My Crazy mess, these are the days of my life!

[Very Scared 54]

((Christa))

That does it!! .... I am sending my crystal ball back to Spinster's .....It must be defected. It gave the wrong information this time. I just put knew batteries in it just two days ago, so I know that is not the problem. I know ...... It is your crazy H!!!!

I am not trying to make fun of this set-back. I understand why you are piss-off and hurt. I know how you feel. It like someone putting a stake through your heart. YOU CAN NOT GIVE UP. You need to go to the C today anyway. You need that time with the C to let him/her help work this thing out in your mind.

Hey I am sorry that H back out today. I do not what to say. You are playing the course just right. It truly looked like that H was going to show and then have a few beers with tonight. I am really, really sorry.

OK! Now it is time to quit feeling sorry for yourself, get up off the ground and start walking again. You have more character the he does, you are stronger than he is, and you have your pride.

No one can read his mind. No one but H knows what is going on with him. You and I speculating on what he is thinking is only a guess. And most of our guesses will be 2 a.m. thoughts.

Cool down, relax, take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Lets re-group and see what comes next. Go to C today. Use this time to vent and get some feed back. After that go get a beer. Do not have too many beers. Come home and get some sleep if you can. And get up tomorrow morning it start over.

I am here if you need to vent.

Hang in there!!

(((((((Christa))))))
(Many hugs)

VS

[christarn]

so he just text msgd. me and said he would cont. C if i signed the paperwork...i said ok.

i talked to my atty. she will be drawing it up

i text him back after i talked to my atty. and said, this is serious to me, not a joke, it's not so you don't have to pay me money, or get out of any obligations...there is no price that can be put on our M...

then i msgd him, what are you going to do when C reccommends us dating, talking more and no OW, to which he responded I don't know....

i then msgd him and said, MC is about doing work, working towards our M....i can't do it alone

to which he responded "k"

so at least i am seeing some glimmer of hope after this mornings conversation

still a little flustered...but have regained my composure and sense of hope!

(((VS))) for listening and caring!

[Very Scared 54]

let me know how it goes. Good Luck!!
VS

[christarn]

VS,

I went to C without H. It went ok. We had a lengthy discussion regarding ways to move our R in a positive direction. I said I would like more communication and to start spending time together. She said we needed to set boundaries. She also recommended our first few times together be in short bursts...such as grabbing a couple of beers after work, that way, when we finish one, if things are going good and communication is good, we can have another...and so forth...if not...we can call it good. She also recommended fixing dinner together, this requires team work. To see how do working on a project together. Simple ideas, but it is a start.

I talked to her in depth about the phone call, and she asked me, how many ways does he have to tell you no before you would realize it was over. I said, he has yet to tell me it's over, so I am not going to believe it's over until I sign on the dotted line. I didn't really care for that comment. I asked her if she had ever heard of Michelle or any of her stuff ie. solution based therapy...she said no...GREAT (note sarcasm)! Hopefully she will read up, but it's highly doubtful. She seems to think H is not really into all of this and he has tried, and that should be good enough for me...I was like...uh..don't think so! He called me today and text me saying he was going to put forth an effort...and that is good enough for me, to put forth an effort and work on this. I believe in vows, I believe in love, and I believe in the sanctity of M...what part of that don't you get....I didn't say that to her...but wow did I want to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She said H dances around questions, dances around whether he is dedicated to this for the "right" reasons, and she is not convinced. Here is my analysis: he is showing up, he is angry, this takes time....he needs time, time to relieve the anxiety and pain which he feels, and time to vent his frustrations...it's been 2 frekn years...can we have more than 2 sessions to decide if he is in this or not??? sorry venting just a little!!!!!!!!!!

So here is my plan: give H the weekend off...it's been a stressful week. call him on sunday, make a plan for the week, to include, one night which we will call and talk, and one night which we will see each other...either dinner or beers after work. Either is fine by me.

I called him after the C session to advise him of everything that was said, and to make sure he was onboard and to set up some type of boundaries. He is onboard. So far we have decided to talk on the phone a couple times per week, and during that time we will set up times to see each other. He was ok with all of that.

I asked the C about how to handle OW...her response..."again, how many ways does he have to show you 'no'" I said, again, how are we going to handle the OW, because no is not an option. If H didn't like this particular C...she would be "fired" (so picture donald trump saying...your fired) she said for now just ignore the OW, after a few sessions, and a few times of he and I spending time together we will re-visit the issue. Time will tell. I have to work on making her look like dog crap!!! Which I will!!!

so that's pretty much the nitty gritty!

I hate to rag on the C, she does well keep he and I focused and not being partial to either of us. I just wish she were more solution based. Not so, whatever you want to call her methods. She said if H were not so wishy-washy, she could come up with a better plan. Which I understand. This, I believe will come in time.

How are things in your world. I love the fact your W called you...holla!! you are swinging under par there buddy!!! maybe a birdie!!!??!!

Take care,
(((VS)))
Christa

[Very Scared 54]

Christa

First, I am glade you kept your appointment with the C. If I understand correctly H did not show for this one. You did talk to him today and he said he was on board. OK! Now your plan is sound and will work if he is really on board.

Your conversation with C, sound very similar to a couple of talks I had with my C. My C told me in her 30 years of experience when a W walks away form a marriage of our length (33 yrs) usually will not come back. She (C) gave a 10% chance to turn this around. I figured 10 % is better than none. So I started working on my own. That is when I came here. I read DB/DR and Men or from Mars and Woman are from Venus. I read books on setting boundaries, and lesson to Dr. Pills book Relationship Rescue. I read everything I could find on the Internet that would help me figure out what and how to make corrections. Then about a month ago my C, my family, and friends all told me that it was over and I should give up and move on and start another life. This was the lowest point for me. I almost gave into everyone's opinion. Then I woke up one morning and decide WTF am I doing. I love my W and I am not ready to give up. I decided that I was going to do it on my own no mater what everyone around me was saying. None of these people have as much invested into my R/M as I do. They are not going to loose what I am going to loose.

I told C and my family. OK I do not care what you think or say. I am going to save my M/R. I stand alone on this matter. I used my knowledge of my W and our M and my gut feelings to start working on a plan. And you know what I have made more progress in the last 3 weeks than I have in 5 months. I will admit I use the C to fix my problems. She (C) helped me get to this point of feeling good about myself. Which helped me with my plan of action.

After these last two weekends everyone is totally surprised what progress W and I have made. C is now helping figure out what the W is doing and possibly the next move I should make. But I the long run it was me that the deference in how W is reacting to my and is having second thoughts about what she is doing. I am not fooling myself. We are not out of the woods yet, W has agreed to date, and at least consider see her C and maybe MC. We have two great weekends and have plans to spend next weekend and Thanksgiving holidays together. Now that is progress.

I spent this time telling you this because for me it worked. I used my gut feelings and my personal knowledge of my wife to set the pass. You can do the same thing. You may feel that you are standing alone. If you do so be it. Only a person that is dedicated to an idea or a cause will be successful. Everyone will give up because they do not believe in what they are doing. YOU DO. You are the only one in our sitch including H. You will make it happen. You are the only one that can. After 2 years you would think it would be easer, but it is not going to be.

The first step will be to develop a friendship with H. Then move to a friendlier, than light dating and then heavy dating, romantic affair and finally R/M this will take time. It can be expedited in some places, because H buttons. You are looking for the right buttons.

For the OW, I have read that it may be a good I idea to just ignore her. Take her out of the equation. You know H better than she does. You know what he likes etc. Forget about her right now. Besides H is the one that has to forget OW and give her up for you. You are a much better catch than she will ever be.

Yes I have par a few holes, but a few hole do not make a good game. But my score is getting better each time. Yours will too.
Hang in there. KEEP SWING. You are standing alone. I am here. Together we will take first place in our respect games.

HUGs to you

VS

[christarn]

Thanks VS~

I have read all of the same books! I have a library of R books!! And continue to re-read important passages in all of them. I love it when Dr. Phil says "do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy" i no longer want to be a "right fighter" I want to be happy! That is one big lesson I have learned from all of this.

My big thing is learning to just "talk" talking to him like a friend. that is really hard for me. H is kind of quiet, so getting him to open up is kind of hard, and i on the other hand...well if you can't already tell, I am a motor mouth!!! LOL! He usually just sits and listens and does one or two word answers. Getting him to truly open up is one of the most difficult tasks ever. It's catching him in the right mood...and only the Lord knows when that moment in time will be!!! And knowing he probably doesn't exactly want to be with me right at first(hopefully knowing his buttons this will change), he is bound to be more quiet. That is why i thought of the idea of getting a beer or two...I thought it might relax us both a little. I am trying to remember after two years things I did to make him happy, and things I can do to show him he can trust me. any suggestions?

If I told that C once, I told her a hundred times....it ain't over til it's over. He text me and said he was willing to try...and that was good enough for me to put my heart and soul into this. I have to believe in God, and his direction now, she simply said ok! I told her because of my faith, my vows and my love for my H, i would not give up that easily. Even if the signs all looked like he wasn't interested. I don't care how big of a whack job she thinks i am!!! LOL!!!!

thanks for the words of encouragement!!! They are sooooooo appreciated!!!

((((VS)))))
christa

[Very Scared 54]

Christa

I know what you mean about being happy. It has not been that long ago when I was asking people "How do you know if your happy, what does it feel like? " Well, I have found my answer. The last two weekends have given me the answer. I have found that doing things that make W happy gives me all kinds of joy. It reminded me what happiness feels like and it is truly a great feeling. I do not want to loose this feeling. Watching W smile and her eye light up make feel like all of the 4th of July fireworks are going off in my head. I get the greatest warm feeling in my heart. It feels soooooooo good. I really hope you can achieve that same feeling very soon. I know you can. You are my inspiration and I want to return the support.

It is you that gave the guts to stand-alone and move forward. You help me get by the depression that no one supports what I am doing. You encouraged me; it is NO SMALL PART you have played in my improving sitch I will not leave your side.

Follow your gut and do what it takes. You have the right stuff!!!!!!

By the way I cannot make any comments regarding about being a motor mouth .......You have read many of my wordy posts. My C keeps telling me that she is waiting for me to write a book about my sitch. I keep telling her I have to wait for an ending before I will sit down and start writing. .

I am going to my boy hood home with my S tomorrow and work on my parent 2 HD and take them out for a ride.

You have a good weekend. Keep your head on straight. You are not standing Alone.

I will be check in time to time on you this weekend.

(((((((((((((Christa)))))))))))
VS

[christarn]

Thanks VS

you rock

christa

enjoy the time with your folks!