelings start to come back. I know he is busy in his own little world and I know this isn't about me...BUT why does it feel like it is all about me when he does this?

peace-thanks for the pep talk today. I know what I need to be happy on my own and I truly am sometimes. I just need to be able to tune him out like he does me...why can't I? Is there a way to make this not hurt?