I'm sorry that whatever else is going on, you dont feel as though you can post it here, or that only your H can help and your BFF doesnt. Can I ask you.. has your H/is he helpful about it?? Do you think you ought to speak to a C about it, as its clearly deeply personal and he isnt really there for you much is he?
Listening to your convo... your H sounds like my ex, pretty self involved. He left you, broke your heart and ok, you've been DBing so he 'sees' you as doing ok, but he spends alot of the lunch talking about himself.
Also, he reminds me very much of my ex in having bad boundaries with his Mum and being unable to stand up to her, and does stuff with her/for her, eventhough he doesnt enjoy and then perhaps ends up resentful. He's an adult, how do you feel about him saying..
"he has to go shopping with his Mum for Xmas presents this weekend. He wasn't looking forward to it - it's usually a 10 hour marathon and he hates shopping...4 years ago she made him go shopping with her even though he had a temperature of 104 and felt like he was going to die. We talked about that a little and how it was hard to understand why she'd be like that."
...um, so wheres him in all that? Wheres his responsibility to be honest, stand up to her, have a real R with her!? Its not sounding too mature, but then you know that about him. My ex similiarly moaned to me about his Mum going on at him in the summer and I gently suggested that partly it was his responsibility to let her know that he was feeling a bit low and finding it difficult and perhaps she wasnt aware of the effect her behaviour was having? He agreed.
Sounds like you validated and agreed, rather than challenged him in anyway over this. Would you say you had your H on a pedestal? You are good at never critiscising him.
I also think you could be right when you say the aub has stopped him seeing you, but again, he is a man, not a little boy, so he could stand up to her!? Tell her you are a part of his life??
You said "she's put a freeze on him seeing me, which is fine".. is it fine? Are you ok about it? I wouldnt be, if that was the reason. Its a different matter than if HE doesnt want to see you.
It is positive that he emailed early, took you for lunch, hugged you and emailed you in the afternoon. But him saying he was glad you are happier today than the other day, is not great.. how did that make you feel?
He is minimising the issues in your life in sying that, he may as well as patted you on the head, it seems a bit patronising and is more abot HIM? HE is glad you are happier as that makes him feel better. Would you have sent an email like that to a friend, knowing what you do about your life right now, if you had met you for lunch? No, I wouldnt. I'd say, today was a better day, hold on to that next time you feel low, you will have good and bad days until this time in your life has past.. or something more flippin real !
Its a sad state of affairs, all this lack of honesty. I cant stand it anymore, how are you feeling about it?
Wow, there are loads of positives there, which I know may no longer be enough but I think the BIG positive is that after a longish break from each other you are still just as comfortable as you were with each other, to me that is pretty huge. You can build on that.
There are two things here which I think are typically male - the mum thing, I witnessed it with my brother today. Mum's can be a very strong force in a mans life and to be honest I think they just appease for an easy life sometimes (sorry to all the men out there if I am making unfair assumptions). It sounds like your h's mum is quite a force to be reckoned with.
The second thing is that maybe you may not have made it clear about the cinema, did you hint or ask out right??
Lisa, you had a good lunch and he treated you with respect by emailling at an appropriate time to organise it and also following up the lunch with an email showed that he thought about you in the afternoon.
Ali- thanks for taking the time to write such a long post and for thinking about things. To answer your questions,
1. no, I don't want to see a C- it won't help me but thankyou for suggesting it and trying to think of a way to help 2. H having to go shopping with his Mum is just a thing- as Julia says, it's easier to not have to confront her than do anything else. I think H would only confront her if a serious issue came up. If he really wants to deal with it, he will. I'm not his mother and I'm not going to make suggestions/give solutions unless he specifically asks for them. 3. Never criticising H. I don't have him on a pedestal. Clearly the MLC causes issues with H's behaviour, but we all know what they are. I don't need to criticise him for the issues to be plain. 4. Yes, I'm fine with the aubergine trying to stop him from seeing me, because he IS still seeing me and thinking about me so what she's saying isn't having an effect, except in showing her for who she is. 5. I didn't think it was a bad thing for him to say he thought I seemed happier. In Mars/Venus it says that men respond to problems and try to help you with them by minimising them. That's what H is doing, and to be honest it's the best solution for me. If he'd tried to suggest I was feeling up and down (which I don't in general- I'm on an even keel) I'd have thought he'd gone mad!
Julia- I agree that it was nice that we were still comfortable after such a long break, and that H was thoughtful. He knew I'd made the invite, he just didn't accept which is fine as it wasn't an invite for a specific day- it was just saying he could join a group of us if we were going. It was great that he was speaking freely and about himself- he's not a big talker so I'm always happy when he tells me what's going on with him and in his life. I guess we'll see what happens when he gets back (he's up North for the shopping).
Its funny the timing, isnt it? Your interactions seem more positive than mine (but then he is further along with the A) but I thikn both you and I have been out of contact with them for a couple of months and some contact has been creeping back in for me now and certainly seems to for you.
The stuff about his Mum.. I was mindful that he is having a Uranus-Moon transit which should affect or revolutionise his R with his Mum (and the woman in his life). My ex was having a Uranus-IC transit (angle of the mother!) and his R did change with her, she went from practically NC to phoning him once or twice EVERY day! Seems that there hasnt been a change yet though with his R with his Mum, unless him moaning about having to go shopping constitutes at least an awareness at least?
There seems to be a consistency to the contact you have with him, even after the gap, as Julia said. Did yuo walk hands back to the tube like you used to, or not? Did yuo feel he was like he used to be with you, before this past 8 weeks (?) of less/hardly any contact, or did he seem different?
Theres a lot of change coming up, astrologically (uranus goes direct, 27th Nov) but I havent a foggiest what it all means! I wish that none of us were in this painful spot, its too bad isnt it!
Hello My Lady, I am glad you sound strong as usual. I am a bit "speecheless" about your current R with H. Mostly because of the time this has lasted. I dont think I have read of anyone on these boards doing such a great job living their life, DBing, soul searching, leaving the door open and keeping their feelings and expectations under control and being so good at it all. I sure wish and hope you get the result you deserve. xxx K
Hi Lisa Just wanted to say I think of you often and hope that you are having a good day. I've given up trying to understand these stupid situations and have no idea what is the best move to make!
But you continue to be an inspiration to me and I know that really good things are going to come your way soon. So wish that we could have a girls night out together! Lots of Love xx
Esssiiieeeeee!!! I think of you SO OFTEN! How are you? Tell me what's going on in the future. I'm sure you're continuing to be magnificent as usual. (Beth, if you're reading, how are you too?). I wish we could have a big night out together too. It'd be so fun!
Also, Where, BA, Purr, Stellitsa-mou, naej- I hope you guys are OK and doing well.
Ali- ummm, I'd say that mine and H's interactions have been consistently positive since he left and throughout the S- the point at which he's been in the A hasn't affected our interactions. For the comments about his Mum- he's always said those kinds of things. He just doesn't want to rock the boat. His family are pretty bad at disagreeing. We didn't hold hands walking to the tube, but were close. I don't think it means anything- we didn't always hold hands prior to the NC, just sometimes. The interaction was exactly as it was prior to the NC period. I have no idea what it means, and like Essie have given up trying to as it doesn't get me anywhere. Nothing works on him!
Sunshine- thankyou for the lovely compliment. You make me blush It really means a lot to me for you, especially, to say that. You're right that this has gone on for such a long time- I'm somewhat speechless about it myself in not being able to understand what he thinks. I guess the only thing is that he's confused (still), in the tunnel (still), and wants to be friends, but friends who don't tell each other what they're doing in their spare time!
I really appreciate you (and you, Future One) wishing me a good result.
But what is that result? The return of my lovely handsome, clever and conversational H, or being swept into the house of underfloor heating, gas hob and power shower by the ultra-manly, rock-hard abs bearing and intelligent CEO? Decisions, decisions.....
I saw my N7 yesterday, though, and was a bit shocked as she asked me if I knew what s*x was. She's 7!!! We had a little chat about it, and I explained about making babies and it being for people who are married and love each other very much. She then said that I was married and asked whether I'd done it. Talk about hitting me where it hurts. Especially as I saw CEOs pants this week (only because of the way he was sitting on the end of my desk with his jeans gaping a little at the back. Very nice they were too- Armani navy blue trunks with white beading in the waistband. Not that I looked. LOL)
Been decorating today and reading a really interesting book called Reading People about body language.
Wow! Your 7 year old niece asked those questions??? Good grief, talk about mature for her age! Whoa! Glad you were able to have a good conversation with her about it.
Underfloor heating, power shower, Armani underwear........dang girl! You really need to get a move on that! Seriously!!
A book about body language. That could be very interesting. Who is it by?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Ok that does it!!! All that we have heard AND the Armani underwear!!! (I know I am superficial...) Enough... Ask him to marry you and get it over and done with, no "foreplay" necessary , we give in. I am coming over to do the talking for you, good grief!!! for a smart lady you sure are a bit slow with this God sent GIFT you got!!!!
Hard rock abs? There is only one "tiny detail" we need to clear out and I sure hope it is not ...tiny !!! Love S
It really means a lot to me for you, especially, to say that. You're right that this has gone on for such a long time- I'm somewhat speechless about it myself in not being able to understand what he thinks. I guess the only thing is that he's confused (still), in the tunnel (still), and wants to be friends, but friends who don't tell each other what they're doing in their spare time!
!!!