Super close to walking out

[DownNotOut...yet]

Well, I am at your service. BTW, one of the mantras here is don't snoop. I am a reformed snooper. I don't do that anymore. I like to think of myself as a reformed, no longer an idiot husband. My wife says I'm not there yet, but hey, we're still married...

...So anyway, men are, for the most part, incredibly thick, dopey simpletons. I would bet your husband had no clue he was so absent. I suspect he wants to desperately make things right and thinks that what he is doing is the way to fix it. If he was absent, now he smothers. The simple logic of simple creatures. It is possible he will continue down that course until you do walk. I hope it doesn't come to that. It is amazing that you threaten to walk and he still won't give you space. That said, 2 years back, I was doing the same thing.

Sorry, I can't offer more at this moment other than empathy and understanding. Ask some questions and I will try to share some answers.

If you could suggest the book (divorce busting) to him, OR maybe say, "Lets read it together." It might help. It is a lot to ask, I realize, putting the onus on you but I figure since you are here, you might consider it. If you suggest HE reads the book, he might resist (men are so F'ing dumb!) but if you suggest you read it together, he might go for that. He can smother AND work on his marriage at the same time. Kills two birds with one stone ;-) One of the first things the book says is give the spouse space.

Most men, by the time they get to the smothering stage, are willing to do anything to make it better, they just can't figure out what to do. Smothering, to him makes sense, giving you space seems totally counter intuitive in light of being absent in the past. It just doesn't compute in the puny male brain. It might not help too much but it sounds like he is trying.

Oh yeah, if you could get your thoughts together as to what you want from him, in terms that are so specific that they read like a checklist, you might have good luck with that. My wife and I went around and 'round with this until she watched the Keeping Love Alive DVD. She made a list of what would make her happy. Once yours truly knew what to do, he set to work. Men are like that.