I had an affair 5 years ago, the actual physical part of the affair lasted about 6 mos. I moved out, moved back in and then I continued to talk to the man in emails and on the phone. I then made my husband move out. He moved back in 6 mos later and here we are, no sex life, not really much of a relationship at all except for money and the kids. He won't touch me, he tells me I have done nothing to make things better, he wants to talk about it and at this point he doesn't even believe the things I tell him because I think he's stewed about it for so long he has his mind made up of how things went and he's convinced himself that the entire span of our marriage was fake. I don't really think posting on here will help much. He told me he hated me tonight, I think he really means it. My affair was for selfish reasons, it had nothing to do with sex, it was how nice the guy was to me and how glad he always was to see me, all my husband seems to think it was was sex, regardless of what I tell him. I'm just rambling - whoever reads this, if anyone could possibly give me an idea of what my husband is needing from me, any ideas at all, please let me know. Oh -- and I haven't spoken a word to the other man for two years now. I never want to speak to him again, I feel like he helped me ruin my life, that's all he is to me.
What I needed from my husband following his A was lots of love and reassurance. I needed him to be very level about things and to be able to take my ups and downs. I needed him to answer my questions openly and honestly. I needed him to help me understand WHY he had felt the need to go outside the M, so that I could work out whether or not it would happen again.
He needed me to understand why it had happened and for us both to own our own share of the M breakdown that led to him having the A. I did.
My H managed to get me to understand fairly early on that the A had been a disaster.....a measure of his desperation really.
Can you give us some more details? Like how long you have been M'd in total? How old your children are? It helps put things in perspective.
There are other people on here who are struggling with a similar sitch to you. Try finding them and posting to them so you can support one another and bounce ideas off one another. I am not sure but I think Mof3 might fit that bill.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
CU, you're new here. I don't know if you have looked, but there are a bunch of books that help married people heal after an affair.
I used to like the one called "After the Affair" I think maybe by Hartley?
My belief is that affairs are selfish, but they DO happen for a reason, typically because the person is not getting what he or she needs at home. Not an excuse, just an explanation. That kind of understanding leads to the realization that both partners need to change and grow in order to recover from an affair and insure against future problems.
When he tells you he hates you, he means it, yes. It hurts to be betrayed. He hates the feeling, and he believes you GAVE HIM that feeling.
But feelings change. It's hard to hear, I'm sure, but it is not forever. Guaranteed. he was not at his best when he said it, I'll wager.
he tells me I have done nothing to make things better, Hmmmm..... this seems like an invitation to me. Surely you are hurt, and maybe you reacted defensively when he said this. "Not true!" maybe you protested. But what if you said... quietly.... "I hear you, you think I haven't made things better. do you have some ideas on what you would like me to do, starting now, to make things better?"
He may be flooded, in which case his answer will be "it's too damn late for that now!" But if he is not flooded, it may be an opening for you.
Take your time. Read about the trials other people have gone through. Get some books.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
I first want to say I am sorry you have found yourself here, but welcome to Divorcebusting.com. I hope you find the encouragement and support you will need to survive through your marital issues. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing you can do. Then focus on your marriage.
The people on these boards are the most amazing resources you could ever find. They will offer advice, listen, and lift you up when you are down. I know to most around here, they consider each other "family".
Again, I am sorry you have found yourself in this situation, but kudos to you for wanting to change, and work on your R/M. It takes courage and strength from within to make a lacking M turn around for the better. Know everyone here will support you in any way possible, including myself. One of the first things I recommend is for you to go buy and read Divorcebusting or Divorce Remedy. Make them your go to!! Then re-read them!! They are excellent resources and referred to a lot around here!
Please feel free to contact me if there is anything I can do...just hit the notify button...it will send me a notice you need me
PLEASE, take care of yourself!
((((Comingundone)))) <-----virtual hug 2 you!!!
cdbmod
"When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion"
"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing to do. But to hold it together when everyone would understand if you fell apart,that's true strength"
Yes we have similar sitch. My shortened version of events 8 month A I lied for next few years about it. H moved in and out for next few years. I came clean with him april 08 H moved back home H moved out aug 08 H started dating 2 weeks back BUT not with me
I am in the hurt and sad stage of the seperation. I thought I only had to tell the truth. i desperately want my M back.
I spent the last three years being sorry, a doormat, available and doing everything i could ( except tell the truth ) to prove my love. none of it worked.
After telling the truth I really became needy and that was the worse thing to do. I wailed and scremed etc I love you blah blah blah.
It did not work. For 2 weeks since news of dinner date with another W , I have not spoken to h ( except once ). I have done a complete 180 to past behaviour. At this stage no response.
After reading your sitch , all I can really offer to you is to not get needy and do the following.
1. Answer any questions , no matter what. 2. Validate his feelings. 3. Understand he does not trust you at all. 4. Be open about everything. Leave phone about, emails open, say hey I am just popping to shops, let him know where you are at all times. This is not forever. 5. He knows you are sorry and that you love him. Show him without being different from who you are and who he loved.
I will keep with you and see how things are going.
Ok first things first, right now this minute, forgive yourself if you haven't done so already. Now just because your H may not forgive you does not mean you don't deserve it. You can't effectively move forward if you hold this against yourself. So you made a mistake, who hasn't, your human and so is your H and I am sure he hasn't been perfect his whole life.
Now as far as I can hear there must have been a dynamic in the marriage that caused you to go outside the marriage. I am in no way condoning the A as there are always other ways to deal with things.
For now disregard the comments of hate your H has. He says he may hate you but that could be just pain talking or testosterone. He may feel like a failure as a man and has self hatred coming out toward you, make sense. Either way, let it roll off. Be as caring as you can but don't let it hurt you if you can. And for someone to hates you so bad it's funny that he moved back in don't you think?
I am glad you are posting here that means you want to give this marriage another shot. I think you can still fix this.
You say you want to know what to do and what your H needs. Can you go get the book Surviving An Affair by Willard Harley. This book is entirely devoted to affair recovery. I am using it now and am blown away at the progress. This book is going to show you exactly what you H needs. It explains the 10 emotional needs of humans and will have you find out your spouses top 5 and that's where your going to begin. If your serious go get the book NOW! Don't wait for more damage to be done. Got as fast as you can. your going to know exactly what to do.
Find me on my thread if you need anything else, I don't usually go outside of it very often, my thread is Trying2Live-New Post #5.
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
It is hard to forgive yourself in these circumstances T2L as you are being bombarded with consequences and fallout of A
BUT more importantly I Mof3 feel that if I forgive myself then I am doing H another serious injustice. Dont ask me why - Guilt. not respecting his right to be so pissed at me.
I made the choice and yes we are all humans but there cannot be to many more bad choices that are as devastating to a soul than an A.
I think for me forgiveness is all part of letting go. To me it will be an indication that i am nearly there. Yes it will be healthy and the right thing to do, but I feel it is one of the last things I have to do.
I understand and hear what your saying, but guilt leaves you in a "past" mode. You have got to get to a future and forward view mode if that makes sense.
No one can walk forward looking back. Guilt is not productive. Remorse or repentance is yes. I am assuming you have apologized to your spouse as well correct.
I don't believe that forgiveness makes you let go. In fact it will give you ability to move forward to try to recover the marriage with more freedom. Guilt paralyzes you and that's not forward momentum. You sounded like to me you wanted and had the desire to move forward with your spouse and that you wanted the marriage. Do you still want the marriage?
Yes Infidelity is damaging to the soul. But ya know what I have found that most people are forgiving in nature and no one is perfect. We make bad decisions all day long, but only choose to punish ourselves over certain ones, why?
I can make a bad decision to over eat, but not twice, or a bad decision with a friendship or something I say but I don't condemn myself over it. This is really no different. Truly, forgive yourself so you can get to work, if you so choose you still want the marriage.
Get the book I recommended if it's still in your heart to reconcile the marriage.
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
We've been married 21 years next month. We have four children, the youngest is 16. I tried to have some kind of physical contact with him tonight and it has ended in a big fight. He now tells me he doesn't want me anymore sexually because I had sex with another man without a condom and that thought makes him sick. It didn't make him sick the two years after the affair, just within the past year or so he's decided this is sick. I can't be married like this, and I, at this point, can't see things working out, now I don't know if I can get over his rejection of me. We get along for the most part but there isnt' a marriage here. Thanks all of you for your advice, I'll keep reading. :-)
Exactly the same with me. Married 23 year , 3 kids, youngest 16. you sitch is exactly like mine.
H fine up until recently. We even had sex with him initiating it 4 weeks ago. Now there is possibility of OW. I am in lots of pain. I to think it is the rejection. Lonliness.
I put up with exactly the same marriage as you are in now and it got me no where. I was in hindsight an available, doormat for cruel comments etc. The cruel comments is the hurt. You must validate them and I think say little.
He knows you are sorry, he knows if you could turn back time .....but we cant.
I dont know the answer for you. I just wished I had given up on m before the OW . Less painful and then I would of been in a better position to rekindle the marriage.
As each day goes by in mine , there is more and more ( often self inflicted) damage being done.
I write carefully as I really don't know you or your H or personality. I will follow you and see what other advice you get. No doubt I will also learn.
