Please send me good karma!!....I'm gonna need it!

[yellowrose]

SC

Take it one day at a time. That is how I had to do it. I was so nervous around my h when we started to reconnect and he was so nervous around me. It all takes time. I too had to let go of thinking about the ow. My h had to reassure me alot!

My h was with the ow over 2 years and she still pops in my head every once and a while. I guess that is pretty normal. It is a heck of alot less that I wasted my brain cells on her, thank goodness.
Hang in there.

Y

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you so much for your re-assurance, YR. I am soooo scared! And in the MC yesterday, H started out with "those feelings just aren't there anymore and I want a divorce", and he was crying and he really meant it!! And I was expecting the C to discuss some of the symptoms of depression and MLC and caution him to not make such big decisions at this time, or something!! {Like C has talked a LOT about to me during IC}. But C just looked at me and said basically "He sounds like he's pretty clear." I about died!

I have asked C before why he doesn't say the same things he says to me when H and I are in session together, and he says because H is not ready to hear it. But my feeling is "so we just let him walk out the door?" I really question this practice. I know C can't tell us what to do and must "remain neutral" and all that [he says he is there to "mirror" the situation], and H really likes this C, so I know he wouldn't entertain a change in C. This C is VERY good at IC and has helped me a lot, but I just wonder about his methods for MC.

I am really scared! Keeping up the PMA will be a real challenge for me I think........

[yellowrose]

SC

OMG!!!! My h used to tell me the same things. The feelings are there anymore, he wanted a D, I don't love you like that anymore. My C used to tell me that the feelings ARE there but they are just stuffing them so they don't feel the guilt and shame.

Your C might be right about your h not being ready to hear those things. It took my h 18 months before he even went to C because he thought there wasn't anything wrong with him. Then it was a year of him going every week to get to the point where he knew what he needed to do. He then knew it wasn't just me saying he was depressed, his C and co workers were too!

Keep that PMA up. It helps around him and it definately helps you!!!

Y

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you soooooo much, {{{{{{YR}}}}}}!!! I can't tell you how much that means to me! I've been feeling so depressed today, and I keep telling myself that I'm an idiot! He's agreed to spend a significant amount of time together and see what happens! That's a big step for him, I know!

I need to just stop thinking so much and enjoy the time we have together! That is precious!

Thanks, YR!! You're a special lady and your H is a very lucky man to have a woman like you!!
**I think I have to amend my opinion that nothing good ever came out of Texas!

[yellowrose]

SC

Your more than welcome! I just share how my sitch went. That's right, enjoy the time together and keep up the PMA!!!

Now what's that about Texas?????????? lol

Y

[Silent Chrleader]

Well, things were tense at first this weekend. The most awkward moment was Friday night when we went to bed. I went to bed before H in the Master Bdrm, and had decided I would leave when H slept up to him without comment from me whatever he chose. He came into the room and said "We didn't discuss sleeping arrangements". And I said "No we didn't." I then told him it was up to him, but he asked what I wanted, and I turned it back to him and asked what he wanted. Then we sat there for what seemed like an eternity, and he said nothing. So, I finally said "Oh, for Pete's sake, just come to bed." So, he did, but it was tense and we didn't touch at all.

I got up on Saturday feeling depressed, but, then I just reminded myself that who would want to be around a depressed woman who every time he looks at her makes him feel guilty? I know H is sorry for the affair because he has said so point blank. He doesn't think we can build a new R because there is "too much water under the dam" which he has also told me point blank. I honestly don't know if I can ever "get over" the infidelity, but there will certainly never be a chance if I can't at least try to let go of my fears. How can H ever "re-kindle" feelings for woman who's on the verge of tears all the time?! So I pulled out the PMA and put it to work, and it seemed to have a positive effect. I could tell that H sighed a little breath of relief after that, and I felt better too. I still have constant thoughts of the OW, but I just kept pushing them away.

I did take a big risk and told H about my concerns about our C and his methods for MC. I was actually very open with my concerns and reasons for them (i.e. that C tells me things and then doesn't say them in front of H because "he's not ready", which does not seem very effective if H walks out the door in blissful ignorance and never comes back!). I even told H that sometimes I wondered if C just thought H was a "lost cause" who wasn't ever going to be willing to give to a relationship.) We actually had a good talk I think. I told H that I truly understood his need for space right now, and the stuggle he has with fear of returning to the painful past (i.e. our old marriage). I told him I did not want to pressure him at all and that I too sincerely did not want to go back and that I wanted to do what was right, and didn't want to look back and be sorry. That I want to move forward, and that I just want to be the best me and show him what I can really give to a relationship and I would like to see the same from him. I want to see what he wants to be able to give to/get from a relationship and see if our "new selves" could possibly build something good. And if not, then I could truly know that both he and I did our best and we could let go and sincerely wish each other well, and perhaps not have the hard feelings. H said that he thought he could be OK with that. After this talk I told him I felt a little better, and he said he did too. I then asked if I could hold his hand for a minute. This is the first time I touched him since finding out that he slept with OW, so it was a BIG step for me. My skin didn't "crawl" I'm happy to say, so I took it as a positive exercise.

Then on the way home, H turned to me and asked when S17 told C about the affair. I told him that I believed it wasn't too long after H made that drunken confession to S17, so C has known for a long time. Then, H said that might be why C thought H wasn't ready and seemed to have misgivings about H. Then H said "So maybe we shouldn't judge C too harshly." I thought that was an interesting comment. H seems to be sincerely trying to look at things clearly.........I hope.

And, finally, S17 told me tonight that H and he really talked when they were working together this weekend and H apologized several times for his behavior and for hurting S17. And S17 said he told H that he thought I was not looking for so very much from H, but that he felt that H at least owed it to me to "give it a real try" and H replied "Yes, I know." I told S17 he did not have to do that (H and I both have been really trying to keep him out of it), but he said "Well you told me I should be honest with Dad." So, I said "Well, thanks! I appreciate my son stepping up to be my white knight!" and S17 said "Well, I'm not stupid!" That is one thing I am so very grateful for.....my renewed relationship with my son! He's a challenge, as is his sister, but they are the light of my life!

Enough journaling, I'm going to bed......

[job]

S,
Take things day by day and keep your expectations at zero. Your h is beating himself up over the infidelity and he's got a lot of guilt and shame for what he's done to you and your family. I would suggest that the C sessions continue and just allow your h to lead for a bit.

I'm hoping and praying that your h will pull himself together and realize what a lucky man he is to have you in his corner.

[Silent Chrleader]

Thanks, [[[[[[Snodderly]]]]]].

You're a real gem! Yes, we will continue MC. Allowing H to take the lead would not be a problem, except H doesn't do that! Then C looks to me. I wish C would ask H questions to try to draw him out of his shell more, but C is reluctant to do that because his approach is the have the client lead the session. But, after our talk about this over the weekend, perhaps H will take up the reigns. I hope so!

My biggest challenges are fear and lack of patience! Historically, I have beeen a very open person, especially with H, and that is a very hard habit to break!! But I am trying!

[Silent Chrleader]

OK, I have a dilema. I have asked for STD testing from the OW. She has said this is not necessary because she was only with her H for 8 years prior to "one-time" with MY H. But, obviously her credibility is not so great and her H wasn't exactly an upstanding guy either. I have a concern for HPV, because as I understand it, men can't be tested for it, and it can remain "inactive" for a long period of time and then come to light later. OW has been sexually active with multiple partners in the past. I have never been with anyone but H and, so far as I know, H had never been with anyone but me prior to the "one-time". OW now says that she was tested for HPV when she had her pap in July because her Dr asked her if she had any new partners and she said yes, so they ran the STD screen. Well, the "one-time" was on July 21st, so I'm to believe within the week after that she was tested? This doesn't ring true to me. So, I have asked for verification of the date.

I know I am probably going overboard and that I am paranoid, but I DON'T want to live with this question on my mind! Am I being an idiot???

I hate this!! I really do!!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Well, I really blew it. I had yet another meltdown tonight. I thought about it and tried to "take the high road" and tell H to tell OW "never mind" about STD tests. I thought that even if she had something, which seems unlikely, I wouldn't know if I had contracted it until my next testing in 6 months anyway. If I'm honest, my real motivation is largely wanting her to suffer a certain amount of "discomfort" for her actions. But, I don't like to see myself as a vindictive person, so I thought this would be a good time to practice patience and let the STD issue go for now, even though I still don't believe her story that she took the tests "a couple months ago" because why didn't she say that when I first asked for them?

So, I tried to call H before he called OW back but he wasn't answering. I tried him at his desk phone and cell phone several times when I was alone and could talk about this sensitive issue, but no luck. When he called me back, he said he had already talked to OW again and asked her to think about re-doing the tests for my piece of mind. OW said she would "think about it".

Then tonight we had another issue in that S17 was out in our BIG truck with friends (it is against the law for him to drive with kids under 18 until he is 18 himself in this state). I had told him he could use the truck for one small errand, but he was gone all afternoon and when I called his friend step-dad, I was told the boys were all out together (why the step-day allowed that I do not know!). So, I ended up riding the bus home while my S17 was out joyriding and needless to say I was very put out! I came home and took his keys, license and cell phone and grounded him. Then I went into my room and promptly melted down (for the second time today! - the other was over the testing issue with H) I get so very tired of feeling like I am the only person I know that thinks of anybody other than themselves!!

So, I wrote in my journal, and thought about it, and then called and left H a message to call me back, and when he did I found that he is in a bar drinking and smoking a cigar (his favorite pastime nowadays). I told him I just wanted to tell him that OW doesn't have to "re-take" the STD tests. If she took them a couple months ago like she said, why doesn't she just ask her Dr for a copy of the results and provide them? [Don't ask me why I didn't think of that before......] Well, H was annoyed that I didn't leave detailed message for him on voice mail which is "our agreement" so he can decide if it's worth his time to call me back. (Yes, that's sooooo degrading!!). And he was annoyed at the multiple "missed calls" on his phone, which I explained were from earlier in the day, but that doesn't matter to him. So, once again H is thinking "Same old SC! The emotional basket case! Chasing!" and that I'll never change. No wonder he's in the bar!

And the tiny little connection we seemed to have made yesterday during our talk is gone just like that. And I'm so discouraged and angry at myself!! I'm so a lost cause!!