Best friends?

[GFI]

thanks Ali, thanks Kalni...

I am doing my level best to keep forging ahead with "happy plan", observing, listening, validating, showing goodwill and kindness with no thought of om and that developing R - knowing I can do nothing about it - and while I will not facilitate or approve of it, when opportunities to spend time with H I take them - even though that my have the consequence of freeing up my W to spend time in her new R - I know that for me this is the only path to take...

My W may think i have some underlying masterplan - but I do not...

Anyway - i must have something right - this afternoon someone who works for me popped her head around my door after I had helped sort something out for her and said "you know, you're much more approachable these days!" I can't feel the difference, but clearly she has seen something - I said - I always have been - she replied that she thought I was much more scary before! She's only been working for me for about 6 months - i must have come across as a right grizzly bear!!!

I have been thinking about the closed book thing ... i know this rings true - but you see in the lead up to the exposure of my W's A I knew / had a feeling something was afoot - but just could not figure it out...that uncertainty made me doubly closed down - made me doubt myself and always on my guard, trying to always do and say the right thing - not good for someone with my "private" disposition - actually i don't consider myself to be that extreme - perhaps aware of my failings in this regard and so more conscious of them, but as things started slipping away more rapidly i know my reactions became even more entrenched - and the more i clung onto the things i knew were constants - largely work - the further W and i slipped down that slippery slope - i always knew that i am not the greatest at talking about feelings - but the further we grew apart that trait became more and more apparent.

I do wonder sometimes about the earlier part of our R - we spent huge amounts of time apart and we would write to each other regularly - before the internet came about - in those letters I would express feelings - I have always felt more comfortable with the written word in relation to relationships than spoken words - i wonder now if perversely - us coming together into a more permanent R where we were together left her bereft of that contact with my feelings - for certain - i am not as fluent in relationship/love terms talking face to face as when I am writing things down. i recognised this fairly early on post-bomb and tried my best to re-engage in written words - but likely this was interpreted by her as pursuit.

In a sense, right now - i have nothing to lose, not like before when i was afraid of the whole house of cards falling...causing me to shut tighter than a knat's whatsit!

So now I can afford to share more - right now there's nothing at stake - before everything was at stake and that caused me severe panicky feelings. I just need to get into the habit - its not impossible for me - just not second nature - for all the reasons i have given above.

House report - have had a disaster with my bathroom tiling! rather than press on trying to resolve a bad start I took the decision to pull all the tiles i put up off and start again - I figure i have plenty of time!

KBO - GFI