Worse before Better?

[Sophie]

Here is something I am being urged to offer to H since he asked if there was a prayer for mediation.

The only way he will be freed of financial troubles is if we live seperately under one roof. It's a tough one, but it was suggested because of the financial facts and that we are amicable.

So, if there is an OW...that wouldn't work.

If this is because H wants money for himself, financial agreements could be mediated if we lived seperate in this house. Consolidate households. If seperate households are a must for him, then we're at a stalemate because there is NO MORE MONEY.

I can't wait to have an intelligent conversation with a lawyer...unlike the conversations with H....he usually just sits there and says 'i don't know' 'i don't know'.....

[Andabelle]

At whose urging?

[Sophie]

Andabelle...I was sort of expectinga 2x4!!

Two male friends that know the situation and the fact that a D is not going to solve H's financial problem. They know that H spends a lot of time here, we all get along, we go out to dinner as a family, etc, etc.....

They both said, that H should 'man up', be a father,and make an intelligent choice. It would be a compromise on H and my part.

Which is what I was trying to 'mediate' or suggest the night I told H I didn't have any more money to contribute. Then remember, H got mad and filed the next day.

Now that H has had me served those ugly papers, there'd have to be a huge 180 in my H for me to suggest that.

Although...I too, am very concerned about the lack of finances and I know that the finances are very comfortable for this household. I don't want to lose my stability and house by being obstinant.

No matter what, I'm not going to suggest it without provocation....I would have thought that if H was honest with his lawyer, the lawyer would have said, 'Mr H...you can't afford a D.'

[Andabelle]

Wow. Whether or not that would work depends on what you can live with. Some people can stand to be in the same house while their H/W carries on an A, others can't. Plenty of examples of both sorts on these boards.

What do you think?

I doubt inconvenient reality will make much of an impact on your H right now. He's in a fog, and unlikely to see reason.

[Sophie]

I have no evidence of an OW.

I have been through that with him 4 years ago....I do not see any of those signs now.

But...that doesn't mean my intuition is complete under this kind of stress.

I understand two reasons for suddenly filing.

1) an OW wants him and he wants the freedom to pursue that.

2) H wants money to continue his carefree single life as a buddy-dad.

I wouldn't even consider any form of mediation if there is an OW.

There definately isn't any OW that H has fallen in love with.

I wouldn't be able to live with any man ever again if there was an OW!!!!!

EVER...EVER....EVER!!!

If he is even dating, he can be charged with adultry... he spends so much time over here.

It has also been suggested that I hire a PI if I start to get definate signs of an OW.

You know....I WAS trying to mediate with him Sunday night...H rejected everything I could come up with as well as anything he came up with.

You're right...NO Reasoning ability right now.

You know...H acts like a wild animal in a trap....and they chew their own limbs off to 'get away'...

[Andabelle]

Maybe you should get a PI just to be sure, although lots of people here insist snooping hurts any chance you might have of DBing successfully (plus just upsets you more if you do discover an A). I'd say not to if he hadn't already served you. I think you should just do whatever your lawyer advises.

[Sophie]

I used to be so suspicious and couldn't stand the thought of being cheated on again...as a teacher, I can't stand cheaters any way...

Then, after dropping the rope...GAL and 'as if'/'whatever'...I realize I am better off NOT knowing of any OW because then I can't be accused of acting out, in any way..., because of it.

Not sure if that makes sense.....

I think H wants me to go out in the teaching world and get a job. Which is insulting considering that I teach all day long online at home and make almost as much as I would at a local high school...especially if you consider that if I didn't work at home, we'd have to pay for before and after day care for 3 kids.

I have been a single...full time mom, work a full time job, for a little more than part time pay...I am a full time homemaker and have 1 1/2 acres to keep up. H left everything on my shoulders. I used to ask him to mow, since he bought a ride on mower for his rental...and all I have is a push mower. My yard has hills, his rental yard is flat. I got tired of asking...so I stopped and have been just 'doing it myself'....lately, my neighbor has been teaching S13 how to use the ride on mower and that helps.

I know I'm going on and on...but, I realize typing all this out will help me organize it in my head before I go to the lawyer....heck, I should print this and take it with me, huh?

What does DBing say I should do tomorrow when I have to be around H at a soccer game? My thought is to continue 'as if'....and keep my mouth shut.

[job]

Sophie,
If you see your h, be pleasant and kind, but do not tell him anything that you are doing. Treat him as you would a distant friend and nothing more.

Make a list of questions/concerns so that when you see the lawyer, you make the most of your time w/him/her.

As for the PI, they are quite expensive and right now, you need the money for your family and bills. If your h is involved w/ow, the signs will be there. Mlcers can't keep anything secret for very long and you, knowing your h, will be able to tell in time.

Keep the focus on you and your children.

[Sophie]

Thanks Snodderly....I feel comfortable doing just that...I can be numb without being mean.

I feel good about talking to L first before anything.

I couldn't trust a mediation with D papers on file like that. I think I'dhave to hear, first, the papers were dropped (however that works) before I can talk to him.

I feel good that it is day 5 and I haven't gotten into anything with him. I seriously think he expected me to call screaming and freaking out as I did when he told me he was moving out.

Right away, I knew that God wants me to deal with this. God has a reason for me to deal with this as much in his Glory as possible.

I feel kind of relieved that H has filed is D papers...he can't threaten it now. As long as I stand still, don't engage in anything with H, he has played his last card.

Until now, H knew I wanted him back here. H will eventually see, right?, that he has probably burned that bridge pretty bad.

Now, why again, do they say such shallow things as hoping to be friends? They can't mean that, can they?

[Sophie]

Is it standard for H's lawyer to advise H not to talk to me...about anything other than the kids?

Does anyone think H's lawyer advised him to ask me about mediation if/when I reacted to the papers?

Is there a typical procedure to dropping the papers?

I have so many questions...and I have to wait until Monday to talk the L's legal assistant

I'm beginning my list of questions. Geez....