Another wife hit by the bomb #3

[lovehimso]

Hi Tawnya,

Just catching up with your sitch. Sorry that the anniversary didn't go as well as you would have liked. I understand how hard it is to not get pulled into relationship talk. My H seems to want to spend time with me, and a lot of times initiates R talk, but he is always quick to end it, too. It's hard for me to come up with something else to talk about, though, so when he starts in it is so tempting to go along with it. Our R convos have been somewhat better lately, in that I have learned how to validate more often and not always use what he says as a springboard for MY issues. At least he went with you to the movie, even after you told him what it was about. That's a positive! Even if his reaction wasn't what you were hoping for, sometimes it's a better sign that they actually have A reaction, and not NONE, if you get my drift. Some people, and I don't know if your H is this way, actually get agitated and "lash out" a little when something hits them where it hurts. My H is like that, for sure. When he knows he's wrong, he tries to turn it around.

Anyway, hope you find something fun to do this weekend! I still don't have any plans, except hang out with my two kids. H will probably be around, which makes me happy and anxious all at the same time.

[VeronicaV]

{{{{Tawnya}}}},

I am not a big online hugger (strange because I am a big hugger in RL) but I just cannot help myself with you. You are always so sweet and cheerful with everyone, always wanting to brighten our days. Thank you for that.

I bet you looked great in your new dress, so good for you for doing that for yourself!

I also think it is good that you have folks telling you that your H is thinking. Thinking is good in my book. I do not know what mine is doing, thinking? stuffing his head in the sand? who knows.

Just keep working on you and you will do just fine.

Thanks for all of the support you give me. I really appreciate it and sure needed it today.

Beth

[Tawnya]

{{Beth}} Right back atcha..and THANK YOU..you always make me feel very special with your comments..I appreciate them more than you know

{{Love}} Yeah..I agree I suppose that some reaction is better than none..so I'll take that LOL! Thank you very much for checking in with me and I hope we find something fun to do..with working all weekend, makes it tough..but maybe we will

Tawnya

[Tawnya]

Ok..well another banner day in the house today

Today I worked, got home at around 5:15 and hub was home..I was shocked..I thought, whoa is he home? So I walk in and say "I don't know if you have plans or not, but.." and then I notice he's not in work clothes, so he obviously has plans and then he tells me that he does and I said, "oh, I was just going to say son has been wanting to go eat at this restaurant with you and I thought you could do that if you were home" and he was like "I'll do it with him tomorrow"..ok..I say..and then I get MAD..LOL..just MAD MAD MAD..hub goes "what are you so upset about" and I said "you'd be upset too if your wife was going out on a DATE" and he's like "it's not a date"..and I was like "whatever"..

So anyway, we proceed to get into it..I'm totally in the wrong for sure and I'm well aware that the 2 x 4's should be coming fast and furious..I'm tweaked and I let it show..the bad side of me for sure..the old me has not died yet So he says, "this is what I expect out of you"..I was like "well thanks..glad your expectations are so low", etc..that's basically how it goes..

So..dun dun dun..bomb drop, he says "I'm going to see my lawyer on Monday"..I was like "oh really..just last week when we talked, you hadn't gotten one" and I asked "what did you do, get one on our anniversary last Wed?" and he said "no Friday" and I said that I appreciated at least a day in between (LOL..sarcasm was working there..I know I know)..so I said..ok..well I want you to know that we want to stay in this house if at all possible and he is like well I pay my part of what I owe for child support and that's it.. (when we're divorced, not separated) and I was like "I think you'll be paying a big share if I'm not mistaken because I think they take into account what you make vs what I make vs who has custody and the time they have it *like 75/25 or something" tho I really have no clue and you guys could clue me in on this.

I told hub that I knew of people (from this site) whose spouses had left and they could barely afford to live because of having to swing 2 places to live..and he was like "don't try to trap me" and I said "dude, I'm not trapping you, I'm giving you some reality there"..and he said "well I guess I'll find out on Monday" and I said "I guess so"..

So in between that, he talks about how much he just wants OUT and wants to be f'ing gone, blah blah, all while our 12 yo son is 2 rooms away..I know he's had to have heard something, besides the fact of wondering why dad's been sleeping on the couch downstairs for the past few weeks.

So..son comes out to get dinner, after dad and I are done, and dad is getting ready to leave..I asked him what he heard, and he said "not much, but some"..so..we end up sitting down and I basically told him where his dad was at..nothing about my son or my daughter, that he was unhappy with himself and with me and thinks he wants "out" of being married and may be moving out at some point. My son..God bless him, at first cried, as to be expected, and then got MAD MAD at his dad and was like "How could he do this to us? I always respected him"..I told him he should still respect his dad because his dad was just hurting and going thru something and not really acting like himself..

Then my son got MAD for ME..he said "mom, if he wants to go, let him, you deserve better than that"..that touched my heart..and then he said "you know what, we'll be totally fine" and then my WISE WISE 12 year old son said "maybe it'll be better cause dad has a lot of baggage"..no joke my 12 year old can see that this man has baggage..man they are so wise beyond their years..and then we talked about the fact that is why he needs to, as soon as he can, forgive his dad because I didn't want my son to end up like that..bitter and angry and unforgiving..because my son is not that way by nature, he is more like me..he couldn't believe some of the things his dad had said to me and said he was acting crummy to say them to me..LOL

We decided he would let his dad tell him himself vs me telling him that my son and I had already talked..my son said "I want him to tell me" and I told him to be totally honest with his dad whenever he told him, if he was angry, sad, mad, whatever..to tell him..

For my son to say that I deserved better really hit me and I think somehow helped me detach a bit more from my hub today..I can't explain it, but I think I was so worried about trying to protect the kids from getting hurt that I was still hanging on for that reason..but now..knowing that my son thinks we'll be ok because, in reality, hub was never a super duper hands on dad, a good dad, but not a super/go throw the football/spend tons of time together, dad..so in a way my son will not be as devastated as he could be.

I told my son that I believed things could turn around and that I believed that marriage should be for life and I was believing for the marriage/family to be saved..I do have to say tho that he got me thinking, like I think Amy and Tom talked about a while back, about the unequally yoked thing..

Sigh..it turned out to be a really good convo because my son and I always get along really well and I feel better with the truth being out there. He will come to me and tell me if he's upset or scared or mad..we've always had that kind of relationship...

What a day! LOL..but we ended it well..went to blockbuster to get yet another game..Call of Duty (whatever number we are up to now...) and then went to Starbucks and got a yummy carmel apple cider and some lemon pound cake..I had been really good, but figured what the heck..LOL..son got his favorite chai tea latte and some pound cake..so we had fun and laughed some..so it ended well

Tawnya

[jame38]

T
first of all i wont to say sorry for the bad day to start out with. It is really amazing what our kids see and know when we dont think they have a clue. The last week, there have been alot of changes in my life, one the W, pushing my kids away, 2nd W moving in with OM, So i have made my decision to let her go. It took u all of yall and a good friend to make me understand that i have to look out for me. Honestly since i know now in my heart that it is the right thing to do. My kids are my life, same as urs. Both of my kids told me from the start me and W needed to D. I have hung on to a little piece of string for 9mths, after the holidays it time for me to throw in the towel. My life has changed so much, but i know now it is for the better. So im glad that ur day ended. Good luck and take care.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIcFgl6zf3A

[VeronicaV]

((((Tawnya))))

Glad you day ended on such a sweet note with your son. As for H and his lawyer, divorce does not happen in a day. Actually in NC it takes one full year of separation before one can get a divorce, so you have lots and lots of time b/c your H has not even moved out yet, right?

As for support, I will tell you what the family law attorney I saw told me. In NC the court looks at the income of each spouse and whoever earns more is the "supporting" spouse and the one who earns less is the "dependent" spouse. Apparently, alimony is based on these figures and the cost of the lifestyle the coupke has been living. My attorney advised me NOT to spend any less during the year of separation so that when it comes time to determine how much my lifestyle costs compared to how much I earn vs. what H earns, H ends up having to pay more.

Also, attorney said the more H spends while living apart, the worse for me. If his cost of living is really high, I get less of his money. Also, alimony typically lasts for 1/2 the length of the marriage. My H and I have been married 10 years so I would get 5 years. Cannot help you w/ child support info as we have no kids, so the subject was not discussed.

Obviously, you should talk to an attorney yourself at some point but the one I saw has a very good reputation and I think his info is reliable.

As for the emotional part, I am sorry you are enduring this. I know how badly it hurts.

Your son sounds like a great kid. I am happy you have him.

Hang in there. And thankis for the kind words on my thread.

Beth

[Tawnya]

{{{James}}} thank you for the kind words and for being MR You Tube for me..thanks for holding the umbrella over my head as it rained on me today (like in the video..)..that was very sweet of you to find a song to fit

{{{Beth}}} Thank you...for the hugs and for the good advice..so I would get 10 years since I've been married for 20..yeah my hub says really I have about a year and a few months to figure out if I want to stay in our house, etc, etc..ugh..I guess I need to find a lawyer to talk to..sigh..I just hate hate hate this

Thanks guys for checking in and I hope you both have a great night my dear friends!! I was telling my son what great support I have on here and how thankful I am for it

Tawnya

[Sophie]

Hi Tawnya,

I had this on my thread...but, I wanted to come here to see you...in case you didn't get to back to me...so, this is what I was my reply to you on my thread...

Oh Geez...{{Tawnya}}


Quote:
I drove him...pretty relaxed and relieved that the encounter was OVER.



I meant to say I drove HOME...relaxed and feeling a little more secure in me...that I am the good person.

thanks for checking on me Tawnya...I've been reading your thread and your story is nearly the same as mine....I mean very, very much the same.

I just have a few years on you. So...I can say that the sooner the tug of war with words stops the better for you.

It's something you have to plan and psych yourself up for. After a while...maybe months, you just stop reacting more and more. Truly, it gets to a point that you recognize foolishness and don't buy into anything they say that's negative...because it's so....lame.

You plan some way to divert your reaction to negative things from you H, by planning an 'escape'...I used to just start thinking of how I wanted to rearrange the room, or how I was going to tell my friend about this crazy talk I was listening to. It's like when I was in a boring history class in high school...the negative '[censored] pit' our H's are in gets...BORING...

It's a project to train yourself in.

I probably should also post this on your thread...If I don't hear from you hear...I'll do that.

I'm not a beginner in this MLC/DB/detach/GAL/as if stuff....but, I am a beginner at posting and writing this.

I am a math teacher and not so much a writer of words.

I can work out any math problem for you though

[lovehimso]

Hi Tawnya, just gettin' caught up.

I'm totally in the wrong for sure and I'm well aware that the 2 x 4's should be coming fast and furious..I'm tweaked and I let it show..the bad side of me for sure..the old me has not died yet

No 2 x 4's coming from me. I'll remind you of the advice you gave me: forgive yourself (even if no one else does). You're right, the "old you" has not completely died yet. But she will, and hopefully when she does, your H will wise up and take notice.

Sigh..it turned out to be a really good convo because my son and I always get along really well and I feel better with the truth being out there. He will come to me and tell me if he's upset or scared or mad..we've always had that kind of relationship...

You obviously are doing something right with your son. What a wise soul at only 12 years old. My D12 said some very similar things to me when the s*** hit the fan here. I just felt bad that here's this 12 year old kid having to comfort her mother when her daddy moves out and has a girlfriend.

What a day! LOL..but we ended it well..went to blockbuster to get yet another game..Call of Duty (whatever number we are up to now...) and then went to Starbucks and got a yummy carmel apple cider and some lemon pound cake..I had been really good, but figured what the heck..LOL..son got his favorite chai tea latte and some pound cake..so we had fun and laughed some..so it ended well

You amaze me, Tawnya. You are a pinnacle of strength. If my H told me he had hired a lawyer I don't think I would have been able to go out for coffee that night! I would probably be curled up in a ball on my bed, begging God to make the nightmare end. That you were able to pick yourself up after hearing that and after dealing with your H and then your son, and go do something positive, says a lot about you. You'll make it through this, no matter how it turns out. You inspire me!

Well, I keep saying to myself that I am going to turn off the laptop and absorb myself in some mindless tv show, but somehow I'm not able to keep away from the boards tonight.

If I don't "see" ya tomorrow, hope you have a great Sunday!

[Tawnya]

{{{Sophie}}} Thank you so much for those wise words..I appreciate them so much..for someone who is a "math person"..you certainly have a way with words for me You know, I hadn't thought of that "redirecting my thoughts toward something else" philosophy before..I hope the next time this comes up I don't laugh thinking of what you said..it made me think of the Charlie Brown teacher "wah wah wah wah"..LOL..thank you I hope you are doing well yourself!!

{{{Love}}} Ahh..thank you..I do need to forgive myself..it seems I haven't totally done that yet..as I woke up too early this morning and had this on my mind Annoying, cause I love my sleep I know what you mean about the 12 yo's having to comfort us and you must be doing something right too..and THANK YOU very much for saying I was a pinnacle of strength..I'll hang onto that phrase today for sure..

I think, I dunno..after talking with my son, I just felt more relieved knowing that we would really be okay and, Beth (Bettou) told me some stuff I didn't know about alimony and things like that..so, in all honesty, I think hub is in for a shock when he goes tomorrow..I think he figures once the D would be final, he'd just have to do child support and that's it..but not the case..plus, in my state, we have a year waiting period..so I'm not as freaked out about him consulting a lawyer yet..

Thank you both for your kind words and what a great way to start my day

Tawnya